The Muppet Movie

- I'm Statler.

- I'm Waldorf.

We're here to heckle

The Muppet Movie.

That's straight ahead,

private screening room '' D.''

- Private screening?

- They're afraid to show it in public!

Look at this place.

What a dump!

Bunch of weirdos around here.

Look at 'em.

- Yes, I know you all want to--

- Lady, is this seat taken?

What-- Hey, you!

Bring that back!

I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny,

I won't be able to live with myself.

Well, then you'll have to get

another apartment, won't you?

I hear this movie is dynamite.

Get your fresh organic popcorn,

only a buck.

- Buy me some, please.

- Sure, Mama.

- Nothin's too good for my woman.

- Woman! Woman! Woman!

- I like the movie fine so far.

- It hasn't started yet.

That's what I like about it!

Do it!

Oh, hey, Mr. Defrog!

Is it okay for me and my boomerang fish

to be in your movie?

Hey!

I told you, Luke, not in the movie

or at the screening.

Hey, but watch.

Kermit, does this film have

socially redeeming value?

I certainly hope so, Sam.

Sorry about that.

- Kermie!

- Hi, Piggy.

I tried to save you a seat,

but somebody took it.

Hi, everybody, and welcome to

the first screening of The Muppet Movie.

But before we begin, I'd like to thank

everyone who contributed to this film...

starting with the little people,

from the hairdressers...

to special effects--

- That's enough of that, Harry!

- Blow it up! Blow it up!

To the costume designers,

to the prop makers--

Speeches are not necessary, dear.

Roll the film.

But I'd like

to thank everybody...

for all of their hard work

and patience--

Roll film! Roll film!

Roll film!

Excuse me.

Uncle Kermit, is this about how

the Muppets really got started?

Well, it's sort of

approximately how it happened.

Why are there so many

Songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side

Rainbows are visions

But only illusions

And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told

And some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong

Wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish

Would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star

Somebody thought of that

And someone believed it

Look what it's done so far

What's so amazing

That keeps us stargazing

And what do we think

we might see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

All of us under its spell

We know that it's probably

Magic

Have you been half asleep

And have you heard voices

I've heard them calling my name

Is this the sweet sound

That calls the young sailors

The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times

To ignore it

It's something

that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Help! Hello!

This is a serious call for help.

- Yeah?

- Someone help!

You with the banjo,

can you help me?

I have lost

my sense of direction.

Have you tried Hare Krishna?

No, I mean, I'm really lost!

One second.

Darn, I missed.

That's the first thing

to go on a frog, his tongue.

The tongue goes and you

can't catch flies.

I'm sorry about your tongue,

but I have to get out of this swamp.

- I have to catch a plane.

- With that tongue? No way.

- There's a boat dock just downstream.

- Thank you.

-Just watch out for the alligators.

- I will.

- Alligators?

- That's right.

- Did you say alligators?

- Read my lips-- alligators.

I'm not used to alligators

where I come from.

See, I'm an agent.

I winged in from Hollywood.

- Hollywood?

- That's right.

- Did you say Hollywood?

- Read my lips-- Hollywood.

You know-- Hollywood

The dream factory. The magic store.

Hey, don't you ever

go to the movies?

Sure, there's a double feature

in town every Saturday.

- Wait a minute.

- What?

There's an ad in here that you

should be very interested in.

Feast your eyes on that.

''World Wide Studios announces

open auditions for frogs...

wishing to become rich and famous.''

Thanks anyway, but I'm really

pretty happy where I am.

If I were you, I would give this

audition very careful consideration.

You've got talent, kid--

singin', tellin'jokes.

I mean, if you get your tongue fixed,

who knows?

You could make

millions of people happy.

Millions of people happy.

Millions!

If you ever come west...

to Hollywood, look me up--

Bernie, the agent.

Listen, Bernie the agent, why don't

you say hello to Arnie the alligator?

- What!

- Arnie!

- Arnie, wait a minute. Careful.

- Stay! Stay!

Arnie, leave him alone.

He's from Hollywood.

Hollywood. Gee.

Well, I'd miss

this old swamp, but...

millions of people happy.

What the--

Okay, you guys,

do what I tell you.

I don't know where your--

Don't step on that asphalt!

We gotta get this--

Off the asphalt!

I told you, stay off the asphalt!

Hey, look at him.

- What are those big legs?

- Hey, you on the bike!

Watch out! Watch out!

Oh, my gosh!

That's pretty dangerous, building a road

in the middle of the street.

I mean, if frogs couldn't hop,

I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

''The El Sleezo Cafe.''

Foreign food.

Doesn't smell promising,

but...

a frog's gotta eat.

Wow.

Rough place, huh?

That the toughest, meanest, filthiest

pest hole on the face of the Earth!

- Why not complain to the owner?

- I am the owner.

Watch out. Hot plates

comin' through. Look out.

You got your french-fried

frog legs au gratin...

you got your frog legs almandine,

you got your frog legs stroganoff.

Everybody happy?

All right.

Hello, sailor.

Buy me a drink?

I'm not a sailor,

I'm a frog.

- Cut the small talk and buy me a drink.

- I don't even know you.

Hey, you makin'

a move on my girl?

- No, sir.

- He did too. He touched me.

Go wash!

You'll get warts.

- No, that's just a myth.

- Yeah, but she's my ''mith''!

No, no, myth, myth!

- Yes?

- What the hey?

Show time!

Show time at the El Sleezo.

And now, filling in for the vacationing

El Sleezo dancing girls...

the funny, furry, fabulous...

Fozzie Bear!

You're a great crowd!

Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Here I am, Fozzie Bear,

to tell you jokes both old and rare!

Get off the stage!

Let's start things off

with a bang!

Thank you, sir.

This guy's lost.

Maybe he should try

Hare Krishna.

Good grief.

It's a running gag.

There was this sailor

who was so fat--

How fat was he?

He was so fat

that everybody liked him...

and there was nothing

funny about him at all.

No problem!

Please!

Oh, please!

I'm trying so hard.

Please don't get mad.

I'm a professional.

I've had three performances.

- Curtain! Curtain!

- Do you know any dance routines?

What? Not really. Do you?

- Play something snappy.

- You got it.

- Now dance!

- What?

Dance!

It's too bad the dancing girls

are on vacation.

The crowd is getting ugly.

You think this crowd's ugly,

you should see the dancing girls!

Two, three, four.

- Two, three, kick!

- Kick. Yeah, sorry.

Comin' home!

Rate this script:3.3 / 3 votes