The Lady Eve

Once a day is plenty.

Just a couple of flies, a sip of milk

and perhaps a pigeon's egg on Sundays.

I certainly will, Professor.

Keep her warm as you get farther north,

and let her out of her box to play.

I certainly will, Professor.

Tell Dr. Marzditz I have named

her Columbrina Marzditzia.

And this is only the beginning of

what I am bringing out when I come out.

I'll do that,

and I want to tell you...

I want to tell you how much I've enjoyed

being on this expedition with you.

If I had my way, this is the way

I'd like to spend all my time,

in the company of men like yourselves

in the pursuit of knowledge.

So long, Lulu.

I'll send you a postcard.

Good-bye, Charlie. If you get a chance

to come back, this is where we'll be.

Give my affectionate

salutations to your father.

Thank him for making the Pike expedition

possible and, I hope, a success.

- I will, Professor.

- Good-bye, my boy.

- Good-bye, Muggsy.

- So long. Don't take no wooden money.

- Good-bye, Sparky.

- Good-bye, Charlie.

- Bye, Mac.

- Good-bye, Charlie.

- Bye, boys.

- So long, "Sarlie. "

- So long, gang.

- So long, Muggsy.

Be careful of the traffic.

You haven't dodged any in a long time.

And be careful of the dames. You've

not dodged them for a long time either.

- You know me, Mac, nothing but reptiles.

- That's right, my boy.

Good-bye.

There he is!

You'd think he'd have a

bigger yacht than that if he's so rich.

- That isn't a yacht. That's a tender.

- What's a tender?

- I said Pabst.

- It was Pike.

- So what?

- Go put on your shorts.

- You can try.

- Mom, it makes me puke.

- Puke?

- No, Pike!

Go put on your peekaboo.

- Get down there and make it fast.

- Aye, aye, sir.

Gee, I hope he's rich.

I hope he thinks he's a wizard at cards.

From your lips to the ear

of the Almighty.

I hope he's got a fat wife so I don't

have to dance in the moonlight with him.

A sucker always steps

on your feet.

- A mug is a mug in everything.

- I don't see why I have to do the work.

There must be plenty of rich old dames

just waiting for you to push 'em around.

You find 'em.

I'll push 'em.

Would I like to see you giving some

old harpy the three-in-one.

- Don't be vulgar, Jean.

Let us be crooked but never common.

- Is he rich?

As the purser so picturesquely put it,

he's dripping with dough.

- He'd almost have to be to stop a boat.

- What does he own, Pike's Peak?

Oh, no, no. Pike's Pale,

"The ale that won for Yale. "

- I wonder if I could clunk him.

- Don't do that!

Hey!

- Two Pike's Pale.

- Now, wait a minute!

Six more Pike's Pale,

and make it snappy.

Are you trying to embarrass me?

We're all out of Pike's.

- Work 'em over on something else.

- They don't want nothin' else.

They want the ale that won for Yale.

Rah, rah, rah!

Well, tell 'em

to go to Harvard.

- Come on.

- How many times do I have to tell ya...

- Four Pike's Pale.

- Now listen!

- Not good enough.

- What'd you say?

I said they're not good enough for him.

EveryJane in the room...

is giving him the thermometer, and

he feels they're just a waste of time.

He's returning to his book.

He's deeply immersed in it.

He's sees no one except... Watch

his head turn when that kid goes by.

It won't do you any good, dear.

He's a bookworm, but swing 'em anyway.

Ah, how about this one?

How would you like that hanging

on your Christmas tree?

Oh, you wouldn't?

Well, what is your weakness, brother?

Holy smoke,

the dropped kerchief!

Hasn't been used since Lily Langtry.

You'll have to pick it up yourself.

It's a shame that he doesn't care

for the flesh. He'll never see it.

Look at that girl over to his left.

Look over to your left, bookworm.

There's a girl pining for you.

A little further.

Just a little further. There!

Wasn't that worth looking for?

See those nice teeth beaming at you?

Why, she recognizes you. She's up.

She's down. She can't make up her mind.

She's up again. She recognizes you.

She's coming over to speak to you.

The suspense is killing me.

Why, for heaven's sake,

Aren't you Fuzzy Oldhammer

I went to manual training school with?

You're not? You certainly look exactly

like him... a remarkable resemblance.

If you're not going to ask me to sit,

I suppose you're not going to ask me.

Sorry. I certainly hope I haven't

caused you any embarrassment.

I wonder if my tie's on straight.

I certainly upset them, don't I?

Who else? The lady champion wrestler.

Wouldn't she make a houseful?

You don't like her either.

What are you going to do about it?

You just can't stand it anymore.

You're leaving.

These women don't give you a moment's

peace, do they? Go sulk in your cabin.

Go soak your head

and see if I care!

I'm very sorry, sir.

That's all right.

- Why don't you look where you're going?

- Why don't I look?

- Look, you knocked the heel off.

- Oh, I did? I'm sorry.

You did, and you can take me right to

my cabin for another pair of slippers.

- The least I can do. My name's Pike.

- Everybody knows.

Nobody's talking about

anything else.

This is my father Colonel Harrington.

My name is Jean. It's really Eugenia.

- Funny our meeting like this, isn't it?

- Yes, isn't it?

- This is quite a cabin.

- Pretty cozy, isn't it?

- Holy Moses!

- What's the matter?

- That perfume.

- What's the matter with it?

It's just that I've been up the Amazon

for a year, and they don't use perfume.

Oh. The shoes are over here.

Because you were so polite, you can pick

them out and put them on if you like.

Push that side. There.

- Holy Moses!

- See anything you like?

The evening slippers are over there.

Those the ones you want?

Doesn't seem possible

for anybody to wear anything that size.

Oh, that's pretty.

You'll have to kneel down.

- I hope I didn't hurt you.

- Of course you didn't.

Don't you feel well?

Oh, I'm all right.

- What were you doing up the Amazon?

- Looking for snakes.

- I'm an ophiologist.

- I thought you were

in the beer business.

- Beer? Ale!

- What's the difference?

- Between beer and ale?

- Yes.

My father'd burst a blood vessel

if he heard you say that.

There's a big difference. Ale's sort

of fermented on the top or something.

And beer's fermented on the bottom.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

There's no similarity at all.

The trouble with being

descended from a brewer,

no matter how long ago he "brewed-ed"

or whatever you call it,

you're supposed to know all about

something you don't give a hoot about.

It's funny to be kneeling here

at your feet talking about beer.

You see, I don't like beer.

Bock beer, lager beer or steam beer.

- Don't you?

- I do not!

And I don't like pale ale, brown ale,

nut brown ale, porter or stout,

which makes me "ulp"

just to think about it.

Excuse me.

Wasn't enough, so everybody would

call me Hopsie ever since I was six.

- Hopsie Pike.

- Hello, Hopsie.

Make it, Charlie, will you?

All right, but there's something

kinda cute about Hopsie.

And when you get older,

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