The Major and the Minor

---

Yes?

To see Mr Osborne,

from the Revigora System.

Hair treatment and scalp massage.

Apartment 11A.

- Where to, sister?

- Eleven.

Mr Osborne, maybe?

Scalp treatment.

What's that?

Nothing, just...

What do you mean, just...

Ain't it awful the way a fellow's scalp

dries out this time of year?

Eleven.

First door to your right. Mind your step.

I'm here for Mr Osborne.

Well, I'm Mr Osborne. Come right in.

You're new with the Revigora System,

aren't you?

I just started this morning.

Well, let me help you.

Oh, thank you.

The Revigora System is certainly picking up.

Gladys was an excellent operator, but

A little earnest looking,

if you know what I mean.

Well, where are we going

to have the treatment?

Oh, anywhere. Anywhere around here.

We can talk about that later.

Here, let me help you.

I was just making myself

a lonely cocktail over there,

but now it looks

as if a double-double might be indicated

as a tribute to Revigora's improved taste.

And what might your name be, my dear?

Applegate.

- Just Applegate? Nothing in front?

- Miss.

Well, Miss, you make yourself comfortable.

You know what I always say

no matter what the weather is?

I say, "Why don't you get out of that wet coat

and into a dry martini?"

Dry martini, wet coat.

Are you sure you want your treatment here?

Oh, yes, anywhere.

Don't keep harping so on the treatment.

I'd offer you a whiskey sour,

but that would mean thinking up a new joke.

Oh, dear. Well, I really have

a very lonely time here Wednesday evenings.

That's when my wife goes to her drill,

you know. Air raid precautions.

She keeps telling me

we're going to get into this war.

Know what I told the Mayor?

I said, "My only regret is

that I have but one wife to give...

"I have but one wife to give to my country."

"Wife" instead of "life", you know?

Well, I really am a very lonely man.

My only son far away at school.

Not reform school,

although perhaps it should be.

What are you doing?

Really, Miss Applegate,

you shouldn't be so businesslike.

First, we're going to have

a little drinkey-poo, then a little bitey-poo,

then a little rhumba-poo.

You're going to have

a little scalp massagey-poo.

Oh, no, this is not the night

for a scalp massage,

and you're not the girl to give it.

Now, you know, we could make

beautiful music together, we two.

- About this tempo?

- Ow! That hurts.

Hard bristles.

I'm disappointed in you, Miss Applegate.

Gladys never used the hard bristles.

That's why you're losing so much hair.

I am not!

Bad case of dandruff, too.

I have not!

What are you doing now?

You're going to get an egg shampoo.

I am not!

My first night off,

and here I sit with egg on my head.

What are you going to do, scramble it?

Rather have an omelette?

Well, since you're going to be

so conscientious...

But after this is over, we will have a little fun,

won't we? Just a little?

I can't help it. It's the vibrator.

Just look, honey...

Maybe you'd rather have it here.

Oh, really, Miss Applegate,

I don't know how much influence

I have with your employers,

but I've been their good customer for quite

a number of years and so has my wife,

and I may have to report this.

- That would mean...

- Yes, I know what that means. The boot.

And when you're making your squawk,

you can tell them

to pick this up with the rest of their junk.

What's all the excitement?

No excitement. I'm just bored.

Bored?

I take a two-weeks course, learn all

about hair and the circulation of the blood.

I have to hock my things to join the union,

and what do I get?

An invitation to slip out of my wet coat,

into a dry martini.

Well, by George, I think I will.

- Well, now, that's the spirit, Miss Applegate...

- Never mind, Mr Osborne. I'm through.

After one year and 25 jobs in New York,

Susan Applegate is signing off.

Signing off and going right back

where she came from.

Did you ever hear of Stevenson, lowa?

No, you haven't, Mr Osborne. Dull.

People there just walk around on two feet,

and cars have only four wheels,

and the grass is just plain green.

Who wants that? Who wants a fellow

by the name of Will Duffy,

who runs a feed-and-grain store?

Why not look around?

Well, I came and I looked around,

from every angle,

from the bargain basement to the Ritz Tower.

I got myself stared at,

glanced over, passed by,

slapped around, brushed off,

cuddled up against.

But, Mr Osborne, in all that wrestling match,

there's one thing they didn't get out of me,

not out of Sue Applegate.

So you've got your self-respect,

but self-respect isn't everything.

Self-respect? Here's what I mean.

Sealed up in this envelope

from the first day I came, $27.50.

Oh, whatever for?

My fare back home.

And if I've missed the train tonight,

I'll take the one tomorrow.

Fine, that's more like it.

You can miss the train tonight

and take the one tomorrow.

Just a minute, Mr Osborne,

there's another egg in my case.

Back to Stevenson. You know,

two feet, four wheels, green grass.

I only hope

that Will Duffy's still waiting for me,

the plain, honest, slow-witted lug.

You've got your car fare,

but you'll need something for incidentals.

No incidentals, Mr Osborne.

Going down!

Well, had a nice time, did you?

Just keen.

You know, come Christmas,

maybe I'll buy myself a scalp massage.

Same treatment?

You bet!

Well, why wait till Christmas?

First floor.

Attention, please.

North Shore Limited

from Chicago and Detroit now arriving.

One day, coach, Stevenson, lowa,

on the 5:
55.

Unless you've got something sooner.

- You change at Chicago.

- With pleasure.

And now for the gala opening.

$27.50, on the nose.

$32.50.

$27.50. I know.

I'm sorry, lady. $32.50.

Do you want the ticket or not?

Listen, if it's $27.50

from Stevenson to New York,

don't tell me it's $32.50

from New York to Stevenson.

It doesn't make sense.

They boosted the rate, lady, last February.

They did?

Well, that's a fine thing

for a big railroad to do!

Get you to come here for $27.50,

and then when you want to go back,

raise the ante.

Okay, if that's the way railroads behave,

I'll take a bus.

Good idea, only the bus lines are on strike.

Don't you ever read a paper?

- Is this going on all day?

- Oh, just a minute.

This is serious.

Haven't you anything cheaper?

- I'd just as soon go in the baggage coach.

- Sorry. Next.

Well, how far will this take me?

About to Cedar Rapids.

And what would I do in Cedar Rapids?

I'm going to miss my train.

Honest, miss, come back

when there's a letdown.

Oh.

The limited for Indianapolis.

One ticket for me and two half-fares.

Both children under 12?

- Tell him how old you are, Margie.

- Nine.

- Now you, Wilbur.

- No!

Wilbur, tell the man how old you are.

I will not! Nobody can make me squeal.

I'm a Korn Krinkles secret operator.

Oh, Wilbur.

He's eight.

One lower, and Wilbur insists on an upper.

He wants to play Tarzan.

Attention, please.

Upstate specials...

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