The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp Page #15

Organisation, general staff,

offices, general headquarters -

that's what we want and, by Gad, we'll get them!

- Do you hear, Angela?

- Yes, sir.

Give me one year. Six months.

I'll show 'em.

- Take the afternoon off.

- Thank you, sir.

- Club, 7:
30.

- Very good, sir.

Point to the throat, my boy.

Gentlemen, this is der Tag, what?

The most vital and comprehensive exercise

in which the Home Guard have taken part.

Defence of London.

We've trained for it, we can tackle it.

- We'll put up a good show, eh?

- We will, sir.

We'll show these youngsters

there's life in the old dog yet.

Gentlemen, war starts at midnight.

Five minutes easy, Sergeant.

Foxtrot on jukebox

Tea for two.

No.9, doctor's favourite.

- Got to go in a minute.

- Why?

- Got a job on.

- Oh, you would have.

Come and have a look.

- See that?

- What, those trucks?

- My private army.

- Well, what about it?

Remember what you told me last night...

amongst other things?

Yes, and I wish I hadn't told you.

Why do you think I wanted the lowdown

on Sugar Candy's movements?

Why did you? What's the mystery?

- We're off to see him.

- Who?

- The wizard.

- What for?

Because of the wonderful things he does,

ta-ra da da-da da da-da!

- Shut up, Spud. What do you mean?

- We're going to teach him total war.

- How?

- Capture him.

War starts at midnight,

but we'll bag him hours before that.

- Nazi methods, you know.

- You're not a Nazi.

- We're not training to fight Englishmen.

- You can't!

- Watch me.

- I won't let you. He's a dear old man.

So will I be when I'm over 1 00. Ah, tea.

But, Spud, how can you do it?

I know what it would mean to him.

Within an hour, the Wizard

will be the captive of my bow and spear,

not to mention the toughest troops

between here and New Zealand. Drink up.

Spud, I gave you the information

and it's mean to take advantage of it!

Don't be a sissy. In war, anything goes!

Oh, no, you don't.

Here, stop that.

(Music stops)

Oh, darling.

WAlTRESS:
He's dead! Oh, Mr...Mr Marshall!

Spud!

Swing band

- Spud.

- Come on, sir, what happened?

- She got me.

- Who?

Mata Hari. Come on, quick.

Oh, no.

- Any luck?

- Not a hope. She's halfway to London by now.

She's gone to warn the Wizard.

Get my tin hat. Get after her, quick!

- Who's going to pay for the tea?

- The Sergeants' Mess.

- Yes.

- Oh!

Mr Marshall!

(Tyres screech)

- It's impossible.

- Get him on the phone.

- But, miss...

- Oh, go on, man.

Very good.

SERGEANT:
Come on, Section.

SOLDlER:
Yes, sir.

His driver wishes to speak

to General Wynne-Candy. Yes, it's...

SPUD:
Is General Wynne-Candy here?

- No, sir.

- (Whispers) Get General Wynne-Candy.

PORTER:
He left an hour ago.

SPUD:
Where was he going?

- What is your business with him?

SPUD:
I have a message for him.

- Give it to me. I'll see he gets it.

- Damn it, man.

SPUD:
Are you a Home Guard?

PORTER:
Why, sir?

SPUD:
The password is Veuve Clicquot 1 91 1.

PORTER:
The General and his staff

are in the Turkish baths.

(Blows whistle) Hawkins, you're in charge.

SPUD:
Don't leave your desk. You're a prisoner.

PORTER:
War doesnt start till midnight.

SPUD:
That's what you think.

SPUD:
Sergeant, that girl under there.

She's a prisoner too.

SPUD:
All right, boys, this is it.

Brute force and ruddy ignorance.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Well, warn him, then.

Can't you understand English? Tell him to hide.

Gentlemen, the war will soon be over.

We agree, it's very fine to win the last battle.

We much prefer to win the first.

You will be kept prisoner in this building till 6am.

ANGELA:
It's all right, sir, he's still there.

Hello, Clive.

Hello, Theo. I'm glad you've come.

I couldn't have stood anybody else.

Oh, that's all right.

- You've heard, I suppose.

- Yes.

Johnny told me.

And?

Well, I think it is a dirty trick, but...

I can't help finding it a bit funny too.

It is. That's the worst of it.

What do you think is going to happen now?

Officially, this fellow would be brought up

before a court of inquiry

and the exercise repeated some other time.

Will there be an inquiry, sir?

No, there won't. I'll see to that.

- Where is he now?

- Spud, sir?

He's with his men.

They're marching into London.

- Did you see them?

- Yes, we saw them

when we came across the Cromwell Road.

The whole army. With bands.

How did they look, eh?

- Well, Clive, I must say they...

- They looked OK.

Distant military band music

CANDY:
They cleaned up my place rather nicely.

ANGELA:
They built an emergency water tank

there too, sir.

I've been thinking this over all night.

I don't want to get this young fellow into trouble.

I think I'll invite him to dinner instead.

Wasn't I just as much of a young fool as he is?

- Of course I was.

- Yes.

But I wonder if he's going to be

such a grand old man as you are.

When I was a young chap I was all gas

and gaiters with no experience worth a damn.

Now, tons of experience

and nobody thinks I'm any use.

I remember when I got back from Berlin in '02.

Old Betteridge gave me the worst wigging

I ever had.

And then he invited me to dinner.

I didn't accept. Often wish I had.

Yes, I think I will invite him to dinner.

- And he'd better accept, you hear?

- Yes, sir.

- (Military band approaches)

- Here they come.

(Band stops playing)

(Marching feet)

BARBARA:
You'll stayjust as you are

till the floods come.

CANDY:
Till the floods come.

- And this is a lake.

- And this is a lake.

Now here is the lake and I still haven't changed.

Sir?

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