The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Page #3

- Are you saying that Nordberg...?

- The Queen arrives in two days.

If the press should pick this up,

it could be embarrassing

for the police and the city.

I'm sorry, Frank. I'm giving you

- Mr Ludwig?

- Yes?

- A Mr Pahpshmir is here.

- Show him in.

Is there something wrong, Mr Ludwig?

No, it's nothing.

- Then may we get down to business?

- Certainly. Have a seat.

I can carry out your request.

- My price is $20 million.

- Your price is not a problem.

But there is concern

on the part of those I represent,

that you would be able to...

complete so difficult a task.

Tell me, Mr Pahpshmir,

in all the world,

who is the most effective assassin?

I would think anyone who manages to

conceal his identity as an assassin.

Yes, but there is

even a more ideal assassin.

One who doesn't know

he is an assassin.

- Care for some tea?

- Yes, please.

Dominique, service for two, please.

I must kill Pahpshmir.

- Cream and sugar, sir?

- Mr Pahpshmir?

Cream only, please.

- There's a gun on the floor, sir!

- Just leave it. It's all right.

- The tea, please.

- Of course, sir.

Mr Pahpshmir, have you ever seen

sensory-induced hypnosis?

I think I just have.

How will she get near the target?

Oh, I doubt whether it will be her.

Good secretaries

are so hard to find these days.

And it seems to me...

anyone... can be an assassin.

I had 24 hours to find

something to clear my friend's name.

I returned to the hospital

with Ludwig's records

to try to jog Nordberg's memory.

Doctor, I have the chart,

if you're ready to go over it.

I'll be with you

when I've finished with Mr Nordberg.

Yes, Doctor.

You'll be out of here

in a couple of...

- I'd like to see Officer Nordberg.

- Sign in, please.

Wait a minute!

Where's the police guard?

- Drebin called and sent him home.

- Drebin?

I must kill Nordberg.

I must kill Nordberg.

Drebin, Police Squad!

Let go of that pillow!

Medical emergency!

Drebin, Police Squad.

Follow that black car!

The car! Follow that car!

Stephanie, check your mirror. Signal.

Now pull into traffic.

Try and ease off on the brake.

- Give it a little gas.

- I know a short cut. Turn left here!

- There he is!

- Easy!

Turn right! Follow him!

It's OK.

Normally, you would not be going 65

down the wrong way

of a one-way street.

Apply the brakes.

Now put it in reverse.

- You dumb broad!

- Stephanie...

Gently extend your arm.

Extend your middle finger.

- Very good. Well done.

- There he is!

Go for it, Stephanie!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

All right, move on!

Nothing to see here!

Please disperse!

Nothing to see here. Please!

The attempt on Nordberg's

life left me shaken and disturbed.

The questions kept coming up

again and again,

like bubbles in a case of soda.

Who was this character

in the hospital?

Why was he trying to kill

Nordberg... and for whom?

Did Ludwig lie to me?

I didn't have any proof,

but somehow,

I didn't entirely trust him.

Why was the "I Luv You"

not listed in Ludwig's records?

If it was, did he know about it?

If he didn't, who did?

And where the hell was I?

It was almost midnight

when I got home.

I just wanted

to slip under my blankets,

but my night was

just about to begin.

You're late.

That depends on what I'm late for.

You said we should

have dinner some time.

Tonight became "some time".

I'm boiling a roast.

How hot and wet do you like it?

Very hot and awfully wet.

You seem to know your way

around a kitchen.

I'm just as handy

in other rooms of the house.

That shirt looks familiar.

It's yours. I didn't want

to get stained or wrinkled.

At least... not yet.

Do you mind if I slip

into something more comfortable?

There. That's better.

I hope you've brought your appetite.

I've brought everything.

Well, then, dig in.

Interesting. Almost as interesting

as the photographs I saw today.

I was young. I needed the work.

No, they were taken

at Ludwig's docks.

A ship came in, a Panamanian ship.

It wasn't on Ludwig's records.

Probably an oversight.

How is your... meat?

You be the judge of that.

Mmm...

I've got nine more.

- Have you seen that ship?

- I don't know.

It doesn't look like ours,

but we deal with so many ships.

Has Officer Nordberg

told you anything?

No, there's been another attempt

on his life. He's in a coma.

That's terrible!

This world is such a violent place.

If it wasn't, I'd be out of a job,

but I'd give it up tomorrow

to live in a world without crime.

That's beautiful.

This is all happening too fast.

- I've been hurt before.

- I'm sorry.

I'd known her for years.

We used to go to

all the police functions together.

How I loved her,

but she had her music.

I think she had her music.

She'd hang out with the

Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony.

I don't recall her playing

an instrument or being able to sing.

Yet she was on the road

I bought her a harp for Christmas.

She asked me what it was.

It's the same old story.

Boy finds girl.

Boy loses girl. Girl finds boy.

Boy forgets girl. Boy remembers girl.

Girl dies in a blimp accident

over the Orange Bowl

on New Year's Day.

- Goodyear?

- No, the worst.

Poor dear!

Now, now. I don't want to upset you.

Frank, it's not that.

Why did you have to be so wonderful?

- There's something I must tell you.

- No! No need to tell me anything.

What's in the past

doesn't matter anyway.

Maybe...

Maybe we're just two lonely souls

who have found each other.

Funny-face!

I want you to know...

I practise safe sex.

So do I.

I had a wonderful day, Frank. I can't

believe we just met yesterday.

You really mean that?

You're not just saying it,

because we exchanged bodily fluids?

No, I really mean it.

You're very special.

- Can I interest you in a nightcap?

- No, thanks, I don't wear them.

Actually, I'm on stake-out tonight.

I'll be thinking about you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

OK.

Good night!

The answer's up there

in Ludwig's office.

Call it what you will -

a hunch, women's intuition.

Ludwig knows more than he's saying.

A hunch won't stand up in court.

Where are your hard facts?

He's the only one except us

who knew Nordberg was still alive.

Next thing we know,

some thug tries to knock him off.

Maybe. But breaking into Ludwig's

office is taking a big chance.

I know. You take a chance

getting up in the morning,

crossing the street

or sticking your face in a fan.

There he is!

Just trust me on this, Ed.

I know I'm right.

OK, but be careful.

Get some sleep.

I'll see you in the morning.

Bingo!

"20,000,000 deposited,

Omani Bank, Zurich,

"upon proof of Queen's death."

Destroying property, arson...

sexual assault

with a concrete dildo?!

What the hell were you doing there?

I'm sorry about that, Your Honour,

but we believe Ludwig is involved

in a plot to assassinate the Queen.

That's ridiculous!

Where is this "evidence"?

Well... it... burned in the f-fire.

Gentlemen,

Vincent Ludwig is one of the most

respected members of this community.

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