The Libertine Page #6

be available to gentlemen for...

..strapping around the middle

for the execution of this scene?

l had not envisaged you to be so encumbered.

l feel the scene should be given ...in the flesh.

And will we give...two performances on the day?

No, Mr Harris.

Oh, l am glad to hear that from the author.

With the dress rehearsal, the court performance

and the public showing, l envisage three.

Right. l don 't know if you've met

my regular understudy, Mr Lightman .

He's a most dependable fellow.

Sir, you have the honour

of playing my understudy.

Well, l shall take this opportunity

to withdraw from the engagement.

You are one of life's understudies!

lf tonight goes wrong,

we'll be at war within a week.

Have faith.

Whatever else may go wrong,

your words will command admiration .

They always do.

Lizzie. You're looking pale.

Molly, work the magic of your art on Mrs Barry.

There's the French ambassador.

No. Makes me weepy.

All you ladies of Merrie England

who have been to kiss the duchess's hand

Pray did you lately observe in the show

A noble ltalian called Signor Dildo?

l weep, but from a different end.

Who helped to conduct her over the Main

But now she cries out, ''To the Duke l will go''

''l have no more need for Signor Dildo!''

The good Lady Southesk broke into a laugh

Very good, this ltalian workmanship.

People pay more for quality.

The fops were undone,

did their graces but know

The discretion and vigour of Signor Dildo

l'd like to meet the man who wrote this.

Then away with these nasty devices and show

How you rate the just merits of Signor Dildo

Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo

Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo

Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo

Thus in the zenith of my lust l reign .

l eat to swive and swive to eat again .

Let other monarchs who their sceptres bear

to keep their subjects less in love than fear

be slaves to crowns

My nation shall be free.

My pintle only shall my sceptre be.

My laws shall act more pleasure than command

and with my prick, l'll govern all the land.

Chas, tell me this ain 't happening.

He's gonna get his prick out any second.

l can feel it in my water.

lt's very amusing, because in France

he would be executed for this.

ROCHESTER:
The King commands all men

from humid c*nt to humane arsonist

Buggery we choose and buggery we'll allow

l do proclaim the manly arse so firm

shall be the sole recipient

of sperm !

CHARLES ll:

Lord Rochester, this portrayal of yours...

..would it be based on a particular monarch?

No, Your Highness.

My character is far too fantastic a creation

ever to have drawn breath.

Now resume your seat.

You're intruding on my stage.

No, you're intruding on mine.

l hand you a chance to show your shining talent

and what do you give me in return ?

A pornographic representation of a royal court

where the men deal only in buggery

and the women 's sole object of interest

is the dildo!

A monument to your reign .

Johnny!

Disappear? People don't disappear.

Monsieur Barrillon.

Your Majesty, it is with regret that l must

make my return to France tout de suite.

l hate racing.

The sport of kings? The sport of peasants!

Come on , Georgie. You like it when you win .

l must have seen the backside of 60 today.

l could have bought a horse.

Vanishing Spark. Why did you let me

bet on a horse called Vanishing Spark?

What the f***?

Johnny?

Gents

spare a drink for a couple of chums?

Where've you been ?

Our show was such a success in the capital,

we had to undertake

an extensive tour of the provinces.

Now, where's the f***ing drink?

Come on , Charlie, get out your winnings.

CHARLlE:
This is i gentlemen !

This is the residence of the whore

personally recommended by Mr Dryden himself,

who glories in the name of Molly Noakes

Well, what are we waiting for?

- Open up, keepers of the gate!

- Molly!

Molly!

- Molly...

- Molly!

- Gentlemen ?

ROCHESTER:
Where's Molly?

DOWNS:
We want Molly and we want her fast.

Young man , you are pissing on my top boots.

Yes, fellow.

But you are a whorehouse doorstep man

and we are the cream of the country.

l am Constable of the Watch.

Dryden can 't even write a shag map.

You , sir, are a rogue and a liar.

Murder!

Help!

Now, then , gentlemen ...

l do believe there's been

a small species of error.

We are Johnny! Johnny!

Johnny!

No!

Argh!

Argh!

My eyes!

Johnny, please...

Johnny!

l told you .

CHARLES ll:
lt's been six months

Where the f*** is he?

Find him

Your Majesty.

l find myself at the gates of death

almost blind and utterly lame

Scarce wih the reasonable hope

of ever seeing you again

Wih my sickness

i seems the world has turned hateful of me

But l will rise again to right this injustice

and take back your heart

The mercury cures the pox,

but it scrambles the mind.

Poses a problem for a gent, does it not?

The prick or the brain ?

Shh. Johnny, shush.

He's been seen in Cheapside,

accompanied by a serving man and a whore.

lf he's very drunk, he'll be no problem.

lf he's a bit drunk, be careful.

What if he's sober?

You've got the wrong man .

Ladies and gents!

Gather near !

Listen well.

For l got a doctor's cure to sell.

Mouth, stomach, knees and toes.

All be cured by Dr Bendo.

Little chicken.

Questurino!

Mayo.

ln honestus.

Gulpo.

Poofay.

ln flatuo. ln flatuo.

The French, Parliament, his syphilitic earlship.

l'm being pissed on

from half a dozen directions at once,

and it don 't accord with my majestic dignity.

We have three confirmed sightings.

Our sources are impeccable.

Take me to them. Now.

l've shut up shop for the day.

l had to turn 40 people away.

l think it mean work

cozening citizens of their money.

We made 80 today.

We are here for our recreation .

We're here cos

we can't show our faces.

Do you ever think...on our Lord Jesus Christ?

He was cast like me into the wilderness.

He was scorned and reviled.

He was betrayed by his followers.

l believe that in most respects,

his life was of a different character from yours.

He would have brought Billy Downs

back from death.

Ach, these are wandering thoughts.

Leave me.

Go!

Johnny!

Johnny!

Argh ! Johnny!

Leave him alone!

On your knees.

l'm not impressed.

lt has taken you six months to find me.

You think in six months l've given you

more than five minutes' thought?

Those Parliament bastards

are trying to shaft me again

wih the new bill to exclude my successors

Subtle.

lnstead of chopping kings' heads off,

you pick and choose the ones you want.

That's my civil war. Not you .

Mr Etherege is packing out the Dorset Gardens

with you as the greatest spark on Earth.

The East End is throwing down its purse

for you to be a quack doctor.

And the town has you branded as a coward

who leaves his friend to die in a brawl.

All men would be cowards...

if they only had the courage.

The boy died and you ran off.

l have to go too far, do you see?

l must always exceed

or l do not feel like l'm alive.

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