The Man Without a Face

'It was a good dream - my best one.'

'Everything was perfect.'

'My mother was proud of her son's wings.'

'My half-sister, Meg, lost her braces.'

'My other half-sister, Gloria, had realised my intellectual superiority'

..And was quietly respectful to me.'

'My step-fathers were slaves, captured in battle.'

'And, there was a Wac by my side.'

'Not too bright, not too loud. Hugely attractive.'

'It's a good dream.'

'A John Wayne meets Hugh Hefner philosophy...

..if you consider Hef a philosopher, or John Wayne.'

'But whatever the dream, there's always a face that I can't see...

..that I keep missing, out there beyond the edge of the crowd.'

"This is WJB Boston."

"It's 70 degrees on the first day of summer, 1968...

..a good day to be born a woman..."

"# If you are born a woman..."

Turn it up, I love this song!

It's too loud already.

Turn it up!

Turn it down, Meg.

I like this song, Gloria.

White-trash music.

It's good!

Mother, will you reason with her?

Mother, I was listening to that!

Don't whine. It's so unattractive.

It was wearing down the battery.

No, it wasn't. Batteries can run for hours like that.

Thank you, Charles.

What an engineer(!) I thought airplanes were your forte.

Was I talking to you?

This is our pilot, Charles Norstadt.

Yeah, was he talking to you? Come on, Gloria, spare us.

'It was a good dream.'

Did you see that? They ate right out of my hand!

Chuck? Wake up!

What?

You're doing that thing again.

What thing?

You get that look on your face.

Where do you go when you do that? He came this close to my eyes.

Hi.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Are you married?

He's really shy.

You're nuts.

I'm just trying to help Mother.

She doesn't need help.

Marriage is her hobby, like bridge or dog-breeding.

I wanna be sure the next guy's nice. More like my dad than Gloria's.

Or mine.

I didn't say that.

Doesn't matter. I won't be here much longer.

How? You flunked.

I can take the exam again.

What's so funny?

I didn't say anything. Anyway, she'll never let you go.

Look.

Mother, I'm trying to read.

Oh, come on!

Oh!

Isn't it clever?

What is this?

Mom?

Mother?

What is it, Charles?

I wanna retake the exam.

You've had your chance, Charles.

I can retake it at the end of August.

I don't want you at boarding school.

It's my dad's school.

That'll convince her(!)

Shut up!

I don't want you at a military academy.

They're fascist and unnatural.

Well, there's no risk letting him take the exam.

Can you see him cramming Latin and geometry at the cottage?

Look, I'm already studying! Mother?

All right, Charles.

If you wanna give up your whole vacation, you can try again.

No, not the whole summer.

You know it takes you longer than other children.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You're stupid, you're stupid, you're stupid!

Now you're slow!

You know you're Goober Pyle!

Down, boy! Lie down!

I'm, er...

I'm so...sorry.

This tyre's been vandalised.

What?

Yeah. Look.

Half a dozen deliberate punctures.

Oh, my God! Who would do something like that? That's crazy!

Oh! My God! Come here!

What?

Isn't that Hamburger-Head? You know, McLeod?

I thought he never left his dungeon.

Don't stare. We're not at a circus.

'"Will I actually commit the crime? That is for the coin to decide."'

"Which face will it show? The whole, or the ruined?"

"The coin has decided. And so, Two-Face must strike...

"as the bells of Gotham City ring out into the murky night."

Charles! Lunch!

Oh, no! Here she comes. Better get you out of here, Mac.

Shut up.

Charles, what are you doing?

I'm studying.

You're not gonna get lunch in bed. Come on!

Charles!

What?

I told you I don't want that rabid beast in the house.

I keep Mac outside.

I am in earnest, young man.

That cat is so disgusting.

That's enough, Gloria.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to study.

If you need any help...

Hey, Chad! What's that kid's...? Chuck! Have you seen Gloria?

Er, yeah. She went off with some guy in a Mustang.

What guy?

I don't know.

Who's the guy?

I dunno. Just...some guy.

When?

Just now.

Chuck! Wait up!

Jeez!

Chuck, I said wait up!

What are you, my shadow?

Don't compensate by using me as an emotional punching bag.

You're too young to talk like that.

Gloria's right. You'll never pass it on your own.

- Shut up!

- Why don't you let me tutor you?

- You're ten years old!

- So? You know I'm smart enough.

You're a genius. A fender-face genius!

And you're a jerk! I hope you fail and have to live with us forever!

What are you gonna do, ask Gloria for help?

Don't be such a boy!

Hey, Norstadt!

You're still a virgin!

Catching up on a little reading?

School's over, you know, wing-nut.

Thanks for the newsflash, brillo-head.

Shut up!

What's goin' on, guys?

Pearson's got his old man's boat.

- Where are you gonna swim?

- Freak beach. You want in?

- You up to it?

- Let's go.

- Sure.

- What are you waitin' for?

- Come on.

Can I come?

No flat chicks allowed!

Shut up, you sexist pig!

- Whoa, bra-burner!

- Trainer bra-burner!

The only bra you'll ever see is your momma's!

What a stupid world.

We could divide all chickdom into Ginger and Mary-Anne...

but why not let visitors onto this island paradise?

Guest stars. Top of the list, Agent 99.

- Agent 99 sucks.

- Bewitched would be good.

- Bewitched is married.

- So?

- He'd probably do it with Mrs Howell.

- You guys ever seen the Freak?

- McLeod? He won't let you see him.

- I saw him.

- Oh, screw you!

I saw him on the ferry!

Why would Hamburger-Head go on the boat?

He travelled below. The Hound from Hell was with him.

His wolf?

The Freak was this close to me.

Why would the Freak go to Boston?

Mafia meeting, probably.

Porno. He writes porno books.

Get outta here!

He gets parcels from porn publishers.

How's a freak gonna write porno?

What would he write about?

I don't know. Maybe his dog!

Wait. Did you hear that?

What?

Listen... What was that?

I'm scared.

Shut up, don't let him see you.

Ow, my finger!

Shut up, man!

- Wait up, guys!

- Come on!

Start the motor! Come on!

Boy, was that close! Jeez! Was that a wolf?

Did you see the Freak up there, man?

He was scared of the wolf. He was pissin' in his pants!

We gotta go back!

I left my books there! Come on! I left my books!

We gotta go back!

Tell the school the dog ate 'em.

What subject was it, Latin? Screw-us you-us!

See ya later, pizza-head!

If he's a cannibal, I'll just tell him I have bone cancer.

'I don't know what to do when he gets that stupid look on his face.'

'What do you see in the ink blot, Charles?'

'What do you think I mean by "passive aggressive"?'

'He's his father's son all right.'

'Eric was my third husband and my one real mistake.'

'That's very funny, Charles. What do you really see?'

'You don't care about anybody but yourself.'

'What do you see in the ink blot, Charles?'

John Wayne.

What are you doing here?

What's wrong with you? You got any idea how long you been here?

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