The Marrying Kind

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I'm telling you no.

Talk it over inside.

Come on, break it up now.

If I have anymore trouble up there,

I'll bust somebody in the head!

...why he gets to see the kids every week!

You big liar!

Now the point we're making...

You know, Counselor, there's an old saying:

"There are three sides to every story:

"Yours, his, and the truth. "

Mr. Keefer here said nothing but that, truth.

As he sees it.

Never saw a case yet

where the fault was all one side.

So let's try to compromise.

Your Honor, my client is convinced

there's no hope.

You see, what we're dealing with here

isn't a sick marriage, it's a dead one.

What am I, the undertaker?

- Now on Page 9 of the second deposition...

- 6:
00.

6:
00, gentlemen. Awful lot to cover still.

- I suggest we resume 9:00 a. m.

- Okay with me.

- Why 9:
00 a. m.?

- We have no choice.

Mrs. Keefer, could I have a word with you?

- Sure.

- And you, too, Mr. Keefer.

- Over here.

- Me?

You'll excuse us, please, the rest of you?

Well, I don't do this very often.

- Once in a while.

- Okay to smoke in here?

Well, I suppose it is now.

- Go ahead, Mrs. Keefer.

- She doesn't smoke.

I gave it up.

You agree with your Mr. Jenner,

about this marriage is dead?

I think so.

What about you?

I don't know what I think by now.

How did you two happen to meet?

- What's the difference?

- Wasn't anything special.

We just...

We happened to...

- Just a pickup.

- It was not!

Okay, it was not.

- Where?

- Central Park.

That's right, Central Park.

It was one summer,

and I had this friend George Bastian...

and we had a habit

of every Saturday afternoon...

sometimes Sundays,

to go over in the park and horse around.

Play a game of ball,

get a rowboat, pitch pennies.

But this one day, we happened

to be walking along having a discussion...

and we were figuring this idea

back and forth...

about the post office, see,

where both of us worked.

And we were real engrossed,

like you get on scientific subjects.

The next thing you know, two girls

come walking right through between us.

So we looked them over, and George says,

"Bet you $1 they look back. "

So I said, "Bet!"

- So, sure enough, they looked back!

- We did not!

I remember paying him $1!

Then George gets this idea

to cut around this other path...

and run, see, very fast up

and around past them.

I didn't want to do it, but he drags me,

practically, over a hill there.

I don't go in for that kind of kid stuff,

but George, that's how he is.

I couldn't talk him out of it,

and I couldn't hold him back.

So, on the other side, sure enough,

there they were, giving us the eye.

And we come right through between them.

But we kept right on walking.

We never looked back at all.

It so happens I remember it different.

That's how it was.

Then George says to do it again.

So we go racing around, and by this time

we figured they must have been going crazy.

We just sort of kidded them along

as if we knew them.

As if we weren't wise

to the whole gag all along!

- And again we didn't look back.

- We neither.

But by this time, I got a good look at them

and they looked nice...

you know, regular,

not just a couple of ordinary girls.

I don't remember exactly

what happened next.

But next thing you know,

we're all standing around talking.

Then George,

right away with the address book.

That's the kind of a guy he was.

And I said to him, "Put it away. "

But no, he keeps trying to date them up.

That George, he has no resistance.

So then we started going around together,

the four of us, two couples.

I remember once

we drove out to Long Island...

to this drive-in movie place.

Around about now

we got to be pretty friendly with each other.

We tried switching dates

on different nights...

but the way it seemed to jell was

George with Marian and Florence with me.

I remember I drove out, but he drove back.

To tell you the truth,

that was the way I had it figured.

I used to enjoy telling her

all my troubles at the post office.

And it was right there, that night,

in Florence's hallway...

the subject came up.

The subject about getting married, I mean.

- I didn't bring it, she brought it.

- How?

By you saying:

"How come a fellow like you

isn't even married?"

"What are you waiting for,

the boss's daughter?"

I remember laughing, 'cause I thought

it was pretty cute at the time.

But anyways,

we got talking about it pretty serious...

and I started in explaining something

about my theory I had at that time.

My theory was, I didn't want to get married.

I didn't have anything against it,

but it was no good for me at that time, see?

I'd just gotten into the Civil Service then

making $2,300, so how could I get married?

The next thing I know,

I'm in Atlantic City on a honeymoon. Mine!

I kept thinking down there,

all the time to myself:

"What are you doing down here?

You can't afford it. "

It so happens

the whole honeymoon was a wedding gift...

of my sister Joan and her husband,

Howard L. Shipley.

That's what I'm saying, I couldn't afford it.

He could afford to give it,

but I couldn't afford to take it.

So then, by luck, we get

this apartment in Peter Cooper Village...

So then, by luck, we get

this apartment in Peter Cooper Village...

and we started up in housekeeping.

Wasn't much keeping to do,

one table and one chair.

There were three chairs

and quite a lot of furniture.

In fact, the bedroom was nearly completed.

Not that we ever used it much,

with his crazy job and the crazy hours.

Wouldn't exactly call

the Post Office Department crazy.

I remember the first morning at 5:45...

- Ringing.

- What?

It's ringing.

I just shut it off.

- Well, I hear it.

- I just shut it off.

What time is it?

Go to sleep, honey.

Gotta get up.

No, you don't.

- Gotta.

- Why?

I wanna be a good wife.

You can be a good wife later,

when I come home.

- Breakfast?

- I'll grab something. Automat.

You think so?

But look, you don't want to sleep too late...

'cause isn't this the day

they're coming over?

- Who over?

- The luncheon.

- Joan and your mother and my sister?

- Holy smoke, I think so.

- So get up sometime, huh, baby?

- That's right.

Get up sometime, but not 6:00.

Well, look who's here!

Hey, what do you know!

Why, you don't look more

than 10 years older!

Hey, look at the potbelly already!

I told you to watch out

for that home cooking.

Nothing so disgusting

as good, plain, home cooking.

Okay!

Oh, I wish I was single again

I wish I was single again

For when I was single,

my pockets would jingle

I wish I was single again

I married a wife, oh then

A guy gets married,

all his friends turn comedians.

- What is that?

- Hey, touchy, too!

Naturally, from all that loving,

honoring and obeying.

We heard that old saying about:

"Two can live as cheap as one,"

providing one don't eat.

All right, come on, fellows!

- Come on.

- Let's do it.

All kidding aside,

we got a little thing here for you.

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