The Late Shift

( people chattering )

( man chuckling )

Uh, jeez, how late

is Fotomat open?

( all laughing )

( Howard )

I do want to thank you all for your patience.

We are now obviously

ready to go.

I'm Howard Stringer,

and as president

of C.B.S. Entertainment,

it is my singular pleasure,

and a great moment for us

to be able to bring

this great star to C.B.S.:

David Letterman.

( people applauding )

I never dated Amy Fisher.

I... I... I... I fixed her car,

I helped her

with her homework,

and, that's all.

All right, thank you.

All right,

I'll take some questions,

and then, uh, Colin Powell

will be in here

and update you

on the bombing.

( all laughing )

I do want to thank C.B.S.

for their... for their support,

and... and, of course,

for their generosity.

I mean, wow,

this is a deal that would

put a smile on

Jack Benny's face,

and that's in the condition

he's in right now.

( all laughing )

Does G.E. make

the best managers for a television network?

( coughing )

( all laughing )

What was the question?

Oh, yeah. No, you know,

I don't know about that,

but they make

a darn fine toaster oven.

( all laughing )

Come on, Paul,

we got... we got to do a show.

Dave, I have a terrible case

of the hiccups.

Oh, really? You tried

holding your breath?

Everything.

( hiccupping )

I got an idea. Hold on.

What are you doing?

Here just put that

on your head there,

( hiccupping )

and breathe... breathe normally there, Paul.

Ok.

I'm breathin'.

How is that?

You, uh, feel any better?

( hiccupping )

Oh, gosh.

( hiccupping )

Sorry...

Must have been

something I ate.

IT'S BLOODY MARVELOUS.

( announcer on T.V. )

The Tonight Show.

Johnny's guest host

tonight is Jay Leno.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jay Leno!

( band playing on T.V. )

Thank you.

Wonderful, wonderful.

That's nice to hear.

Now, did you all

see the paper?

There's a survey that says

you're safer,

and now this is true,

you're safer on an airplane

than you are in

your own bathroom.

Do you believe that?

I mean, do you... do you think

that's true? I don't know.

I've never slipped

on the toilet seat and fallen 35,000 feet.

( both laughing )

You know, I mean, I never

adjusted the shower rod

and had a fireball come out

and incinerate me.

So you can't imagine...

SO, WHY CAN'T WE JUS THROW MONEY AT ONE OF THEM?

WHAT SORT OF OFFER

DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

LATE NIGHT'S MAKING

$70 MILLION A YEAR FOR N.B.C.

WHERE'S OUR BLOODY PIECE?

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN

MR. SAJAK.

OH, CHRIST,

WHAT A DISASTER.

HE'S GOT A LOCK ON EVERY

BLUE-HAIRED OLD BIDDY

WHO EVER WATCHED

WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY STATIONS

ARE CANCELING HIM FOR ARSENIO?

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE

CANCELING HIM BEFORE WE CAN.

LOOK AT THESE:

F***ING NUMBERS

WHEN LENO FILLS IN

FOR CARSON.

AND LETTERMAN.

N.B.C. HAS HIM SIGNED

THROUGH '93.

WELL...

WHAT ABOUT LENO?

N.B.C. ONLY HAS A ONE-YEAR

HOLDING DEAL WITH JAY.

THAT'S NOTHING.

HE COULD BE RIPE.

SO LET'S STEAL HIM.

I MEAN, WE CAN GIVE HIM A SHOW

NOW FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.

I'LL PUSH SAJAK OVER A CLIFF

IF WE COULD GET LENO.

THEY MIGHT FIGHT FOR HIM.

LET THEM.

THEY CAN'T FIGHT EQUALLY

FOR LENO AND LETTERMAN.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA

OFFER THEM BOTH:

CARSON'S SPO WHEN HE RETIRES.

THIS IS THE BES OPPORTUNITY WE'VE EVER HAD

TO BREAK N.B.C.'S

STRANGLEHOLD ON LATE NIGHT.

OK, HOWARD.

LET'S GO STIR SOMETHING UP.

And, you know,

we can knock it out in one fell swoop.

Oh!

OH! WHOA! WHOA!

BOUNCY UP HERE.

( glass shattering )

WE GOT TO DO:

A COMMERCIAL HERE, BOYS AND GIRLS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH MORE SANDRA BERNHARD.

( audience applauding )

( band playing )

I'M HAVIN' A BLAST,

THANKS FOR HAVING ME

BACK ON, DAVE.

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT DO YOU WANT,

THE NUMBER OF MY THERAPIST?

YOU SHOULD BE THRILLED

WITH YOUR LIFE.

THERE YOU GO.

IT WASN'T THAT BAD, DAVE.

OK, WE HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE,

BUT SANDRA WAS GOOD

AND YOU WERE GOOD WITH HER.

NO, I SUCKED, MORTY.

