The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected)

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1

Eliza?

[Eliza] I'm thinking

about being vegetarian again.

- Eliza.

- Do you realize eating meat

is worse than driving an SUV

for a year?

- Eliza, am I fitting?

- [Horn honks]

- I'm parking, a**hole!

- [Horn honks]

- I can't believe that's true.

- It's true, dad.

I'll send you the podcast.

- I don't think I'm fitting.

- I'm telling you,

it's a big thing we can do

for the environment.

Let's look it up.

But not while I'm pulling this maneuver.

- It's too small a space.

- Sh*t.

[Horns honking]

What?

Put the mets game on.

I splurged and got the satellite.

- ["Head to toe" playing on radio]

- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Nice, turn it up.

[Eliza's father] head to toe

I know

Today started with a crazy kiss

On our way home

I put this on a tape for you

when you were, like, 12.

Cool.

Sh*t! Was that a spot?

- Yeah, he's taking it.

- How did I miss that?

- F***ing sh*t!

- Just go around.

We've been around.

I'm gonna go further east.

How did I do this wrong?

- It's okay, dad. We'll just garage it.

- Know how much it is to garage it here?

If we garage it, you can't go to college.

- I'll pay half.

- I'm not taking your money.

What's the matter with me?

I'm usually very good at this.

- It's okay.

- I'm an extremely good Parker.

I know.

Now, I'm getting gun-shy.

I'm overthinking it.

- Dad...

- it's hot.

- Wait until we're stopped!

- It's interfering with my mobility.

- Let me help you.

- These the people who were behind us?

- I don't know.

- Keep the jacket right-side up.

My wallet's in there.

- This song is distracting.

- It's too good.

Yeah, it is too good.

There's so much construction

in Manhattan.

They're just endlessly building.

I used to go dancing around here

at danceteria, me and your uncle Matthew.

- Now it's all banks.

- You guys went dancing together?

We went together,

we didn't dance together.

For a short time in the '80s,

we hung out.

I had moves, I'm telling you.

Is this a museum now?

Everything's glass.

Do you like the photographer

Cindy sherman?

Marcus and I went to

the Cindy sherman show at moma last week.

Yes, I like Cindy sherman.

What?

I told you about Cindy sherman

two years ago.

I don't remember.

I did, and you had absolutely no interest.

I don't know.

When Marcus tells you,

suddenly you listen?

I'm telling you,

I got good recommendations.

I mean, I have a few years on you.

- Was that a spot? What did the sign say?

- [Horn honking]

I'm trying to see.

- Quick, Eliza!

- I find parking signs confusing.

- What's today?

- This a**hole's on my tail.

- It was a good space.

- Can I back up?

- I don't think so.

- Sh*t, he's on my tail.

- I got to go around?

- We should really just garage it.

- Son of a b*tch!

- Dad, stop yelling in the car!

He cannot hear you, okay?

Only I can hear you.

Because it's "nobody can f***ing drive

day!" Hey! Shut the f*** up!

Yoo-hoo. Hello!

The outer door was ajar,

and the button on the foyer door

was unlocked and pushed in.

- Something smells weird.

- [Dog barks]

- Oh, wow! Hello! Hi!

- Down, Bruno! Bruno, down!

- Whose dog is this?

- Bruno!

Maureen and I bought him

from a very elegant apricot poodle farm

near the country house.

Dad, the outer door was left open,

and someone pressed the button in

on the foyer door.

Maureen is always doing something.

Maureen!

- You got to be more careful.

- Maureen!

Brune! Maureen!

This house isn't very big, but she never

seems to be able to hear me. Maureen!

- This isn't the country.

- What?

- Did you leave the front door open?

- For the con ed guy!

- That was three days ago.

- Sorry we're late.

We had to garage the car.

Dad had to sell me into child slavery

to pay for it.

- That's basically right.

- Did you try east?

- Twice.

- We did.

Bruno! He does this elegant pirouette.

Dad... what happened to your face?

Did you get into a fight?

I was walking Bruno in the country

when he lunged for a feral hare

in the brush, and I tumbled forward.

Sh*t. Did you see a doctor?

I'm fine. My joke is,

"you should see the other dog."

Good one, grandpa.

Maureen won't even

walk that path anymore.

- She was mauled by a buck.

- A buck in the berkshires?

A male deer.

- Really?

- Maybe it was a big dog or a small boy.

In her indomitable way,

she survived with just a nasty raspberry

on her knee, but her wallet was gone.

- The mets have relinquished the lead.

- Sh*t.

- Your sister's here.

- They were tied when we were in the car.

I could tell dad wanted to say hi

to you guys by himself.

- When did you get here?

- A couple hours ago.

- Thanks for showing up late.

- Oh, let's...

I made cookies, but I stepped in dog sh*t.

I like your sweater.

Oh, thanks. I like your pin.

- Are you excited for college tomorrow?

- Yeah, I really can't wait.

Dad keeps saying

he wishes he hadn't retired now

so that you could take his class.

I couldn't make sculptures.

It's too intimidating.

She's very excited,

which I'm trying not to take personally.

I'm bad with transitions.

You don't leave the house.

There are no transitions.

Maureen is plastered.

Maureen, everyone's here! Come down!

Maureen's making shark.

- I don't think I've ever had shark before.

- Maureen's a real gourmand.

- You're in for a treat.

- She's been sober for six weeks.

Oh, okay.

I told her,

"I don't like you when you drink."

She becomes a different person.

I made her a deal. I said,

"if you stop drinking, we'll get a dog."

[Tapping]

This is very handsome shellfish, Maureen.

The dad says

you're gonna study film at college.

Yeah.

Seems to be what everybody's

doing these days.

I think the dad hoped that you might

follow in his footsteps

and take sculpture.

Well, I think it's good

that she's doing her own thing.

Since Clarence had a stroke and I retired,

the art department at bard

has really suffered.

She's quite a good editor.

So, now we have a sculptor

and a filmmaker in the family.

And a musician.

And an accountant,

which sounds uninteresting,

but Matthew's the only one in the family

who's figured out how to make money.

Sign of the times.

We're supposed to say

"business manager."

I thought we would've had

more artists in the family.

- What about dad?

- I'm artistic.

Matthew showed interest in fine art

and Danny had musical talent,

but Matthew was also talented musically

and a wonderful mimic.

Jean, you showed interest in photography.

At montessori, yeah.

In my office at xerox,

I'm known as the resident auteur.

I make funny movies.

- For my coworkers' birthdays.

- They're really good.

We have no idea what Jean does at xerox.

- I'm a facilities manager for special...

- When was the last job you had, Danny?

- Those piano lessons.

- Except for the piano lessons?

And there was that gig

at beefsteak Charlie's.

I haven't worked in...

- Since Eliza was born.

- Danny was a house husband.

But now with the separation,

he's gonna have to get a job.

You can't take alimony. That's not right.

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