The Marrying Man

I can't believe it. I'm married

six years and I'm still happy.

You're lucky. I think

Louise is cheating on me.

We're not cheating.

We're just good friends.

- Look, he's worried.

- He's joking!

Wait a minute.

Pull the cab over.

- This ain't the address.

- Be quiet!

Sammy! Tony!

Who's that singing?

- Sounds like Vicki.

- That is Vicki.

We'll get off here, cabbie.

George, pay the man.

- What!

- $1.80.

$ 1.80?

Your meter broken?

Fellas.

- It's her.

- Would you look at that?

It's her.

Here in your arms

I'm wealthy tonight

When youth has its fling

Love is the thing

While lovers fight for power

We can...

Walk among the flowers

They were the unhappiest

couple I ever knew.

And the happiest.

I thought the third time

they would have made it.

Love for you and me

Vicki and Charley.

Now there's a story.

I never told you this?

I'm sure I told you.

I'm gonna tell you the story,

and you're gonna think I'm making it up.

But I swear this is

exactly how it happened.

It all started on a warm

June night, 1948.

My friend, Charley Pearl, had

just announced his engagement...

to the daughter of the most

important producer in Hollywood.

Now, for a struggling

comic like myself...

this was a rare chance to get into

a big-time Hollywood mansion...

for which I otherwise

would've had no chance at all.

For Charley it was the beginning

of the biggest roller coaster ride...

in the history

of modern romance.

Adele Horner was

a new type dame for Charley.

She had class, education.

Nice girl.

You're the only woman

in the world for me, Adele.

In the whole world?

In as many worlds as they got.

But me and the guys couldn't get

over Charley getting married.

Here he is,

a good-looking guy...

with millions coming in from

the family toothpaste business.

To small-time

bachelors like us...

Charley Pearl was a god.

Five feet from

where we're sitting...

there are three directors

I would sell my mother to meet.

- You sold your mother last year.

- They returned her.

Don't ever be funnier

than me, sweetheart.

He's not in love with her.

I'll tell you that.

How do you know?

Well, he might love her.

But he's not hot for her.

So the hors d'oeuvres are hot.

Isn't that enough?

Why's he marrying her?

It's not as ifhe needs money.

She doesn't need his,

so I trust her.

For Charley that's

a hard thing to find.

Charley, let's not get

married unless it's forever.

I'm spoiled rotten.

And I wouldn't know how

to handle disappointment.

Every woman

I have ever been with...

has made her living

from disappointments.

I need somebody good and

solid to keep me in check.

I'll hold you to that, Charley.

I'll never let you out

of my sight.

Bite my mouth.

Go on.

Bite it hard.

No, Charley.

I don't want to hurt you.

You don't get it, Adele.

I like it when it hurts.

Ahem.

I'm sorry to intrude.

But your father...

would like a few moments

with Mr. Pearl.

Don't look so worried.

He already said yes.

He's been known

to change his mind.

It's too late.

I already made up mine.

Sit down, Charley.

Thank you, sir.

- Cigar?

- No, thank you.

- Brandy?

- Not for me.

Is it true you don't

smoke or drink?

Stains the teeth.

That's what my father taught me.

Makes you look impressive.

That's what my father taught me.

No vices at all, Charley?

Oh sure. All the ones

that don't stain the teeth.

Well, you got nice teeth.

How would you

characterize yourself?

As a playboy?

I prefer the word

"sportsman."

You don't give a damn

about impressing me...

- do you, Charley?

- I'm trying like hell to make

a good impression on you.

But you know

everything about me.

I spotted those two

private detectives...

you've had tailing me

for the last month.

Sure I play the horses,

bet on football, baseball...

anything that moves or rolls.

I've been out with every starlet

from Paramount to Warner Brothers...

and I've had

a dandy time doing it.

But, that was

before I met Adele.

Is it having 30 million dollars

that makes you so cocky?

No, I don't think I'm cocky.

A little stupid, sometimes.

No, I don't think you are.

Fact is, I don't know

what the hell you are.

Why did you pick Adele?

There's a thousand better

looking women you could have

by just snapping your finger.

I don't think you appreciate

your own daughter's qualities.

She's got style.

She's got class.

Adele is a thoroughbred.

That's something I know about.

We're not trading

horses here, Charley.

We're talking about my one

and only daughter, Adele.

Now what is it you really want?

To produce movies?

Produce movies?

No, I'd miss too

many ball games.

We've talked about

everything except hard work.

Exactly how much schooling

have you had?

I went to a few Harvard

and Yale football games.

Look, let's face it.

I'm not ambitious.

I don't have to be.

You know, my mother walked

out on us when I was three.

Never saw her again.

So my old man

gave me everything...

except the mother

I didn't have.

I love that old guy.

I'm gonna pay him back...

by settling down.

My father made me rich.

Now I want to make him happy.

You're good, Charley.

You use charm...

like a dealer uses

a fresh deck.

There isn't an

ambitious writer...

actor or director out there...

who wouldn't sell

his soul to marry Adele.

But you present

a problem to me...

because you're lazy

and you're independent.

How am I going to

control you, Charley?

You can't.

But Adele, she can

make me do handstands.

There are two things in this

world that matter to me.

My daughter and my studio.

You hurt my studio

and I kill you.

You hurt my daughter...

and you'll pray

for me to kill you.

Don't give it a thought, sir.

I'm not a praying man.

Okay, two days later

we were headed for what was then...

just a little dusty town

called Las Vegas.

We were throwing Charley

a bachelor party.

A three-day orgy at the

Pick-A-Daisy Ranch...

where all the Daisys

wore D-cups.

"She loves me, she loves me not"

was the house game.

By the time Charley

went on his honeymoon...

we'd have Adele carrying

him across the threshold.

Did I tell you clowns Esther

Williams likes one of my songs?

Hey, that's terrific!

- MGM wants her to sing it

in her next picture.

- Where, underwater?

Shut up, you.

What song?

D Haven't we met before

Haven't we met before dd

Wait a minute. That's my song.

You promised that to me.

So now I promised MGM.

Since when does friendship

come before career?

You little sh*t. In two years

I'll be MGM's hottest star.

Esther Williams will do a

backstroke in my bathtub to

get me in one ofher pictures.

And you will kiss my ass

before I do one of your songs.

I'll kiss it now.

I'm not proud. Bend over.

You can't do no Esther Williams

picture. You can't swim.

- How do you know?

- You never go near the water

because you wear the toupee.

I wear a toupee, you fuckhead?

You know, I love this guy.

- He manages the worst

baseball team in the minors.

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