The Jerk Page #3

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I've got to get away from those cans!.

There's cans in there, too!.

Run!. Run!.

More cans!.

Die, you bastard!.

He doesn't want to put holes in cans.

He wants to put holes in you.

What?

Milk-faced bastard!.

Oh, my God!. I'm endangering your life!.

-Cover me!.

-You're covered.

Suck my toes!.

You stay here!. I'll distract him!.

Shithead!. Come on!.

Come on, boy!. Good boy!.

"Carnival personnel only." Damn!.

Shithead, come on!.

You're not carnival personnel!.

He's not carnival personnel!.

Okay, move it out!.

"So, Mom, when l told Mr. Hartounian

l'd come back, he said:

"'Don't be a putz.

"'See the world. Me you've seen already.'

"l took his advice and got a job with

SJM Fiesta Shows as a weight guesser.

"Frosty, my boss, told me

there's a big future in weight guessing.

"Enclosed is $4.75 for my loving family.

"P.S. Is grandma still farting?"

For $1, l'll guess your weight,

your height or your sex.

The most exciting thing on the midway.

Imagine the thrill of getting

your weight guessed by a professional.

You can blow up your cheeks,

you can stick out your chest...

...but you're not going to fool the guesser!.

How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!.

Honey, let's see how good this guy is.

Now, what do l win?

Anything in this general area right in here.

Anything below the stereo and

on this side of the bicentennial glasses.

Anything between the ashtrays

and the thimble.

Anything in this three inches

right in here, in this area.

That includes the Chiclets,

but not the erasers.

No, sir!. Come on, honey.

He thought he had himself a rube.

Frosty, l'm no good at this.

Come on. You're doing fine.

I've already given away eight pencils,

two hula dolls and an ashtray...

...and l've only taken in $15.

Navin, you have taken in $15...

...and given away 50 cents worth of crap!.

Which gives us a net profit of $14.50.

It's a profit deal.

Takes the pressure off.

Get your weight guessed right here!.

Only a buck!.

Actual weight guessing!. Take a chance,

win some crap. Step right up--

Ladies and gentlemen...

...l draw your attention now

to the left side ofthe midway.

Presenting the amazing Patti Bernstein...

...doing her special ride...

...through the Flaming Wall of Death!

Want to guess my weight, Greenie?

I saw you last night. You were great.

Yeah, right. Turn around.

What?

Turn around.

Go like this.

You're okay.

Give me a bite of that corn dog.

What about germs?

Put a rubber on it.

Get on.

Don't you wear him out!.

He's got to work tonight.

What a great place!.

You know, you can tell so much

about a person from the way they live.

Just looking around here, l can tell...

...you're a genuinely dirty person.

What do l do with this?

You keep it there.

Where's your garbage?

There.

-Do you know what l'd like to do?

-What?

Guess your weight.

That would be interesting for me.

No one has tried to guess my weight.

-I guess their weight so it would be sort--

-Put your arms up.

This will give me

a whole different perspective on this.

You're really trying to be accurate.

Is it getting hot in here?

Wait a minute!.

What's happening to my special purpose?

What's your special purpose?

When l was a kid, my mom told me

that was my special purpose...

...and someday l'd find out

what that special purpose was!.

Today's the day!.

This is like a ride!.

"My dear family, guess what?

"Today l found out

what my special purpose is for.

"Gosh, what a great time l had.

"l wish the whole family

could have been here with me.

"Maybe some other time...

"...as l intend to do this a lot...

"...every chance l get.

"l think next week

l'll be able to send more money...

"...as l may have extra work.

"My friend Patti promised me a blow job.

"Your loving son, Navin."

And he's got the kisses here.

-That Patti must be a sweet girl.

-God bless her.

Do you think we'll get to know each other

well enough to kiss?

We don't have to. You're my man.

It's like we're married. Look at my ass.

You have my last name tattooed

right there under the J's.

First l get my name in the phone book,

and now l'm on your ass.

You know, l'll bet more people

see that than the phone book.

End of the line.

This is Engineer Fred.

Come back and visit me again.

Billy!.

Have you seen a 5-year-old boy, blond hair,

wearing a T-shirt that says "bullshit" on it?

No, there was just one kid had a T-shirt

that said "life sucks" on it.

We got off the Round-Up,

and he said he wanted to go on the train.

There he is!. Billy!.

-Come back here!.

-Get off the train.

Pull that lever!. Pull the lever!.

Here, hold that!. And these!.

Take my keys. And hold my wallet. Okay.

Don't touch the Johnson bar,

you'll explode the fuel casing!.

And if the Wolfe and Smith

indicator gets above 160...

-...turn that off there.

-I can't take you here anymore.

There's a screwdriver.

Put it in, turn it one quarter.

Listen, we're going into a tunnel.

Don't stand up.

The clearance is only 4 foot--

-No.

-I'm okay.

I was protected by the bill

of my Engineer Fred cap.

Thanks for pulling my cap down.

You scared me half to death.

Thank you so much.

It would've been so embarrassing

to go home without Billy.

Here's your gloves

and your oil can and your wallet.

And this fell out.

Those guys!.

Listen, what you did just now

was very brave.

Is there some way l could repay you?

Repay me?

I could never accept anything from you

for saving your child.

He's not my child.

I'm just baby-sitting for a friend.

-Would it be too much if l asked for a kiss?

-No.

He's a real little dickens.

Thank you.

Miss?

I was just standing here right now,

and l was...

...wondering, if you weren't

doing anything tomorrow...

...maybe you might want to go out with....

What?

I thought maybe you might

want to go out with me.

Are you trying to ask me for a date?

Once for no, twice for yes.

Okay.

You're so cute.

How about 3:
30 tomorrow

at the Round-Up?

Okay.

Do you have any boyfriends?

Not really.

Are they crazy? lf l was a fella,

l'd be around all the time.

Well, see if you can work it out.

We have a date tomorrow.

What's your name?

Marie.

What's yours?

I'll tell you tomorrow. It'll give us

something interesting to talk about.

Hi!.

What's up, hubby?

I got these for you.

Thanks.

Navin, you know the other day

when l showed you the tattoo?

Yeah.

Well, l forgot to tell you something.

-Really? What?

-This.

That's what's going to happen to you if

l ever catch you looking at another broad.

I'm glad you told me.

And remember, l did this without anger.

And l stayed away from your crotch.

Bye, sweetie.

-Hi!.

-What happened?

It was unbelievable.

These guys jumped me.

They tried to get these flowers.

I got 'em for you.

It's kind of a traditional date deal.

Yeah, l've heard of that. What were they?

Couple of dozen roses.

Look like daisy stems.

What? That guy gypped me.

Put daisy stems on my roses.

Look, these hoodlums are dangerous.

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