The Lady in the Van Page #5

Why do you say that?

No one is going to run into me!

Where's the key?

- What key?

- The car key. I put it down.

Well, I haven't got it.

- You had to have taken it.

- I have not.

You're lying! You don't want me

to have the car, so you've taken the key.

- Don't shout!

- I have to shout because of your ignorance.

People coming and going

all hours of the day and night.

I'd be better off in a ditch!

Give me the key!

I haven't got your sodding key!

What's that around your neck?

This is the key. The sodding key!

Having fun?

Shouldn't you say sorry?

I've no time for sorry.

Sorry is for God.

This was the only time

I ever touched her,

and not because she was calling me a liar,

but because she seemed mad.

It was my mother.

It's always Mam you compare her with.

They are not the same.

I don't like them

even sharing the same sentence.

These days, it's almost

as if we're married.

"How's your old lady?" They say.

Which is what people call a wife.

Your old lady.

How's your old lady?

Well, she's still there. I'm still here.

Your mother died, didn't she?

No, she's still here, too.

She's in a home.

Except she's not all there.

She's not anywhere.

Shouldn't we make that plain in the play?

No. It's classified information.

Years ago,

Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home.

But she's still on the loose.

Of course, whether she's all there or not

is anyone's guess.

Mr Bennett!

You know, I don't like

the three-wheeler standing in the street.

You see, if you pushed the van

in front of your window,

I could get the Reliant

in there on the drive.

There's tons of room.

So, I have the van and the Reliant.

Yeah, I've had guidance

that's where it should be.

You know, in terms of vandals.

Guidance from whom?

I'm not at liberty to speak.

I think I may contact my new social worker.

What for? You always say

you don't want the social worker.

I've had guidance she might help.

I don't want a used car lot.

- Mary says.

- Mary who?

MEW-

Your Lady in the Van.

Didn't you know her name was Mary?

Well, I suppose I did.

I always call her Miss Shepherd.

We all have names.

Perhaps if you called her by her name

and she called you by yours,

"Alan!!! "Mary",

you never know, it might be easier

to talk things through.

Through? There is no through.

How do you talk things through

with someone

who has conversations with the Virgin Mary?

You talk things through

with Isaiah Berlin, maybe,

who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd,

is a man of few words.

You do not talk things through with her

because you don't get through.

Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here.

I realise for you this may be

a steep learning curve.

No. It is not a steep learning curve.

I've never been on a

so-called learning curve.

I'm about as likely to be found

on a learning curve

as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt.

And besides, her name isn't Mary.

Oh?

Some people seem to think it's Margaret.

You know, it isn't even Shepherd.

Well, I have her down as Mary.

Yes, and you presumably have her down

as a rational human being.

Ugh...

Ugh...

Hello!

Mummy!

Back in half an hour.

Hello, Margaret.

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

What are you doing there? Come on!

What's happened to Stirling Moss?

Haven't seen her at the wheel recently.

Taking a well-earned break, I imagine.

The Dordogne, possibly.

- Really?

- Pauline.

Her car's back.

But I haven't seen her around for a bit.

I wonder if she's all right.

Am I right in thinking

that large, many-contoured stain at the

back of her frock denotes incontinence?

I don't think it's a fashion statement.

Oh, darling.

What you must be hoping is that

one of these days she'll just slip away.

Don't you believe it.

That's what happens in plays.

In life, going downhill is an uphill job.

How's your mother?

Oh, same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps.

Oh.

Are you all right?

Me? Yes, why? I'm just

going to the theatre.

- Not upset about your play?

- No.

I read a good review the other day.

- I was told they were all good.

- They are, I'm sure.

We enjoyed it.

Though I hadn't realised it was just

going to be you and nobody else.

Well, yes. It's a monologue.

Yes, I suppose.

I'm just amazed how you remember it all.

The review I read

was particularly perceptive about you.

Really? Saying what?

That you couldn't make your mind up.

- About what?

- Anything, really.

It meant in a good way!

Thanks.

Actually, I couldn't make it out at all.

What was it about?

Him, as usual. Not coming clean.

- What about?

- What do you think?

Oh.

And when I came down again,

she's still sat there, hat and coat on.

She said, "Graham,

my one aim in life is for you to be happy."

And execute 45.

"If I thought that by dying

it would make you happy, I would."

Go.

I said, "Mam",

"your dying wouldn't make me happy.

In fact, the reverse."

"It would make me unhappy.

Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die."

She said, "No, I'm not going to die."

"I'm going to get married."

"The honeymoon is in Tenerife."

"Have one of your tablets."

BENNETT. So, for the umpteenth time,

I biked back from the theatre

where I'd been talking about my mother.

Well, at least I know where my mother is.

Miss Shepherd.

Miss Shepherd?

I don't like it.

- So, look in.

- No.

- Are you scared?

- No.

Not of the body.

Scared this may be the end of the story,

and now I'm going to have to write it.

Still, now she's gone.

I can make it up.

Narrative freedom. Whoopee.

Miss Shepherd.

- Miss Shepherd?

- Go on.

What are you doing?

Looking at my things?

I thought you might be ill or dead.

- Dead? Me?

- I was concerned.

You were nosy!

I haven't seen you. I'm sorry.

I'm not dead! You'll know when I'm dead.

I'm sorry.

Dead? Me?

I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you.

Dead?

Don't make me laugh.

She didn't die then,

and nor did my mother.

But as the years passed,

both of them were beginning to fade.

As you can appreciate,

it's difficult to take a history.

But I'm right in thinking

she hasn't been a smoker?

- No.

- Not been a smoker, doesn't drink.

All things considered,

a very healthy woman.

You think?

This is a woman who's broken her hip.

And of course, in someone younger

and in better circumstances,

we'd give them antibiotics.

But at your mother's age,

and in her state of mind,

one wonders if this is altogether kind.

And if you don't give her antibiotics,

what will happen?

She may recover.

Or not.

She could just sleep away.

You mustn't reproach yourself.

You've done

more than can be expected.

Thank you.

Oh.

Mr Bennett.

- Where have you been?

- Seeing my mother.

Oh. How is she?

The same. She doesn't remember me now.

Well, I'm not surprised.

She doesn't see you very often.

Will you write about me?

I don't know.

She never said this.

So?

Oh. I've heard you. On the wireless.

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