The Last Man

---

( street activity )

( street activity stops )

( alarm goes off )

Man:

Testing, testing. One...

two... three.

Hello.

My name is Alan Gould.

If you're finding this tape,

you're probably a new race

that's gone through our cities

and noticed that everyone's...

dead. Oh.

Except for birds and bees--

things with wings that can fly.

Anyway, you're probably wondering:

"What the hell happened?!"

I don't know why I made it,

but I think

I can explain the rest.

Now... technically...

it could have been a lot of things.

A neutron weapon...

some kind of nerve agent.

We had plenty

of that one around.

Or maybe some sort of...

deadly virus

the government was studying.

Truthfully...

I don't know exactly

what happened.

But I do know this:

some f***er

ruined everything!

Sorry.

But what happened here...

and what happened

since the first time some guy

hit another guy with a rock,

all comes down to the fact

that someone...

didn't get loved.

So they got even.

So you don't think

I'm talking out of my ass--

'cause I'm the last guy--

I think that I have

some insight here.

Up until everything ended,

I was a graduate student

in anthropology.

I studied the Chetabi Indians

of the Brazilian rainforest.

This is them... that's me.

Now, the Chetabi

were very interesting

because they were primitive--

totally primitive.

I mean, seriously,

these people were scared of...

shiny things.

But they were... peaceful.

And they survived as a race

for 4000 years.

Now... what did the Chetabi know,

that we didn't?

The Chetabi understood

that when you became attached,

when you cared

too much for things,

or for people...

that eventually,

you would be crushed...

when you lost them.

This would cause hate...

and envy.

And so, they developed...

Goyen Hai,

the principle of detachment.

And they managed to get over...

needy emotions.

I mean,

that is this guy's wife!

Now, what happened is a crime.

It's a horrible f***ing thing.

'Cause I'm stuck out here,

living in the woods,

'cause it's too depressing

downtown.

My whole life has become

some giant Twilight Zone episode!

You never get a second chance

at certain things.

But it's all right.

I'm okay.

Because, fortunately, having studied

the Chetabi for six years,

two on scholarship,

I think I have mastered detachment.

I definitely got that down.

But I can't let this

happen again.

So, hopefully,

this tape will be a way for me

to pass along

what I've learned...

so you guys don't wind up

killing each other.

Well, that's it.

But I think this will be fun!

- ( turns on siren )

- Woo-hoo!

This is the time

I remember

First day of school

Sweet September

We fell in love

In the summer

I'm still hearing

All the kids whisper...

( paper rustling )

( oven door opening )

( oven door closing )

( beeping )

( rattling )

...Now it seems

Like such a bad dream

Come back, come back,

right back to me

You don't even know, people

What it feels like...

It's amazing how long

this stuff stays fresh.

It's funny, you know?

All this is mine.

I should feel free

to do whatever I want.

What the hell,

it doesn't mean anything.

How are you? It's the midnight show

here at the Last Man Lounge,

and I'm taking requests.

Anybody?

Hello? Hello?

Is this thing on?

I guess it's dead

out there tonight,

so I'll play

one of my favorites.

I hope it's one of yours.

It goes something like this...

( plays Beethoven sonata )

It occurred to me that I let

a few emotions slide yesterday.

But I want you to know

that no matter what,

I will not edit this tape.

The Chetabi

achieved detachment

by making everyone reveal...

their hidden feelings,

no matter how embarrassing.

The shame would

eventually wear off.

Which is why

I am now preparing...

for this Chetabi

humility ritual.

When a secret bad thought

was discovered,

the offender was covered in mud...

to single him out.

And then it was felt

that public... masturbation

would add a deeper layer...

of shame...

and cleanse the soul...

of evil thoughts...

and foolish pride.

So...

This may take a minute.

I have to think back.

But I'm comfortable with it.

I am.

I'm not trying

to justify anything,

but this mud is cold.

- ( woman screams )

- Alan:
Wait!

Woman:
No! No!

- No!

- Alan:
Wait! Wait!

Wait!

- ( woman screams )

- Wait!

Our Father Who art in Heaven,

hallowed be Thy name.

Forgive me, please,

forgive me. I'm sorry...

It's all right.

It's all right!

I'm not going to hurt you!

I'm from the Bay area!

Oh God!

( woman weeps )

I went to my mother's house...

and she was in the shower...

all twisted up...

lying in the bottom...

the water running.

My mother--

Alan:
It's okay.

It's okay.

Woman:
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just--

when I first saw you, I--

I thought

I was being punished.

No, you're not

being punished.

You seem great.

You don't know me.

Look, what happened--

it was everybody's fault.

It's stupid f***ing pride.

Yes.

That's what caused

the accident.

No.

It wasn't an accident.

God was angry.

He wanted to leave me alone.

And then...

when I saw you,

all covered,

and with the smoke...

I thought you were--

God?

No.

But you seem decent.

You're a decent person, right?

So then, maybe I have a chance.

There we go.

Day-- I don't know--

five?

Hi, guys.

The camera's been off

for a little while.

Sorry about that.

But I met this terrific girl.

And we had to get

to know each other.

I'll get back to you on that.

I first want you to meet her.

Sarah? Come here.

You'll love her.

She's terrific.

Sarah?

( both laugh )

So--

Anyway, Sarah is going

to stay with us for a while.

- For a long while.

- He's very good.

He's a very good man.

And I explained to her that we are

making this serious documentary--

Do you know

about the Chetabi?

They were Indians.

( mimics Indians )

No, come on.

This serious documentary

on how not

to screw up the Earth.

So, tell them

about yourself, Sarah.

I don't want to film now.

No, come on,

you're a fresh face.

They want to see a fresh,

beautiful face.

Tell them about yourself.

Alan:
Okay...

I guess you guys

don't need to see that.

Hi. It's still day five.

Sarah nodded off,

so I thought we could talk.

She's something, huh?

I mean, she's... pretty,

and smart,

and incredibly sexy.

A little mixed up philosophically,

but what can you expect right now?

She seems

to have fallen for me.

It was...

a meant-to-be thing,

I think.

We spent the whole day

just talking about stuff...

you know?

Then we tried to figure out things

we had in common,

to see why we survived.

It turns out

it's either

an allergy to ragweed,

or the fact

that we both take zinc.

But she's great.

She's got

this cute little laugh.

God, I love her laugh.

We made love tonight.

It was unbelievable!

I'm really not surprised

things turned out like this.

Itjust proves

the Chetabi were right.

They say:

"Expect nothing from the sky,

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