The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Page #2

- Why should I tell you?

- Maybe this'll help.

- I shouldn't tell you.

Can you spot me a 20? How about now?

I'm going down to Ludwig's office.

I'll find out

if you're telling the truth.

Vincent Ludwig owned one

of the city's largest corporations.

A respected business man

and civic leader,

he was to chair the Queen's reception

committee.

Now I was about to question him about

drugs and attempted murder.

- Mr Ludwig?

- Yes?

Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir.

Show him in.

- Lieutenant.

- The feeling is mutual.

Nice to meet you, too. Cuban?

No, Dutch-lrish.

My father was from Wales.

Sit down.

- What a magnificent office.

- Thank you, Lieutenant.

Most objects I have collected

over a period of many years -

my Gainsborough, Ming vases.

Priceless!

They are objects which I feel

reflect my personality,

like the Japanese fighting fish -

beautiful, graceful, elegant...

yet single-minded of purpose

and deadly when it finds

what it wants.

This particular one

is valued at over $20,000.

A luxury item, to be certain,

but I am a man who appreciates

the finer things in life.

Oh, this...

This is a rare Samurai pen,

a gift from Emperor Hirohito.

Unbreakable.

Impervious to everything but water.

- Its value is beyond estimation.

- That's fascinating.

But I'm sure you didn't pay this

visit for a lecture on fine art.

To what do I owe the honour?

I'm investigating the attempted

murder of a dock worker,

a man named Nordberg,

a police officer.

He is still alive, then?

He was shot six times.

Fortunately, the bullets missed

every vital organ.

- The salt water preserved him.

- So they...

So they got him

to the hospital in time?

He's in the intensive care ward

at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

This certainly comes

as a shock to me.

As you know, I'm not the kind of man

who takes such things lightly.

There is no room in my organisation

for criminal activity.

Look out there - a vast

commercial development built by me.

Do you have any idea what was

out there just five years ago?

You bet you do. Orange groves!

Acres of them.

As far as the eye could see.

But now that land will generate

ten times the amount of profit.

Are you all right, Lieutenant?

Let me get you some Kleenex.

Has this officer -

What's his name? Nordberg -

been able to tell you anything?

Well, he hasn't been able

to tell us a thing so far,

but as soon as

he regains consciousness,

we'll see if he

can still play the guitar.

- Pardon?

- I've taken up a lot of your time.

I'd like to look

at your employment records

and speak to someone in Personnel.

Of course.

- Dominique, send in Miss Spencer.

- Yes, sir.

I am quite busy making arrangements

for the royal visit,

but I will have my assistant

provide you with anything you need.

You've been very co-operative.

I'll note that in my report.

My pleasure.

Miss Spencer! This is

Lieutenant Drebin from Police Squad.

Hello... Mr Drebin.

Hello.

Oh!

Her hair was the colour

of gold in old paintings.

She had a full set of curves

and the kind of legs

you'd like to suck on for a day.

She gave me a look

I could feel in my hip pocket.

Yep, this was starting

to get interesting.

- Nice beaver.

- Thank you.

- I just had it stuffed.

- Let me help you with that.

This should be

what you're looking for -

the shipping and employment records

for Pier 32.

Thank you.

I've heard police work is dangerous.

Yes, that's why I carry a big gun.

Couldn't it go off accidentally?

I used to have that problem.

What did you do about it?

I just think about baseball.

That's a honey of an ankle-bracelet

you have there.

Did it slip down there again?

Yes, well...

I'll quickly go through these

and get them back to you tomorrow.

Fine, but there's no rush.

I mean, whenever you're through.

Thank you. I wish there was

some way I could repay you.

How about dinner? I know a place

that serves great Viking food.

It's tempting, but I'm afraid

I must rest this evening,

tomorrow being Arbor Day.

Of course. Perhaps some other time.

- How about a rain check?

- Let's just stick to dinner.

Thank you for your help,

Miss Spencer.

My pleasure.

- Well?

- Mr Ludwig, you startled me!

I'm sorry, my dear.

Did you give the lieutenant

what he wanted?

I gave him copies of the files

for Pier 32.

Good. That's good.

He is an intriguing fellow,

don't you think?

Well, I don't know.

I've only just met him.

He seems very nice.

Jane, I realise

this is an unusual request,

but if there is something illegal

going on in this company,

I need to know about it,

so we can root it out.

That's why I want you to...

well, to get to know Drebin

a little better,

find out what he knows.

Wouldn't this be best handled

by the police?

We are letting the police handle it,

my dear!

But we need to know

the facts quickly

before anything

gets into the newspapers.

Don't forget, I have a responsibility

to the stockholders.

Well... if you put it that way...

- Yes, I'll do my best.

- That's better.

I'm sure you will.

It was about 4pm

when I returned to Police Squad.

I wanted to see what the lab had

come up with on Nordberg's jacket,

the one they'd found on the docks.

You can tell a lot from fibre

samples if they aren't too wet.

I was hoping we wouldn't

come up dry.

Hey, look out!

Police! Halt!

Anybody catch the licence plate?

Anybody get a look at the driver?

Take the names of everybody here

for questioning.

I've got to get... inside.

Hi, Ed, Ted. You got

those fibre samples yet?

- We got some action here.

- What?

We're testing our anti-graffiti wall.

We've got customers.

It reacts when

the spray hits the sensors.

You've done it again - mazel tov!

Good work.

What will you think of next?

Now that you mention it,

here's something

we developed only yesterday.

To the casual observer -

an ordinary shoe.

But in actuality...

it makes a handy weapon.

And everything a cop would need.

We call it the Swiss Army Shoe.

- Great. And the fibre samples?

- Just one more thing.

See these cufflinks I'm wearing?

They're not just cufflinks. Each one

fires a single pin-sized dart,

that knocks out your victim

for a few minutes.

Let me demonstrate on Ed.

Ted! Why?

Don't worry.

He'll be up and around in no time.

- Why don't you take a pair?

- Actually, I could use another pair.

I think you'll like them.

- Want this, chief?

- Thank you, Al.

There's something

on the side of your mouth, Al.

No, no. The other side.

As you requested, we took some

fibre samples from Nordberg's jacket.

I'm afraid it doesn't look good.

- What do you mean?

- Take a look for yourself.

- I can't see anything.

- Use your open eye, Frank.

Yeah, I can see it now.

At first, it appears

to be the normal cotton fibres.

But we discovered

a fine white powder.

Pure heroin.

How well do you know Nordberg?

We were partners for nine years

and he's my best friend.

We can't allow personal feelings

to get in the way.

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