The Hudsucker Proxy Page #3

What are his hopes and dreams?

His desires and aspirations?

Does he think all the time

or a portion of the day?

What's his shoe size?

Where does he sleep?

Does he putjam on his toast or not?

If not, why not? And since when?

Well?

You're useless.

Yes, Idea Man.

Oreator. Innovator.

Oerebrator.

- [Woman] Fake.

- Huh?!

I tell you, the guy's a phony.

- [Ohief] Phony?

- As a $3 bill.

- Says who?

- Amy Archer.

Why is he an idea man?

Because Hudsucker says so?

Why can't anyone interview him?

Five buck says

she mentions her Pulitzer.

Again? You're on.

Take a look at the mug on this guy.

The simian forehead, the idiotic grin.

He has a face only a mother could love.

On pay day. The only story here is

how this guy made a monkey out of you.

Monkey or not, I'm still editor.

What about your FBI piece?

"When Will Hoover Marry?"

I filed it yesterday.

Do a follow-up:

"Hoover:
Orime-buster or Pantywaist?"

The rest of you mugs

get me that Idea Man story.

Hal, he's the bunk.

I'll stake my Pulitzer on it.

[Pings]

Say, where'd you get the new duds?

How'd old Bucketbutt

like his blue letter?

Did he bust a gut? Die?

Hello, Mr Mussburger.

- Lobby. We haven't got all day.

- Right away, sir.

How are you this fine morning, sir?

It's been a pleasure

serving you today, sir.

Pleasure serving you, too... buddy.

Sid, shouldn't we be concerned

with the downward spiral of our stock?

You're the expert, but at Muncie...

Relax. It's only natural,

in a period of transition,

for the timid to run for cover.

You're the expert.

But do you remember the plan I outlined

the day I set fire to your office...

the day I was promoted?

I do remember, and I was impressed,

but that's all forgotten now.

Thank you.

I mention it because it would require

such a small investment.

- Again, you're the expert...

- Damn it, where's my car?

...demographics, baby boom,

burgeoning middle class...

I'd like to bounce the idea

off a few people.

Sure, sure. Whoever you want.

I'd like to hear about it, too.

[Tyres screech]

- I got gas, Benny.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

[Lou] No kiddin', Benny. I got gas.

- [Benny] You get the special?

- [Lou] Far from it.

[Door bell]

[Lou wolf-whistles]

Enter the dame.

[Benny] There's one in every story.

[Lou] Ten bucks says

she's looking for a hand-out.

[Benny] Twenty bucks says not here,

she don't find one.

- [Lou] Looking for her mark.

- [Benny] She finds him.

[Lou] She sits down... and orders...

a light lunch.

- [Benny] How will she pay for lunch?

- [Lou] She looks through her purse.

- [Benny] No money.

- [Lou] The mark notices.

- [Lou] He's not noticing, Benny.

- [Benny] Maybe he's wise.

[Lou] He don't look wise.

[Benny] Plan 2.

Here come the waterworks.

- [Lou] Yellowstone.

- [Benny] Old Faithful.

[Lou] Hello, Niagara.

- [Benny] He notices.

- [Lou] She's distressed.

- [Benny] He's concerned.

- [Lou] She explains her predicament...

[both] Enter the light lunch.

- [Benny] She's got other problems.

- [Lou] There's illness in the family.

- [Benny] Her mother needs an operation.

- [Lou] Urgently.

- [Benny] Adenoids.

- [Lou] No, Benny.

- [Lou] Lumbago.

- [Benny] That gag's got whiskers on it.

- [Lou] Uh-oh. He ain't bitin', Benny.

- [Benny] She's losing him.

- [Lou] Maybe he's wise.

- [Benny] He don't look wise.

- [Lou] How does she pull this out?

- [Benny] He's gettin' away.

- [Lou] She'd better think fast.

- [Benny] She isn't...

[both] She is!

- She's good, Benny.

- She's damn good, Lou.

Oan I get you boys anything else?

Bromo.

Bromo.

[Amy] Sorry about the stairs,

it was that horrible elevator boy.

I so much appreciate

your listening to my story.

I'm so lucky to find someone

with a stout heart and a ready ear.

There I was traveling the country.

Some I met were kind, others cruel.

Traveling by bus, rail, even thumb...

Oouch, please.

Hoarding dollars,

counting nickels, pinching pennies.

It's been a long road

to that coffee-shop.

Not that I'd trade a day,

an hour, a moment of it.

What came over me? The shock

of eating after so long without.

The enzymes kicking in after so long...

- [Norville pants]

- [Inaudible]

But you couldn't possibly know

what it is to be tired and hungry.

- [Wheezes] Hungry, anyway.

- I won't bore you with my story.

I'm jobless, not for want of trying;

friendless, no one to take care of me.

Had you not come along,

at the moment you did...

- [Norville] I...

- I arrived not ten days ago

full of dreams,

anxious to make my way in the world.

A little naive but with determination

and a solid work ethic,

and an indomitable belief in the future,

only to have that optimism

dashed against the modern workplace.

- Such is life. Seek and ye shall find.

- Oigarette?

No. Work and ye shall prosper.

The watchwords of my education.

The ethos of my tender years,

the values instilled in me

while I grew up in a town

you've probably never heard of.

Mind if I join you?

A dusty crossroads of which

you've probably never heard.

[Shrieks]

Excuse me, executive washroom.

- [Norville retches]

- Are you all right?

Is it your lunch?

The chicken la King?

[Norville] Oh, I...

- Is the la King repeating on you?

- [Norville] I'm fine. You were saying?

[Whispers] Er...

Values, watchwords, tender years...

A little town

you've probably never heard of.

Muncie, Indiana.

You're from Muncie?

Why, yes. Do you know it?

[Grunts]

[Grunts, squawks]

# Fight onl Fight onl

# Dear old Munciel

# Fight on, hoist the gold and blue

# You'll be tattered, torn and hurtin'

# Once the Munce is done with you

Go...

...Eagles!

[Both laugh]

A Muncie girl,

what do you know about that?

Tell you what. I'm gonna cancel my

appointments and get you a job here.

- Oh, no, really...

- Don't bother to thank me.

I know where a vacancy

just came up. Mailroom.

- [man] Yeah?

- Afternoon, this is Norville Barnes.

[Man] Barnesl Where the hell you been?

Where's my voucher?

Voucher...

I need that voucher. I told you

a week ago it was important.

- I'm president of the company now.

- I don't care if you're president.

I need the voucher nowl

Why don't you work with me? Are you

familiar with the mimeographic machine?

Of course. I went to the Muncie

Secretarial... Polytechnic.

A Muncie girl. Oan you beat that?

I don't know how to thank you,

Mr Barnes.

Please, Norville.

Go, Eagles!

[Amy] Go, Eagles!

[Smitty laughs]

What's the Munce? Holy Moly!

He's from Ohumpsville.

I pulled the old mother routine.

- Adenoids?

- Lumbago.

- That gag's got whiskers.

- Hudsucker is up to something.

Six-letter word:

Affliction of the hypothalamus.

It's a cinch. Goitre.

This guy isn't in on it.

- She's here.

- When's the late final?

Ohief.

Just the person I want to apologize to.

Seven minutes.

I was all wet about your Idea Man.

Well, thanks for being so generous.

It is human, and you are divine.

No, no. He's no faker.

He's a 100%% %, real McOoy,

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