The Music Man Page #2

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You can have your fill of all the food you bring yourself

You really ought to give Iowa a try

Provided you are contrary

Good afternoon, Mayor Shinn.

Good afternoon, Mayor Shinn.

It is, if you wanna go 'round in your drawers all day.

...and there I was in Madison Hospital and nobody come to see me.

Cousin Will never come, and Aunt Bertha never come.

Aunt Bertha's dead.

Ah, she wouldn't have come anyway.

We can be cold as a falling thermometer in December

If you ask about our weather in July

And we're so by-God stubborn we can stand touchin' noses

For a week at a time and never see eye-to-eye

But we'll give you our shirt

And a back to go with it

If your crop should happen to die

So what the heck you're welcome glad to have you with us

Even though we may not ever mention it again

(CAMERA CLICKS)

You really ought to give Iowa

Hawkeye, Iowa, Dubuque, Des Moines, Davenport, Marshalltown,

Mason City, Keokuk, Ames, Clear Lake

Ought to give Iowa a try

You really ought to give Iowa a try.

GIRL:
It's not fair. She started it.

I'd like a room near a bath, please. Facing the back.

Gregory!

Marcellus!

Why, you old son of a gun!

Shh!

But, Greg...

Hill's the name.

Professor Harold Hill.

But Greg, what are you doing here?

Why didn't you let me know you was coming?

I didn't know I was myself.

Besides, how could I know you'd end up in a little tank town like this?

Well.

You were a pretty big slicker

when you were in business with me.

Too many close shaves hawking for you.

Besides, I got me a nice comfortable girl.

Ethel Toffelmier, my boss's niece.

Gone legitimate, huh?

I always knew you'd come to no good.

So, what's the new pitch?

Oh, you're not back in the band business!

I heard you was in steam automobiles.

I was.

What happened?

Somebody actually invented one.

No!

So, uh, give me the lowdown around here, Marce.

Oh, you'll never get anywhere in the band business with these stubborn Iowans, Greg.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Besides we got this stuck-up music teacher who'll expose you

before you get your grip unpacked.

Male or female?

The music teacher?

She's a librarian. Female.

Perfect!

That's what I wanted to hear.

If she passes by, point her out to me.

I will.

This your best room?

(CHUCKLES) Afraid so.

How you gonna start the pitch?

Same old way. Keep that music teacher off balance,

and my next step will be to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in.

River City isn't in any trouble.

Then I'll have to create some.

I've got to create a desperate need for a boys' band.

You remember. Now what's new around here, Marce?

What can I use?

MARCE:
Hmm, let's see.

Nothin'.

Except the billiard parlor's just put in a new pool table.

They never had a pool table here before?

No, only billiards.

That'll do.

I'll see you downstairs in a little while, Marce,

and you can show me around.

And don't forget, music teacher.

Music teacher.

(BELL DINGING)

(BILLIARD BALLS CRASHING)

Ha! There it is.

Remember.

Excuse me, sir. Is this your store?

Yep.

Well, either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge

or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster

indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.

Well, you got trouble my friend

Right here, I say trouble right here in River City

Why sure, I'm a billiard player certainly mighty proud to say

I'm always mighty proud to say it

I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden

Help you cultivate horse sense and a cool head and a keen eye

'J'ever take and try to give an iron-clad leave to yourself

From a three-rail billiard shot?

But just as I say it takes judgment, brains, and maturity

To score in a balkline game

I say that any boob can take 'n' shove a ball in a pocket

And I call that sloth the first big step

On the road to the depths of degrada...

I say first medicinal wine from a teaspoon

Then beer from a bottle

And the next thing you know your son is playin'

For money in a pinch-back suit

List'nin' to some big out-a-town Jasper

Hearin' him tell about horse race gamblin'

Not a wholesome trottin' race No!

But a race where they set down right on a horse!

Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy settin' on Dan Patch?

Make your blood boil? Well, I should say

Now friends lemme tell you what I mean

You got one, two, three, four, five, six

Pockets in a table! Pockets that mark the difference

Between a gentleman and the bum, with a capital B

And that rhymes with P and that stands for pool

And all week long your River City youth'll be frittern away

I say your young men'll be frittern

Frittern away their noon-time, suppertime, chore time, too

Get the ball in the pocket never mind gittin dandelions pulled

Or the screen door patched or the beefsteak pounded

Never mind pumpin' any water 'til your parents are caught

With the cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble

Oh, yes, you got lots and lots a' trouble

I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers shirt-tailed young-ones

Peekin' in the pool hall winda after school

You got trouble, folks right here in River City

Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P

And that stands for pool

Now, I know all you folks are the right kind a' parents

I'm gonna be perfectly frank

Would you like to know what kinda conversation

Goes on while they're loafin' around that hall?

They'll be tryin' out Bevo tryin' out Cubebs tryin' out Tailor-Mades

Like cigarette fiends!

And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen

One fine night

They leave the pool hall headin' for the dance at the armory

Libertine men and scarlet women and ragtime

Shameless music that'll grab your son your daughter with the arms

Of the jungle animal instinct mass'steria!

Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground Trouble!

Oh, we got trouble

Right here in River City!

Right here in River City!

With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool

That stands for pool

We surely got trouble

We surely got trouble

Right here in River City!

Right here!

Gotta figure out a way t'keep the young ones moral after school!

Our children's children gonna have trouble

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Mothers of River City, heed the warning before it's too late.

ALL:
(CHANTING REPEATEDLY) Trouble!

Watch for the telltale signs of corruption.

The moment your son leaves the house,

does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee?

Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?

A dime novel hidden in the corncrib?

Is he memorizing jokes out of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?

Are certain words creeping into his conversation?

Words like "swell" and "so is your old man."

Well, if so, my friends, you got trouble.

ALL:
Oh we got trouble

Right here in River City!

Right here in River City!

With a capital T and that rhymes with P

And that stands for pool

That stands for pool!

We surely got trouble!

We surely got trouble!

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