The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Page #4

If we're very nice to him,

he will agree not to press charges.

- Your Honour!

- Did I make myself clear?

Yes, Your Honour. Good day.

Drebin!

I don't want any more trouble like

you had last year. That's my policy.

When I see five weirdos dressed

in togas stabbing a guy in a park,

I shoot the bastards.

That's my policy.

That was a Shakespeare in the Park

production of "Julius Caesar"!

- You killed five actors! Good ones.

- Your Honour...

Your presence at the Queen's

reception tonight is not necessary.

Is that understood?

We understand, Your Honour.

Thank you.

The plane has taxied to a stop.

Any minute now

we expect the doors to open

and we'll get a glimpse

of the Queen,

as she begins her first visit

to Los Angeles in five years.

It's a balmy, beautiful evening too.

She's going from here

to a formal reception...

- Jane!

- Frank!

I'm just making some dinner.

Are you hungry?

Maybe just a bite.

Ludwig wanted me to ask you

to meet him tonight.

There is something you should know.

I was in his place last night.

How nice! Did he show you his

Ming vases and rare oil paintings?

Jane, I think that he's involved

in a number of criminal activities.

Frank, stop it!

Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected,

generous, kind man.

- You don't know him like I do.

- How's that?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I'm sorry. I'm worried about you.

I don't trust him and I don't want

you mixed up in anything dangerous.

Are Woo back in business?

They closed down three years ago.

Gee, has it been that long? I don't

feel like Chinese tonight anyway.

It's sweet of you to be concerned,

but you're wrong about Vincent.

He's such a gentleman.

He's so generous.

He just wants to talk with you

to clear up any doubts

you might have.

- When?

- Tonight.

Meet him at the 7th Street

stockyards.

All right,

but promise you'll be careful.

Of course I will,

funny-face, for you.

I've got to go. See you tomorrow.

Are you sure you won't have

something to eat?

Ludwig?

- Drebin?

- Yeah, I'm Drebin.

I have a message for you

from Vincent Ludwig.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you!

Don't fire the gun

while you're talking.

All right, put your gun down

and your hands up!

Matthews, stake out that end,

and card-check for

anyone suspicious looking.

Frank, what are you doing here?

I've been trading shots

with one of Ludwig's goons.

They're planning

to do her tonight, here.

- We better be on the lookout.

- Excuse me, ma'am, security.

- What's the meaning of this?

- Relax! Nothing will happen.

- I didn't do anything.

- Yeah? What about this?

You think we were born yesterday?

You didn't do anything, huh?

I got rights!

Ed, he's got a picture of your wife!

Ethel!

All right,

anyone else here seeing his wife?

That's all right, Frank.

Let's get in the hall.

Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?

I'm so excited to be here.

I appreciate your inviting me.

Pleasure's all mine.

Perhaps afterwards we can...

- Drebin!

- Frank!

You're both right.

Surprised to see me, Mr Ludwig?

This is not the time

or place to talk.

It's way past the time we talked.

The gloves are off,

I'm playing hardball.

It's fourth and fifteen, and

you're looking at a full court press.

Mr Drebin!

If you have evidence, then use it.

If not, I am warning you -

get off my back!

Or it will cost you dearly.

- Frank, what's wrong?

- A lot of things, sweetie-pie.

A meeting that turned into

a peek-a-boo session with bullets,

set up by someone

who's been playing me like a violin.

Funny-face,

what are you talking about?

My stockyard meeting, butter-wings.

Don't you remember setting that up?

Mr Ludwig said you'd called it off!

Believe me!

Thumb me another one, shuckie-lumps!

Frank, it's the truth!

Cops and women don't mix.

Like eating a spoonful of Drano.

It'll clean you out,

but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Too bad, sugar-puff.

We could have been something.

I only did what I was told to do!

- Like make love to me?

- Frank!

That makes things easier, Princess.

To think I trusted you!

I made a big mistake.

- You can take this back.

- Whose is that?

Doesn't matter.

Take care of yourself, baby.

By the way...

I faked every orgasm.

Funny-face!

And to commemorate our friendship,

the city of Los Angeles is proud

to present to the Royal Family

this Revolutionary War musket,

donated by Mr Vincent Ludwig.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Her Royal Highness,

Queen Elizabeth II!

It's disgusting the way they splash

this stuff all over the newspapers!

What is journalism coming to?

You're laying on top of the Queen

with her legs wrapped around you

and they call that news!

They can't kick you off the Force,

it's not fair.

I know. Life isn't always fair.

Just think, the next time I shoot

someone, I could be arrested.

Hey, look at that!

The missing evidence in the Kilner

case! My God, he WAS innocent!

He went to the chair

two years ago, Frank.

Well... what's the use?

What good are these damn awards

and citations?

Frank...

Frank, that's not your desk!

Frank! I've been

looking all over for you!

Running another errand

for your boyfriend?

I tried to call last night.

I went by your place. Where were you?

I was out walking. All night.

Listen to me!

I have important information.

There was never anything

between Vincent and me.

- He likes East German men.

- What about you?

I like cops.

- All right! Yeah!

- Settle down. Take it easy.

- What've you got?

- I overheard Ludwig.

You were right. He is planning to

have someone assassinate the Queen!

- Where?

- At the baseball game.

The Queen will be there

as Ludwig's guest.

Is Ludwig going to shoot her

in front of 60,000 fans?

No, a player,

during the 7th inning stretch.

- It starts in 20 minutes.

- I'll go.

- I'll go with you.

- Stay with Ludwig

- to allay suspicion.

- OK, let's go!

Wait! Wait!

I've gotten you into enough trouble

already. I'll go alone.

No! This'll get you back on

the Force. We're right behind you.

Frank? I wanted you to know now,

I've loved you since the first day

I met you, and I'll never stop.

I'm a very lucky woman.

So am I.

Good afternoon.

We're coming live from the Big A,

where the California Angels

meet the Seattle Mariners

in their showdown

for the Division League.

Hello! I'm Curt Gowdy,

along with Jim Palmer,

Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Mel Allen,

Dick Enberg and Dr Joyce Brothers.

Join us for this

all-important ball game.

And a special game it is.

As we know, it is being attended

by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.

I'm sure she'll enjoy this game, Jim.

We've got all the exits covered.

I ought to arrest Ludwig right now.

No, we've got to let him

make the first move.

The Mayor would have you arrested.

You've got to stay out of sight.

I've got to get that assassin.

It could be any of those players.

I've got to get down on that field

and search those players.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please rise and welcome

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes