The Mortician

Yo, y'all remember that nigga

Daniel from 16th Street?

- Yeah.

- F***ing tough-ass nigga Daniel, yo.

That's my f***ing word.

I see that nigga in jail, right?

Within a f***ing week they had the nigga

wearing a f***ing wedding dress.

I'm serious...

and carrying a f***ing Bible.

I thought... that's my f***ing word.

I swear to f***ing God.

Like they f***ing beat

his ass down mad f***ing...

F***ing cocksucker-ass nigga.

So anyways, like I was telling you, right?

That's my word.

I f***ing slapped

that nigga's f***ing face.

No.

Move it, before the flies

lay eggs.

What the f*** are you

looking at, boy?

Worse than my damn kids.

Man, that's f***ed up.

Just shut up and pick 'em up,

sugar britches.

B*tch.

Motherf***er.

Why don't you turn up

the frost?

They be getting hot back there.

Y'all cool now?

F***ing chillin', yeah.

...to endorse the emergency

bailout of Goldberg, Lesser

is claiming the Federal Bank

itself is on the verge of bankruptcy.

F*** the banks, man.

G-man needs to give a serious

cash injection to this shithole.

That's what... that's what the f***

needs to happen.

It's all about keeping

these monkeys in the zoo.

As long as their sh*t

doesn't spill over

in their fancy backyards,

they could give a f***.

Yeah, they pay us dumbasses

to clean up the f***ing mess.

Damn right, brother.

And be thankful for the work.

Thankful my ass.

Make way for the man, fellows.

He got work to do.

- Mm-hmm.

- We've been keeping him busy.

Sh*t. Yeah.

Listen, my friend,

I'll be seeing you later.

Yeah.

F***ing p*ssy.

See how he ran in there?

Shitting his pants.

City mayor slashed

the law enforcement budget

in the metropolitan area by 60%

as a last-ditch attempt

to stave off

bankruptcy procedures.

This follows the closing

of an additional six

inner-city schools

and the Greenborough

Memorial Hospital.

Help! Help!

Oh hey, brother.

How's your day?

Fine.

I've got three

in the back, execution,

covered with some

pretty nasty sh*t.

Where's your porter?

Gone.

Jesus.

Where's the gurney?

Not here, please.

It was a pleasure, as always.

He gives me

the f***ing creeps, man.

He's a weird motherf***er, man.

You think he talks

to the stiffs?

He's beautiful again.

It's as if he's reborn.

Thank you.

You have no conception of

how reconciled you've made me.

Shut the f*** up,

you little bastard!

Don't talk to him like that!

Then make him f***ing stop!

Give him to me.

Give him to me.

He's your son!

She always had class.

She was a proud,

discrete woman.

She would do anything for you.

I tried to take care

of you myself,

but the state intervened.

She would do anything for you.

What the f***

did you say to me?

I do trust

you'll enjoy your time here.

Yeah, excuse the stench.

We do everything we can here,

but summer's upon us.

Hi.

Well,

this fabulous young man

is Noah.

He's your replacement porter.

He's been gifted to us

by the ever-so-well-meaning

offenders rehabilitation

service...

gang member,

multiple gun violations,

yada-yada-yada.

But due to his parole officer's

acute sense of irony,

he has to complete

his probation

wheeling in bodies

for your delectation.

Well, I guess you two

should get along fabulously.

You'll find a lab coat

in the locker room.

And please make sure

your hands are scrubbed.

A'ight, bro.

Please place that

in the garbage pail.

Please, could you stop that?

It disturbs me.

You need to relax, man.

So, yeah, what is it exactly

I gotta do around here?

When a delivery is made,

I would like for you

to bring the bodies

through here for processing.

I would also like for you

not to disrupt my

concentration as I work.

Now if there's nothing else,

please let me pass.

Oh, yes sir.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

You all right, bro?

She had to bring you up

on her own.

She would do anything for you.

I tried to take care

of you myself.

He's been crying all day.

Jesus, take care of him.

Can't you feed him something?

I ain't got nothing

to give him.

F***. Sh*t.

You go get some food.

You're the big man around here.

Hey, sweetie, come up.

Get out of that rain.

Come on.

Oh, honey, you're soaked.

Poor baby.

Let's get you

comfortable, honey.

Come on.

All right, honey,

just lay back.

Relax.

That's it.

Oh, honey,

you are always so cold.

You need some loving

to warm you up.

...$137 million

from the metro

public pension program.

This is the latest

in the series

of corruption scandals

that has plagued

the mayor's office.

The FBI...

Fasten your lab coat.

Yes sir, master sir.

I swear to God.

F*** this bullshit.

I'll cut the motherf***er up.

F***er! I'll f*** him up

for good this time, I swear.

How's about you keep your

eyes to yourself, man?

I mean there's a lot of sh*t

you don't need to know nothing about.

You feel me? So why don't you just

mind your own business?

Still locking that, huh?

You know anybody we want

in there, gets in there.

Say,

you seen a little kid

about yea high,

pretty like me?

No.

Are you sure about that?

- Yes.

- Yes, you've seen him?

Or yes, you're sure

you ain't seen him?

I haven't seen the boy.

Say you haven't.

Know this:

I've taken a liking

to that boy.

So if you come across him,

you're obliged to tell me.

You get me?

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Hey kid, wait.

Wait.

This place gives me

the creeps, man.

Yeah, well, you don't

have to work here.

This is f***ed up.

I'm telling you,

Carver ain't messing.

- He wants the kid bad.

- Well, he ain't here.

Yeah, well, he's bound to

wind up here sooner or later.

Yo, my man, you seen the kid

around here, man?

What's his f***ing problem?

The dude's straight up weird.

I want to come in.

It's not permitted.

Just let me in.

No, you're not allowed.

Please.

Why do you want

to come in here anyway?

Just let me in.

I can't let you in.

Well, then f*** you!

Go on, f*** off.

Hey, kid, you need

to calm down.

I hate you.

- You're late.

- Yeah, I know.

All right, man,

so I'm late. Whatever.

I had some personal sh*t

to take care of.

Delivery.

Porter?

Just get off me.

Porter.

The name's f***ing Noah,

man, all right?

- What was that all about?

- Mind your f***ing business.

You have another 13 minutes

to work before you go.

What are you talking about, man?

It's 6:
00.

You were 13 minutes late

this morning.

You need to make it up.

Man, f*** that.

Man, I'm gone.

If you do not make up the time,

it will go reported.

With who?

Don't push me.

Whatever it is,

it can wait till tomorrow.

I'm over overtime, dude.

I'm over and out.

Come on, dude, just give me

the money, will you?

Where the f*** are you at, boy?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, man.

Good morning, Noah.

Here's where my joyful colleague

conducts his cheery work.

Hey.

This is

Noah's parole officer Mr. Clinger.

I've got stuff to do.

So how's my boy getting on?

Behaving himself?

He's been satisfactory.

Really?

That's a surprise.

See, this brother here thinks

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