The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

Listen to me! Killing a few hostages

is not sufficient!

The Americans must be made to suffer.

We must humiliate them.

You do not go far enough,

General Amin.

We must strip their entrails out

and drag them to Damascus,

until they include us

in the peace process.

Nonsense! This solution

is not bold enough for Libya.

I say wipe out Washington

and New York.

What? And spoil

three years of good PR?

The Americans believe I'm a nice guy.

In some of their polls, I'm more

popular than their president!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

This is getting us nowhere.

If we do nothing else this week,

we must conceive

at least one terrorist act

that will show all the world

that the United States,

the great Satan,

is but a paper tiger - a weak nation,

a weak people,

a people ripe for destruction.

Cowards, no longer willing to fight.

I knew it!

Hey, who are you?

I'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin,

Police Squad.

And don't ever

let me catch you guys in America!

Watch out!

...98, 99, 100. It's all here.

This completes

our first shipment of heroin.

It better be - all 40 kilos.

The final shipment

will be delivered in three days.

- Then we'll expect payment.

- Don't worry.'

Police! Throw down your guns!

Kill him.

It's a great day for Americans.

This man alone...

There he is!

No flowers, thank you.

Welcome home, Frank. Good work

in Beirut. We heard about it.

Thanks. I want to know one thing -

is it true about Victoria?

I'm afraid so.

She ran off with some guy.

They got married last week.

Then it's over.

All of this is meaningless.

I did it for her. Everything.

And now she's gone.

And you came down here

to get a hot story, didn't you?

Pictures of me

to sell your newspapers.

- Frank...

- Sure, you think I'm a big hero.

Do any of you understand

how a man can hurt inside?

Frank, they're not here for you.

"Weird Al" Yankovic is on the plane.

What about the wedding?

What was she wearing?

Don't torture yourself!

Put her out of your mind.

I can't get her out of my mind.

What about the guy?

- Do you know anything about him?

- Not much.

Just that he's an Olympic gymnast

and it's the best sex she's ever had.

I trusted her and followed my heart.

Foolishly, it seems.

I'm just gonna have

to learn to forget.

That's why I took my vacation

in Beirut - to find some peace.

It won't be easy.

Everywhere I look,

something reminds me of her.

Maybe cops and women just don't mix.

What about Nordberg?

I came as soon as I heard.

He's alive, but on life support.

He's got a 50/50 chance of living,

though there's only

a 10% chance of that.

Mrs Nordberg, I think

we can save your husband's arm.

Where would you like it sent?

- Frank! I'm so glad you came!

- Wilma, I came as soon as I heard.

Thank you, Frank.

- Where's Nordberg?

- He's right here.

Nordberg, it's Frank, your buddy.

I'll get it!

Get the switch

at the back of the bed!

Nordberg, it's me, Frank.

Who did this to you?

I... love you.

I love you, too, Nordberg.

Who were they?

- Ship... Boat...

- That's right. A boat.

When you're better,

we'll go sailing together,

- just like last year.

- No... Drugs.

Nurse, give this man some drugs!

Can't you see he's in pain?

- Give him a shot, quickly!

- No...

Heroin! Heroin, Frank!

Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order.

Give me a couple of days

on that one.

Oh, my poor Nordberg!

He was such a good man, Frank.

He never wanted to hurt anyone.

Who would do such a thing?

It's hard to tell.

A gang of thugs, a blackmailer,

an angry husband, a gay lover...

Frank, get a hold of yourself!

A good cop - needlessly cut down

by some cowardly hoodlums.

- No way for a man to die.

- You're right, Ed.

A parachute not opening -

that's the way to die,

getting caught in a combine,

having your nuts bit off

by a Laplander.

That's the way I want to go.

Frank! This is terrible!

Don't worry, Wilma.

Your husband is gonna be all right.

Just think positive.

Never let a doubt enter your mind.

He's right, Wilma,

but don't wait till the last minute

to fill out those organ donor cards.

What I'm trying to say is,

as soon as Nordberg is better,

he's welcome back at Police Squad.

Unless he's a drooling vegetable,

but that's only common sense.

Do you know why Nordberg

was at the waterfront?

No...

But I found this at home in a drawer.

A photograph!

"I Luv You" out of Caracas.

A Panamanian ship.

When he said "I love you", he was

telling you the name of the ship!

I realise that... now.

- We'd better check this out.

- I want every available man on it.

I can't spare anybody.

We're in charge of security

for Queen Elizabeth's visit.

Wilma, whatever scum did this,

no man will rest until he's behind

bars. Let's grab a bite to eat.

Due to the extraordinary efforts

of some of our civic leaders,

Queen Elizabeth has included

the city of Los Angeles

as one of the cities she'll visit

during her American tour.

Will the city hire

additional security officers?

We have placed the Queen's security

in the hands of Police Squad,

a special division

of the Police Department,

represented here

by Lieutenant Frank Drebin.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Louder!

- You can use my radio mic.

- Thank you.

Thank you, Your Honour.

Protecting the Queen's safety

is a task that is gladly accepted

by Police Squad.

No matter how silly the idea

of having a queen might be to us,

as Americans we must be gracious

and considerate hosts.

Thank you, Lieutenant Drebin.

Of course, we all have a stake

in seeing that this portion

of the Queen's American tour

is completely protected.

And we can take pride

that the Queen...

Indeed, it is for all the people,

who will be able to share

in these... celebrations...

Especially exciting...

will be... the Queen's...

public appearances.

We also would like...

Ed and I drove to where Nordberg

had been found floating.

Without leads, you have to start

somewhere, and that was the harbour.

Please disperse. Please disperse.

There's nothing for you to see here.

Keep moving.

Where did they find him?

Out there.

Do you wanna take a dinghy?

No, I took care of that

at the press conference.

It doesn't make sense.

Good policeman, bright future...

then something like this happens.

He was found by the nightwatchman.

I'm gonna talk to the harbour-master.

I'll walk around and snoop.

- Yeah?

- Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.

I remember you. What do you want?

I wanna ask some questions.

Are you familiar with that face?

I don't know.

My memory ain't so great.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe this'll refresh your memory.

- Still hazy.

- How about this?

I remember. Why do you want to know?

- I can't tell you.

- Maybe this'll help.

- I don't think I should.

- Still don't think so?

- It's Nordberg, he's a cop.

- No, he was dealin' 'H'.

- What?

- He was dirty!

Scum! I ought to

run you in right now!

He worked at Ludwig's Shipping.

He tried to push something.

- What are you gonna do about it?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes