The Naked Kiss

I'm drunk, Kelly. Please.

What are you trying to do?

I'm drunk, Kelly. Please.

I'm drunk. I'm drunk.

I'm drunk.

$800! You parasite!

I'm taking only what's coming to me.

Fifty, 60...

I'm not rolling you, you drunken leech.

I'm taking only the $75

that's coming to me.

Ten bucks. Is that right, Mike?

Why spend your own money

on that punk?

Here's your ticket.

Thanks a lot, Griff.

I'll pay you back.

I'm giving you a break

'cause your brother was in my outfit.

I don't want to see you

in this town again.

Bus depot.

Yeah. Just a minute. Griff?

Sam.

- What's up, Sam?

- They're taking Danny to the hospital.

You want me to take his shift?

I'll pinch-hit for him tonight.

Please check my trunk.

I'll send for it later.

Thank you, ma'am.

Where is the washroom, please?

Inside and to the right.

Thank you.

Get on it and get lost.

- Pot roast tonight, Griff.

- I can't make it, Edna.

Aw, I wanted to finish that game, Griff.

- Danny's been taken to the hospital.

- His ulcer?

I'm pulling duty for him tonight.

What does "K" mean?

Oh, that's the name of the owner.

"K" is no name, Uncle Griff.

Bunny.

- Yes, Daddy.

- Don't you fool around with that.

- See you at home, Mike.

- Okay.

- Bye, Daddy.

- Bye.

That's enough to make a bulldog

bust its chain.

- Traveling saleslady?

- Uh-huh.

Staying long?

Long enough to cover this territory.

Well, there's one hotel in town -

special rates for salesmen.

What are you selling?

Angel Foam.

- Champagne.

- Best on the market.

What are the, uh -

What are the pens for?

Customers.

- Well, how about a sample?

- Uh-uh.

No free sips.

I, uh -

I'm pretty good at popping the cork

if the vintage is right.

Angel Foam - never heard of it.

It's an exclusive line

I'm introducing in this state.

Domestic or imported?

Angel Foam goes down like liquid gold...

and it comes up like slow dynamite...

for the man of taste.

If you can afford it.

- How much for a bull's-eye?

- Ten dollars a bottle.

Ten dollars?

Well, that's dirt cheap.

Well, we practically give it away

to the first customer.

It's called "goodwill" in business.

Ah, that's wonderful!

Just wonderful.

Thank you.

Not you.

I'm talking about my hair.

You're crazy, mussin' it up that way.

Oh, you'll never know

what a thrill this is.

It's all new.

- New?

- Mm-hmm.

It's just grown back.

- It fall out because you were sick?

- Uh-uh.

Don't tell me you had your head shaved.

Well, it wasn't my idea.

What happened?

It'll keep.

Well, at least you made

a 10-spot on Angel Foam.

I thought you gave me a 20.

You didn't have

enough wine to make you see double.

Oh.

"Moonlight Sonata. "

My favorite.

I see myself on a boat

when I hear that.

A boat on a lake... in the moonlight.

And leaves lazily falling on me.

- What do you see?

- I'm tone-deaf.

You can, uh -

You can sleep here, but...

just for tonight.

How long have you been a cop?

Is my badge that obvious?

Is mine?

Oh, I was taking no chances.

In my business, I have to.

Well, I don't see any battle scars.

That's because I practice

the first rule of the house.

Get in with the local law first.

It breaks the ice for later.

There'll be no later.

This town is clean.

What do you mean by that?

It means you and me will get along

like noise and a hangover...

if you pitch tent in my bivouac.

Boy, for a cop, you ought to read books.

"Goe-the," for instance.

- "Go" who?

- Goethe, the poet.

He said, "Nothing is more terrible

than active ignorance"...

and, mister, you proved him 100% right.

I'm not gonna start

a bubonic plague here.

Now, there's nothing personal, muffin.

If I let - I let you set up shop

in this neighborhood...

the people would chop me

like a ripe banana.

Then why'd you buy my merchandise?

I - I was thirsty.

Across the river is a wide-open town -

Del Mar Falls.

And it's not in this state.

There's a salon there,

and I don't mean a beauty parlor.

Candy a la carte.

Candy's a personal friend of mine.

I'll buy a bottle from you

now and then.

- What's your name?

- Kelly.

- Your real name.

- K-E-double L-Y.

You'll be my ichiban.

That's a Japanese expression

I picked up in Tokyo.

I know. It means "number one. "

- What's your name, tiger?

- Z - I mean, Griff.

Your real name.

G-R-I-double F.

- Rank?

- Captain.

- No uniform?

- Everybody knows me.

A reminder not to change brands.

"Angel Foam guarantees satisfaction. "

That's almost as good as -

as Candy's trademark.

What does Candy guarantee?

Indescribable pleasure.

She got it out of a book.

It's stamped on all her glasses.

Tell her I sent you.

Kelly?

Yes, sir?

Didn't you forget something?

Oh. Thank you for the room, Captain.

You owe me 10 bucks change.

Uh-uh.

I never make change.

- Good morning.

- You have a room for rent.

Please come in.

- Here. Let me take that.

- Oh!

Thank you.

I'll show you the room.

This is the room.

It has a beautiful view.

It faces the river.

Oh.

It's a family heirloom.

Do you realize we spend

about a third of our lives in bed?

That's why to sleep in comfort

is very important.

I used to say a little verse about it.

Like to hear it?

Mm-hmm.

"Four corners to my bed.

"Four angels round my head -

"one to watch and one to pray...

and two to bear my soul away. "

I'd like to rent this room...

and the four angels that go with it.

Oh, I'm so delighted.

I'm a stranger in town.

Don't you need my character reference?

Your reference is that face, Miss Kelly.

Good heavens. I forgot.

I'll have to move Charlie

out of your room.

Charlie?

I wouldn't want him to bother you

while you're asleep.

I named it Charlie

after a gentleman I was to marry.

I've kept this room ready for him...

ever since I got the president's wire

that Charlie was killed in the war.

That was 20 years ago.

Oh, I'd come up here all the time

and talk to Charlie.

Last week, I realized

the president was right -

that Charlie was dead

and I'd never get married.

Well, I'll move him downstairs.

- Oh, he won't be in the way.

- You don't mind?

No. In fact, it'll do me good

to talk to him now and then.

Well, he'll always agree with you.

- Hello, Griff.

- Hi, Marshmallow.

Hey, Griff. I can get more refined types

than the bonbons that work in this rathole.

I'll put Grantville on the map.

- You will? You really think you can?

- Well, sure!

How can I lose with John Law

on my team?

Are you sure you don't want

a bonbon, Griff?

Get back to the stable.

He's not buying your chocolates, Candy.

Go earn your money.

Check the stock.

- Who you looking for, Griff?

- Kelly.

Kelly? No Kelly here.

Do I know him?

Well, I sent her here.

Another female.

A pro, and she's got class.

Well, we can use a little class

in this shop.

Just get a load of my bonbons.

They're all a flock of broken-down bimmies.

- All except Hatrack.

- Hatrack?

Mmm. The name suits her, all right.

There isn't a customer here who doesn't

want to hang his fedora on her.

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