The Last Boy Scout

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Green 88!

That ends the first half of play...

...with the score:

Cleveland 17, Los Angeles 10.

Let's go! Move!

Billy Cole!

The first half stunk!

Open the holes up!

Get in there like pigs!

Billy Cole.

Call on line 3.

Let's kick some butt.

Let's get out of this town a winner!

I hate Cleveland!

Hello, William. This is Milo.

There's a lot of money on this game.

You better score some touchdowns.

Do whatever it takes.

Understood?

Or else you're history.

It's the second half.

We're in Cleveland...

...for this game between the

L.A. Stallions and Cleveland Cats.

I'm Vern Lundquist with

Dick Butkus. And yes, friends...

...it really is that wet.

Vern, even though the Stallions

trail 17-10...

...there walks a happy man, Sheldon

Marcone, owner of the L.A. Stallions.

His team tops the

Western Division at 6-2.

Sheldon is with Lynn Swann now.

- Let's go to them.

- 29,256.

That's pretty poor attendance,

wouldn't you say?

I wouldn't say.

Explain the attendance and TV ratings

drop-off. Is pro football dying?

No, it's good journalism

that's dying, Lynn.

Are there any heroes left in the game?

What game are you watching?

Let's talk about heroes.

Billy Cole is having the game

of his life tonight.

First and 10 at the

Cleveland 47-yard line.

First and 10, 2 minutes left.

It's probably L.A.'s final possession.

L.A. Needs 7.

A field goal will not do.

You've got to be thinking:

"Get the ball to Billy Cole. "

The pass is complete to Billy Cole!

Ain't life a b*tch?

Dude's trashed.

We should do something to him.

Do it.

This dude is really trashed.

Go on. Take his watch.

He's got a gun!

This is Hallenbeck Investigations.

Leave your message at the beep.

Joe! Mike Matthews.

I got a job for you.

Hold on a minute.

I thought you were in Vegas.

I was going to leave a message.

You sound terrific.

I think I f***ed

a squirrel to death.

You still taking charity?

- What do you got?

- Stripper. Excuse me, exotic dancer.

Some weirdo's hassling her

and I'm booked solid. She's hot.

Rates 3 on my finger scale.

I'd cut off 3 fingers

if God would let me f*** her.

Make her a one on your nose scale.

Improve your looks.

Yeah, eat me.

I'm booked.

You got plans?

I was going to smoke cigarettes.

- Could you postpone?

- These are pretty good cigarettes.

It's 500 bucks.

I got to run some errands.

Meet you in an hour.

Comb your hair.

I'll lend you a nice jacket...

Nobody likes you.

Everybody hates you.

You're going to lose.

Smile, you f***.

Jimmy?

You still here?

Guess I am.

Help me!

Ray.

- What's with the girl, man?

- B*tch won't blow me.

It's too early for that.

Let her go.

She ain't coming up

till she starts blowing.

She's going to drown, man.

F*** you, loser!

Let her go.

Why are you here? It's a league party.

You got kicked out, remember?

You bastard!

- Get out of here.

- Pig!

You fuckhead!

Best arm in the National League.

Remember that, you fat son of a b*tch!

I thought you were in Las Vegas.

I was.

Where'd you sleep?

The office.

Furry Tom.

How much you lose?

I wasn't there to gamble.

How much?

I was doing a skip trace.

What is this?

Darian drew a holiday picture.

Obviously, her teacher wants to see us.

Where is she?

Slept at a friend's.

Boys giving her a hard time

about the braces?

Are you kidding? "Metal mouth"

is the latest. Little bastards.

She'll be screwing them

when she's 14.

Watch your mouth.

You let her wear so much

makeup she looks...

...like a goddamn raccoon.

I thought she was a burglar.

I almost shot her twice.

You're not funny.

Girls wear makeup.

I'm sure they don't put it on

with a paint sprayer.

For your information, a lot

of people think I'm very funny.

Go live with them.

Don't tempt me.

Who's the guy in the closet?

Excuse me?

You forget I'm a detective.

There's all this

steam in the shower.

Only your hair is dry.

So it must be somebody else.

A male.

The toilet seat's up.

Since he's not under the bed...

...I figure you must have

stuck him in the closet.

Who's in the closet?

Jesus Christ, nothing changes.

You're still a lunatic.

Will you tell me who?

Shall I open the closet?

I'll do it.

Then we'll both know you're psycho!

Is that what you want?

Thank you.

That door stays shut.

What I'm going to do...

...is count to 3.

Then I'll put a bullet in that door.

You can stop me

by telling the truth.

Call your shrink and

tell him you're losing it.

The truth is a beautiful thing.

How dare you come

into this house and...

- Look, Joe...

- Keeping her warm for me?

Easy.

Don't do nothing dumb.

How was she?

On your scale,

how was my wife?

It just happened.

Sure, I know.

It just happened.

It could happen to anybody.

An accident.

You tripped and accidentally

stuck your dick in my wife.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. H.

I guess this just isn't my week. "

Put the gun down.

The gun.

You're right.

I think I am losing it.

Get out of here.

Head or gut, Mike?

Joe, how long we been friends?

Roughly till you started

banging my wife.

Head or gut?

Gut.

Got that address for me?

The surveillance job.

You still want the job?

I guess you're right.

Throw a shot into her?

Get the f*** out of here.

Go sh*t in your own yard.

Joe!

Over here.

Somebody wired the car.

Who the f*** did this?

Mr. Rogers.

How the hell should I know?

You told the cops?

I told them Mike came by

to farm out a surveillance job.

That's all?

You didn't mention...

No. I didn't mention it.

You knew, didn't you?

I suspected.

Why didn't you say something?

Say what?

"F*** you, Sarah"?

Anything to get a rise out of you.

"You're a lying b*tch, Sarah,"

or "I'll spit in your face. "

Want me to spit on you?

- It would show you had pride.

- Fresh out, honey.

F*** you, Joe. You're never around.

I was lonely!

Buy a dog.

I'm not the one who hates you.

You're the one who hates you.

And I get to live with myself

Alex, the astronaut.

The astronaut.

Last time I saw you drink straight

vodka was because you cheated on Cory.

Why don't you pour me another?

You didn't.

You got to be crazy,

cheating on her.

I got to be something, Harp.

Because all I do is lose friends...

...drink and nail anything

with a heartbeat.

Just stay on that side of the bar.

Should I pay now?

No, you should not.

Put the money away.

Sit down.

The cops can't help?

Sure. After I'm dead,

they'll do the autopsy.

Guess you can't wait that long.

Guess not.

This the only music

they play here?

I hate this funk sh*t.

I may charge extra.

What'd you expect?

The Four Freshmen.

Pat Boone.

Are you my father?

I'm your father.

Put some clothes on.

You're hilarious.

Stand by that speaker.

You'll scream...

"... Play that funky music, white boy!"

The screaming I believe.

Hello, handsome.

Who's the stiff over there?

That's nobody.

It's my turn to dance. Sh*t.

Let's bring out a woman

who's always in the mood.

Put your hands together for

the lovely and talented Miss Cory!

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