The Last Word Page #2

But hearing that laugh...

That was enough for me.

What about your daughter?

Hey, if you were

looking for somebody

to say something nice

about Harriet,

don't ask Elizabeth.

Trust me on that one.

Good luck.

You'll need it.

My name is Anne Sherman.

I'm calling from

the Bristol Gazette.

I'd like to talk to you

about Harriet Lauler.

"If I want your opinion,

I will give it to you,"

that's what she told me.

So you know Harriet how?

I was her gynecologist.

So how did you become

Harriet's hairdresser?

She walked in the door

and said, "Cut my hair."

Okay...

And I was like,

"I'm actually cutting somebody

else's hair right now."

And she asked

the woman to leave.

I'm calling

from the Bristol Gazette.

I'd like to talk to you

about Harriet Lauler.

Hello?

I learned a long time ago

if you don't have anything

nice to say about someone,

say nothing at all.

She insisted

on examining herself.

Her diagnosis, always correct.

I had to give her

her co-pay back.

Just a, uh,

hateful, hateful woman.

I hated her.

I hated her so much.

So much.

What do you think of Harriet?

I've worked very hard in

therapy not to think of her.

If there's just one thing

you could say

about her that's nice.

One thing nice.

If she were dead, that would be nice.

How's that?

She's like a human black cloud.

Angriest vagina

this side of China.

"Give me the wafer this way."

"Hand me the wine that way."

"That wine is horrible."

Like, nothing?

Zippo.

I don't...

So this is what you wrote.

It's a first draft.

No. This is a

first paragraph.

It's succinct.

It's one paragraph.

It's to the point

and I think that's good.

No, it's the life of a loser.

I wouldn't say that.

This is the life of a nobody.

I definitely wouldn't say that.

Then what would you say?

Because you certainly

have not captured

an impressive life,

an important life.

I did my best.

That is really unfortunate

for both of us.

Well, I didn't have

a lot to work with.

No, you had my life

to work with.

And I did the best

that I could with it.

Huh.

How grossly I overestimated

your talent as a writer.

With all due respect...

Oh, now you respect me.

I was not really sure of that.

The problem

isn't with my writing.

What is the problem?

It's the subject.

You are the problem.

Excuse me?

You are the problem.

What? How dare you?

No, I... I'm sorry.

How dare you?

No one, and I mean nobody,

had one nice thing

to say about you.

No colleagues, no friends.

Certainly no family.

What did you just say?

I said certainly no family.

Hmm.

Get out of my house.

I'm just... I'm just

being honest with you.

You expected these people

to sing your praises?

I mean, you're way off.

Get out of my house!

Now!

B*tch!

Harriet, what are you...

What are you doing here?

I do not wish to be

sodomized in the hallway.

Do you know what time it is?

Sit down, please.

We need to talk.

What is this sh*t?

These are obituaries

from newspapers

all over the country.

I want you to read them

and see what other

obituary writers are doing.

Wow, I'm sorry you

don't like what I wrote,

but that's... That was just

me writing about your life.

But my life is not over. Yet.

Now, I have determined

there are four

essential elements

to a really great obituary.

Is that right?

That's right.

One, the deceased should

be loved by their families.

Right.

Two, the deceased should be

admired by their coworkers.

I... I know.

Three, the deceased must have

touched someone's

life unexpectedly.

And if said person was

a minority or a cripple,

so much the better.

Okay, and the fourth?

And the fourth,

that's the wild card.

I do not know

what my wild card is.

Wild card?

Yes, a statement of

such breadth and wonder

that it's the opening

line of the obituary.

For example,

"A noted lover of arts,

"Bonnie Lee Johnson

passed away today."

Right, right.

"A three-time state

ballroom dancing champion,

"Lou Mendoza

died last night."

Okay, I have a question.

Yes.

Well, four to be exact.

Four?

Oh. Four. Mmm. Family?

My child and I have not had

any contact for several decades.

My colleagues,

as you have discovered,

are not exactly beating down

my door to sing my praises.

I don't know any

crippled black kids.

And four, I have no idea

what the wild card would be.

Those are the questions.

Yes. And you're going to

help me find the answers.

Uh, you don't say.

Oh, yes.

You're going to help

shape a legacy

instead of just transcribing it.

I bet you have not been

offered that very often.

To write a story

before it's over.

That's what I've been talking

about, Anne. Yeah.

So you're going to change

your life, like, right now?

Exactly.

Do you find any problem

in procuring me

a disadvantaged youth to mold?

Oh, um, Home Depot is probably

getting another

shipment in soon.

The shelves will be stocked.

Sarcasm, the wit of the witless.

Condescension,

the repartee of the rude.

Sorry. Sh*t. Sorry.

No, no. Never apologize

for speaking your mind.

Thanks for coming.

B-2.

I'm going to find the

woman that I spoke to.

Wanda? Hey.

Walking.

Harriet, this is...

This is Wanda Barnes.

She runs the program

for at-risk kids.

Hello, Wanda. Who runs the

program for at-risk visitors?

Ms. Lauler, no need to worry.

This is a safe space.

I'm very reassured.

Thank you.

I know the children,

especially the girls,

would greatly enjoy it

if you would come in

and speak with them.

You want Harriet to speak

with a group

of at-risk children?

I think the kids would love it.

Or, I'm just throwing

this out there,

she could write you

a big, fat check.

Am I supposed to talk

to your boss yet again?

I'm... I'm just saying that

money makes a difference.

Am I right, Wanda?

Well, certainly...

A woman who wrote a check

to a small community center

died last night, Harriet Lauler,

leaving behind a legacy

of unfulfilled goals

and half measures.

Can I circle back

on that big, fat check?

So I hear you kids are at risk.

All kids are at risk, you know.

Show me a kid who is not at risk

and I'll show you a kid

who will be a nobody.

Taking risks is what

life is all about.

I took a risk. I went to college.

And in my day,

no man wanted to marry

a woman who was educated.

No man wanted to marry

a woman who worked.

No man wanted a woman

that he worked for.

But my favorite was

no one wanted to marry

a woman in business.

But those were the risks

I was willing to take.

Why? Why did you

take those risks?

Because there was no way

I was not going to

live up to my potential.

So you have to ask

yourselves this question,

are you willing to take a risk

to do something stupid?

Or are you willing

to take a risk

at doing something great?

WOW.

I think you gave those girls

something to think about.

Seem to be quite skilled

at selling Pablum

to a bunch of pre-teen punks.

Great, Pablum.

But you know that

speech is not enough.

We have to come back

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