The Last Showing

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1

I've got a surprise for you.

- Really? What's this in aid of?

- Just saw it, it made me think of you.

That must have cost you a fortune.

I got it cheap, it was

going out of season.

Well, thank you.

Thanks.

I love it.

I've got a surprise for you too.

Me. You. A midnight screening

of The Hills Have Eyes II.

What? Tonight?

Yeah! It's Wes Craven.

I mean, pre Elm Street, and so I

have to admit it's an acquired taste.

All right. OK, yeah,

you're really selling it to me.

Come on, aren't you up for it?

- Of course I am.

- Mm. I meant the film.

Look, it'll be fun.

Yeah? So will the other thing.

You know what they say,

being scared can actually be a turn-on.

- So, you never know.

- Ahh. Really?

Where's Stuart?

I don't know.

Stuart, come in.

Pick up, Stuart.

- Yes?

- Where are you?

Break room.

You can go. Anthony will

do the clean up tonight.

I'd rather stay.

You've had a longer shift.

I'm quite sure Anthony's got

more places to be than I do.

You'd have to stay for

the midnight special.

Right, fine.

I noticed Screen 3 is

running the wrong aspect.

Again.

You do know what an aspect...?

Of course I bloody know what

aspect is, it just doesn't matter.

How doesn't it?

Look, someone will come to fix it.

So in the mean time we continue to

project a film in a substandard way?

Nobody has complained. Except you.

I'll fix it.

You're not allowed up there.

We've had this conversation.

Head office only allows trained

staff to use the projectors.

You refused the training.

I don't need a certificate to show

I can push one bloody button.

Stuart. Are we gonna

have a problem tonight?

No, no problem.

Huh. Weird, I took you for more

of a Justin Bieber kind of girl.

Sod off!

- What, another boyfriend?

- Oh, are you my boyfriend now?

Oh, are you my boyfriend now?

Come on, we're going to be late.

Oh! Whoa, sorry, dude.

- You all right?

- Tickets please.

- Oh. You got the tickets?

- No. I gave you the...

Sorry again, dude.

Come on! Quick, quick, quick!

Hello?

Hello? Excuse me.

Hello?

So sorry. How may I serve you?

Oh. Um... Pbbt.

Popcorn? Small?

Mm. You know I like it large.

Here at Midnight Cinema we're offering

a large drink special for a pound extra.

- Would you care to upgrade?

- Yeah, OK.

So, what's this film

actually about then?

OK, well, survival,

revenge, primal fears.

All right, and big breasted women

running towards the camera.

I've not been scared by a movie

since I watched Candyman.

Yeah, yeah.

They're so cheesy, and you always

guess how they're gonna end.

But it's not just about the end.

Fine, the beginning and middle.

They're the same.

No, people just like to be scared.

I bet they freak you out

just like everyone else.

Which drink then?

- Um, lemonade, please.

- Right.

Hollywood just churn out these

formulaic, predictable, cheap movies.

And they make copies of each other.

It's like when you photocopy

the same picture over again.

- The quality just gets worse.

- When did you last photocopy?

- That's not the point.

- Would you mind just having a taste?

- The pumps are playing up a bit.

- Sure.

Wouldn't want you to

have to come back.

Mm. Yeah, you're right,

that does taste funny.

I do apologise.

It's fine. We'll just

leave it, thanks.

Cool, thanks, mate.

Are you coming?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

hold your horses. My change.

- Oh, wow, macho and cheap.

- Thanks, mate.

You are quite a catch.

So is it like an instant

turn-on or a slow burner?

Well, maybe you'll find out.

Hmm.

So, what seat numbers are we?

Funny.

Ah, you just keep those

hands to yourself.

- Stop the train.

- We're in the middle of a tunnel.

This train terminates here.

Manager to Stuart. Come in.

Pick up, Stuart.

Oi!

I know you can hear me, pick up.

Stuart!

Did you close down the ladies...?

That f***ing guy.

Here we go.

Stuart!

Out! You're not allowed

in here anymore.

I corrected the aspect

on your Screen 3.

I told you not to touch anything.

You need to start f***ing

listening to me!

You to me!

I've spent longer in projection

than you've had hot meals.

I'm not about to take some course

attended by spotty teenagers

in how to fix the aspect ratio.

Nobody gives a sh*t

how the film is shown.

Everything's digital these days,

kids want realism.

And that's just what

they're going to get.

- Look, I'm sorry that this happened...

- No, you're not.

No, this is just a job to you.

This was my life.

What's with the camera?

Stop it.

I will not serve another

Combo Special Number 3

at a venue managed by

inept adolescents.

Nor will I clean up after a bunch of

animals that show me no respect!

That's it, Stuart, you're fired.

I quit. Quit.

You can't quit. You have to wait at

least six months before I retire you.

No.

Sorry.

I'm done.

Shh!

Get off me! Stuart.

What are you doing?

Why are the lights on?

It's about time.

That was to shut you up.

Did I mention how much

I hate horror movies?

Was that it?

You wish.

Come on!

Oh, man, my ears are ringing.

You OK?

I think so, just one too

many cocktails I guess.

I'll be fine.

Where is everyone?

- Martin, let's...

- Hang on, we deserve a refund.

Let's just go!

You all right?

You don't look so good.

Thanks.

Want me to get you anything?

Just gonna find that bathroom.

Do you want me to come with you?

All right, I'll just go and

look for someone then.

Hello?

Hello?

Allie?

Al?

You all right?

Allie?

Come on.

This is Allie. Sorry I can't come

to the phone right now but...

Hi, this is Allie.

I'm sorry I can't come...

Come on, come on.

Hi, this is Allie. I'm sorry

I can't come to the...

What is this?

OK, very good,

you got me! Game's over!

So come on, then.

Where is she? Huh?

Where is she?

OK, fine.

There. It's done.

Whoa! OK! OK! OK! Fine!

Fine! I'll do it this time!

Fine! Yeah! I've done

it now, OK? Are you happy?

So! Now what?

OK, OK, fine, fine, fine! Fine!

Why are you doing this?

Very f***ing funny.

F***!

Good morning.

Now, now, take a moment.

I read on the internet somewhere

that it takes a bit of time to...

acclimate.

Stuart?

Yes, Mr Russell? That's what

I'm supposed to call you, right?

Proper etiquette and all that.

Untie me, please.

Let me go.

Uh, I won't tell anyone.

Perfect dialogue.

I didn't actually think someone

would say that in real life.

So, we are making a film.

Do you enjoy the movies, Mr Russell?

I'm sorry I fired you, please.

You didn't fire me, I quit.

You must be confused.

What are you doing?

You see, every horror

film needs a victim.

Please.

In my day, horror was all about what

you didn't see. Now, that was scary.

These days, they feel

compelled to see everything.

Every movie seems to be

about one-upmanship.

The next death's got to be gorier, it's got

to be more violent, more shocking.

More inventive than the previous.

Torture porn, I believe they call it.

I don't much care for that.

It's not scary, it's rather sick.

But I digress.

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