The Night of the Iguana Page #3

He was a fisherman, and I've got

a busload of man-eating sharks.

- I've gotta get those women up here.

- No, you don't.

We're closed in August.

We're always closed in August.

Quit blowing, and blow!

Maxine. Maxine, you gotta help me.

- Honey, you're really gone.

- Maxine, I can't lose this party.

Blake's Tours have put me on probation

because I had a bad party last month.

They tried to get me fired,

so now I'm on probation.

If I lose this party, I'll be fired for sure.

And what's next, Maxine?

There's nothing,

nothing lower than Blake's Tours.

Okay, okay, baby.

If it's that important to you...

...they can stay here.

Here comes your sidekick now.

His name's Hank. Hank.

- You gotta help me with him.

- Sure.

- I'll give him complimentary rum-coco.

- No, no, no.

Not until he's got the bus unloaded.

You ain't getting away with it.

Some of the ladies are in bad shape.

They'll walk back if you don't give me

that distributor head.

They'll drop like flies from sunstroke

in this heat. Hank, I need your cooperation.

This is a test of strength, Hank,

between two men and a crate of wet hens.

You know that, don't you?

I know what I'm doing, Hank.

Don't you forget that.

Now, the bell cow sent a telegram from

Los Feliz this morning, right?

That answer will come to their hotel

in Puerto Vallarta, right?

But if we're not there,

no answer can be delivered, right?

Lizzie Borden won't get to wield her ax.

That's why I brought them up here. Working

every minute. Now, all I need is a little time.

To reestablish myself in the esteem...

...of those old...

The good ladies of our party.

By this time tomorrow, they'll

be eating out of the palm of my hand.

Of that, you have the assurance

of the Reverend T. Lawrence Shannon.

What assurance you give

the kid you been leading on?

Leading on? Hank, if you are

to succeed in this business...

...you must give factual reports without

exaggeration. That's a definite exaggeration.

I've exercised every ingenuity

of which a man is capable...

...to keep at bay the advances

of this precocious jezebel.

That's a hell of a way to talk about

an innocent young girl.

You sure weren't doing no avoiding

when you got her up in your pad last night.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Without no exaggeration,

whatever happens to Reverend ain't enough.

Avoiding her? She laid it

on the line down there...

...why you shanghaied us up here.

- Hank...

I heard your story.

But that ain't her story.

She said that she planned

to take the plane from Puerto Vallarta...

...and you couldn't stand for it

to see her go.

Fantastic. That's fantastic.

Mrs. Faulk, honey...

...give him a menu. Give him one of your

sample menus to show the ladies.

One of your fantastic sample menus.

There you are, thank you.

There you are, Hank.

Now you go back down there and show

this fantastic sample menu to the ladies.

Describe the view from the hill,

the palatial appointments of the hotel...

...anything you like.

You get them up here, Hank.

A fine, upstanding young man.

So you appropriated the young chick

and the old hens are squawking, huh?

It's very serious. The child

is emotionally precocious.

- Bully for her.

- Also, she is traveling under the wing...

...of a military escort

of a butch vocal teacher.

I wonder how long it takes to sweat

the faculty of a Baptist Female College...

...out of a bus that's parked in the sun

when it's a 100 degrees in the shade.

- Well, they're staggering out of it now.

- They are?

I've won this round, I reckon.

Good old Hank.

Good old Hank better take cover.

Look at her, charging like

a bull elephant on a rampage.

Maxine, you gotta

help me with her, honey.

She's not only trying to get me fired,

she's also trying to pin on me...

...a rape charge,

a charge of statutory rape.

Statutory rape?

I've never known what that was.

That's when a man's seduced by a girl

under 20. That's not funny, Maxine.

Why do you always want

the young ones, honey?

I don't want any,

any, regardless of age.

Why do you take them, Shannon?

Huh, Shannon?

- Well, people need human contact, Maxine.

- Shannon!

Shannon! You're a fake.

Come on up, Miss Fellowes.

Everything's fixed.

Never do that, Miss Fellowes.

Not at high noon in a tropical country

in summer. Never charge uphill...

...like you're leading a troop of cavalry

attacking an impregnable position.

I don't want advice or instructions.

I want that distributor head.

This is one of the charming ladies of whom

I was speaking. Mrs. Faulk, Miss Fellowes.

- Hello.

- Is this man making a deal with you?

- What sort of deal?

- Is this man getting a kickback from you?

Look, honey,

nobody gets a kickback out of me.

- I turn away more people...

- Have you got a telephone?

- Sure.

- I wanna make a call to Texas.

- Collect, of course.

- Right in the office there.

When the hell did you get

a telephone in here?

Old Fred, he finally got the telephone

company to run a wire up here.

Well, you get in there,

and find out who she's talking to.

And don't let her get through to

Blake's Tours. She's trying to get me fired.

We're almost there, Peebie.

Just a little further.

Miss Peebles, I am delighted.

I knew common sense would prevail.

You'll be enchanted with Mismaloya.

Look at this view.

We're not here out of choice,

we're here out of necessity.

- Miss Peebles is ill. She requires a...

- A bathroom.

A bathroom, a bathroom.

Hank, get the luggage out of the bus.

Help yourselves, ladies.

Bungalows are all yours.

Here you are, Miss Peebles,

to comfort and privacy.

- Peebie,

- We couldn't help it, Judith, Peebie...

Just a temporary indisposition.

Mrs. Faulk is looking after her personally.

That's the service you get here.

Now you and Charlotte,

Miss Goodall, can share this one.

I want a room of my own.

That's perfectly all right with me.

She can have a room of her own.

I no longer assume any responsibility

for her actions. She's a free agent.

Until we get back to civilization.

Hank.

Let me have Miss Fellowes' bag.

Thank you.

This way, Miss Fellowes.

Miss Fellowes, did you get

your call through?

Circuits were busy,

they'll call me back.

Miss Fellowes, please,

please give me a minute.

Well? Well, what is it?

Well, it's just that like...

Like everybody else

at some time or other in life...

...my life has cracked up on me.

How does that compensate us?

Miss Fellowes, I've just confessed

to you that I'm at the end of my rope.

Please, Miss Fellowes, don't make me

feel that any human being...

...would put personal compensation

before the ugly bare fact...

...of a man who's at the end of his rope,

but who still has to try to go on.

Now you listen to me.

We girls have worked and slaved...

...all year at Baptist Female College for

this Mexican tour, and the tour is a cheat.

Fantastic.

For days we've been holed

in that stifling bus...

...over the byways, off the highways.

Shook up and bumped up

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