AND THE WHOLE SHOW SUCKED

BECAUSE I SUCKED.

I DON'T... I DON'T BELONG

IN NETWORK TELEVISION.

I BELONG IN THE MUNCIE,

DRIVING GRAVEL.

YOU GOT GREAT LAUGHS.

OH, BULLSHIT. IF THAT AUDIENCE

WERE ANY DEADER,

THERE'D BE GUYS IN LAB COATS

GOING THROUGH:

HARVESTING ORGANS.

THOSE DORKS AT N.B.C.

PROBABLY STEERED UP THE CROWD

WAITING IN LINE FOR

DONAHUE BY MISTAKE.

IT'S THEIR WAY

OF SENDING A MESSAGE.

WHAT MESSAGE?

THE MESSAGE.

LIKE GIVING JAY THE JOB

AS PERMANEN GUEST HOST FOR JOHNNY.

THEY DIDN'T DO

THAT TO MESS WITH YOU.

THEY DO EVERYTHING

TO MESS WITH ME.

LIKE RENTING OUT OUR

STUDIO IN THE MORNING TO MAURY POVICH.

LAURIE, I NEED SOME COFFEE.

GREAT SHOW.

YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

WH-WH-WHEN ARE... WHEN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO REHEARSE?

SHOULD I MOVE MY

CAMERA AROUND:

SOME BALD WOMEN WITH

EATING DISORDERS?

WE WON'T LE THAT HAPPEN, DAVE. WE'LL DO SOMETHING.

GOSH, MORTY, I KNOW,

WE COULD BOYCOTT THE SHOW.

THEY'LL PROBABLY USE THA AS AN EXCUSE TO FIRE ME.

OH, COME ON, DAVE.

I F***ED UP NUMBER 6...

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

IT WAS THE ONLY DECENT JOKE

IN THE WHOLE F***ING SHOW...

IT WAS FUNNY.

IT WAS FUNNY, I WASN'T.

LET ME SEE THE TAPE.

WHY DON'T YOU

TAKE A BREATHER?

GIVE ME THE F***ING TAPE.

( sighing )

F***.

( David )

OH, MAN.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

JESUS, DO I SUCK!

OH, OH, THAT'S GOOD.

I SHOULD'VE JUMPED IN

RIGHT THERE!

( Helen )

LISTEN, YOU CHEAP, F***ING BASTARD,

IT'S ONE LOUSY TABLE,

$10,000.

THAT'S CHUMP CHANGE.

( man )

That's extortion, Helen.

WHAT? IT'S NOT EXTORTION,

IT'S CHARITY, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

IT'S FOR PEDIATRIC AIDS.

YOU SELFISH PRICK.

Don't flatter me.

SWEETIE.

Put me down for 2.

WHAT?

2 tables.

YOU ARE SUCH A MENSCH.

Helen, do you still love me?

( laughing )

YES, I STILL LOVE YOU.

SEE, THAT DIDN' HURT VERY BAD.

When are we gonna

have dinner, honey?

I... I GOTTA GO.

I GOTTA GO, JAY'S HERE. BYE.

( laughing )

HOW YOU DOIN'?

HERE'S YOUR TICKETS.

WHERE AM I GOING

THIS TIME?

COME,

I'LL WALK YOU TO THE CAR.

OK.

THAT'S MINE.

I GOT TO KNOW MY FUTURE.

I KNOW YOUR FUTURE,

FOLLOW ME.

YOU'RE PLAYING JOE LAFFS

IN GREEN BAY, FRIDAY.

THE N.B.C. AFFILIATE

IS W.L.U.K.

GOOD LUCK, HUH?

I'M GETTING YOU IN

JUST IN TIME TO DO THE NOON NEWS.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD,

I-I'M SURE THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE

WATCHIN' THE NOON NEWS

IN GREEN BAY.

THOSE LOCAL STATIONS ARE GONNA

GET YOU THE TONIGHT SHOW.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

LOOK AT THIS.

NOT ANOTHER:

GODDAMN MOTORCYCLE,

I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

HELEN, HELEN, HOLD ON.

TAKE A SECOND.

LOOK AT THIS MOTORCYCLE.

"TO J.L.

CRANK IT ON UP AND RIDE OVER

TO C.B.S. FOREVER."

IT'S A RARE BIKE.

ANY IDEA WHAT THIS

COST THEM?

NO, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT COST,

BUT I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

HI.

HELLO.

TABLE FOR 2?

PLEASE.

ARE YOU SURE:

THIS IS THE PLACE

FOR A GOOD:

CORNED BEEF SANDWICH?

YEAH.

SHE WANTED DISCREET.

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY

FROM N.B.C. WILL BE DROP...

OH, JESUS.

WHAT?

ARNIE KLEINER FROM PARAMOUN JUST WALKED IN

WITH SOME OTHER GUY.

WILL THEY KNOW HELEN?

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