The Jerk Theory Page #2

But, sir, l don't work here.

Not even for $1 .10 an hour?

"Dear Folks, l got this greatjob

in a gas station.

"l don't want to say

how much l'm getting...

"...but let'sjust say it's a lot!

"l'm enclosing $2!"

That's a good boy!.

"lt's a lot of fun working,

and Mr. Hartounian is really nice.

"He's teaching me how to be impatient.

"Well, l've got to go now. What do you

think l do, write letters all day?"

-You actually sleep here?

-Yes. Is that okay?

Come with me.

I got a beautiful little place for you.

Put the light on.

You're going to like it here.

Like it? l love it!. This is fabulous!.

You got the toilet here!.

This must be the kitchen. No.

You know what l could do...

...is take this wall

and just turn it this way...

...so l've got a larger living space...

...plus it'll create a flow into

the main living area. It'll be incredible.

No, l'll just elevate this about six inches...

...create the illusion of two rooms,

and yet still have that flow.

Then l can take bookshelves

and put it here.

No, l'll put the books right over here.

That way l can be relaxing over here...

...the customers can use the urinal. I won't

disturb them, they won't disturb me.

Take it easy. It's not here. It's in here.

I couldn't afford this anyway.

Well, this is it.

It's perfect!.

I won't have to change this at all!.

Take a look.

No kitchen, no windows,

no chairs, no tables.

It's a masterpiece of understatement.

I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb.

I'll bring some sheets from the house.

You'll be set for life.

How much is this gonna cost me?

Nothing. When you're rich and famous,

you'll send me a postcard.

A postcard?

Okay!. It's a deal.

It's a deal.

What are those?

Step outside for a second, darling.

Navin, this is my wife Lenore.

Lenore, this is Navin.

Pleased to meet you.

Do you know why a woman

of such pulchritude is married to me?

'Cause l make a comfortable living.

This is the first time

l'm leaving you alone on a Sunday.

If anything should happen to this station,

this woman would leave me like a--

In other words, there would be no more....

-Do you know what l'm talking about?

-Yes, sir. No more....

So remember,

guard this station with your life...

...because my sex life is in your hands.

I can fix those shocks.

No. We just want some gas, muchacho.

Okay. But it's Sunday.

We've got to have a credit card.

And all the cash is locked up?

No, not locked up. We got a lot of cash.

Just that the banks are closed...

...and l'm not allowed to have cash

coming in or out.

I'm alone for the first time.

I don't want anything to happen.

You flash this kind of wad in front

of some people, they'll kill you for it.

So, we've got to have a credit card.

Have we got a credit card in there?

Credit card.

No, thanks. I don't smoke.

-What kind of cigarette is that?

-Joint.

Joint?

They don't make 'em very good.

-MasterCharge do?

-That's fine. We take MasterCharge.

You want a fill-up, Mrs. Nussbaum?

I'm Mr. Nussbaum.

Yeah, that's his wife's card.

-His wife's card?

-Yeah, l'll vouch for him.

Okay, as long as we got a voucher.

Stolen!.

I got it!. Just send a police car over.

Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card!.

I got the guys who stole it.

Hold on, they're calling me!.

I'll be right back!.

-Yes?

-Yeah, throw a couple of tires in the trunk.

Put it on the card. Radials.

-Make them whitewalls.

-Yes, sir, Mr. Nussbaum.

I'm back, only it's worse than l thought.

They're not only sticking us for gas,

but grabbing tires and everything.

They're really socking it to us.

Yeah, it's Hartounian's Gas Station

at the corner--

Hang on a second.

I don't want to get 'em suspicious.

Don't worry, l can keep 'em here.

I saw this trick in a movie.

-Got your tires!.

-Yeah, good.

-Anything else?

-Yeah.

We'll take that money

you got in your pocket.

Sure. I'll just put it on the card.

Guess what!.

You're our eighth customer today!.

You won a free oven mitt!.

I'll go get it for you.

Yeah, l'm back.

Yeah, they're gonna be here for a while.

Don't worry. I've rigged it.

You guys want to stick around

for an oven mitt?

Hang on just a second.

They might not be here

exactly when you get back but...

...it's a blue Chevy two-door.

And it'd be going south on Hertado Street.

No, l can't make out

the license number, but...

...it'd be pulling a small church.

Any blue Chevy pulling a small church

l figure that'd be the one, yeah.

Believe me, l'm not mad at you.

What's the matter with you?

What did l lose, a couple of tires?

Look at the bright side.

We also lost a church.

Mr. Hartounian.

Oh, my God!.

Thank you.

The new phone book's here!.

I wish l could get that excited

about nothing.

Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73!.

"Johnson, Navin R."

I'm somebody now!. Millions of people

look at this book every day!.

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity...

...your name in print, that makes people!.

I'm in print!.

Things are going to start happening

to me now.

"Johnson, Navin R."

Sounds like a typical bastard.

Die, Navin R. Johnson.

Bastard!.

Random son of a b*tch,

typical run-of-the-mill bastard.

-Fill 'er up?

-Fill 'er up and a little bit extra.

-Stan Fox, buying gas.

-Navin R. Johnson selling it, sir!.

Gotcha, you average...

...typical blocking-the-view-

of-a-goddamn-average-victim bastard!.

-Check your oil?

-Check away, Navin R. Johnson.

Oil rag at the ready, sir!.

-Let's check the oil together.

-Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Son-of-a-blocking bastard!.

Looks good to me, sir,

but l'd like your opinion.

Damn these glasses.

It looks good to me, too.

Hurry up. Time's a wasting.

I'm going to the john. Don't forget

to check those tires. Damn these glasses.

Yes, sir!. I damn thee!.

Damn!.

Damn these glasses!.

-I can fix those glasses.

-You can?

Well, here, fix those suckers!.

Sh*t!.

Guess what? l fixed 'em.

I was back there thinking...

..."What causes glasses to slip on and off?. "

And it's because

when you take them on and off...

...you're putting pressure on the frames.

It causes them to spread.

So l put a little handle

right here in the center...

...that puts the pressure on the bridge.

Just like the tie rods on a '72 Buick.

Plus, l put a little nose brake on here

to prevent slippage. Try it.

Use the handle.

Well, l'll be.

It works.

I make a pretty good living

selling sh*t like this. I'll tell you what.

If l can develop this gizmo,

l'll split it with you fifty-fifty.

How much for the gas?

l got a load of sh*t to sell.

-$26.41 .

-Here's a triple dix. Keep the change.

Thanks!.

Dead center!. Say your prayers, half-breed!.

Harry!. Look at this!.

What's the matter with these cans?

Die, milk-face!.

These cans are defective.

They're springing leaks.

Come and look at this.

You better run for cover

or you'll spring a leak.

We don't have defective cans.

We have a defective person!.

He hates these cans.

Stay away from the cans!.

Die, gas pumper!.

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