The Nines

sub2srt by (Yeolno)

You sell crack?

No, it's cool. I'm only a cop on TV.

How much... right on.

Is this crack?

You know how to do it?

Yes. Yes, hello.

I'm having a medical situation.

Yeah, okay,

I don't have a belly button.

I do not have a belly button

where I should on my belly,

and I'm concerned

because I don't know if that's...

Can a person live

without a belly button?

'Cause if you think about it,

you're born with one...

and if you don't have one

you're unborn,

and it's really hazy

whether you're alive or not.

I guess I'm wondering...

...am I alive?

Or what if I'm God?

I don't think I need an ambulance,

but I should probably

go to the hospital.

Yeah, I should.

Like you've never done worse!

Okay, yes, he totaled a car,

but it was

an environmentally friendly car.

Why doesn't that

get reported?

He was heartbroken, betrayed.

You say you understand,

but you don't... you can't.

You're like a big, giant Vulcan.

He's coming.

I'll call you later.

Hi. Margaret.

I work for Lola.

- Gary.

- I know.

We need to go out the back.

- Are there reporters out front?

- A few.

Not Hugh Grant level,

more like Robert Downey Jr.

When he broke into that family's house

and slept in the kid's bed.

I handled episodes two

through four for Robert,

so this sort of thing

is my specialty.

Okay, just so it's said,

this house is flammable.

I didn't mean

to burn down my house.

Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way

into a ten-year shame spiral,

but I did, and it's healthier

to acknowledge it.

So, this flammable house

belongs to one of Lola's

other fabulous clients,

who is currently shooting

a pilot in Toronto.

- An actor?

- Writer.

So, for the next six weeks,

su casa es su casa.

I say feel free to wear his clothes.

He'll probably get

a sick thrill out of it.

The gays.

He has dogs.

Yeah, they're away at summer camp.

Now, try the bed.

It's fine.

- Comfortable?

- Sure.

Look, Gary, I know this

has been crazy and stressful.

I want you to feel

safe and comfortable.

- I do.

- I'm a fan of yours, you know.

Your number-one fan!

But if you f*** this up,

I will smash your ankles

with a sledgehammer.

And that wouldn't be comfortable

for either one of us.

Nine dogs ran through the field.

The koala sits in the tree.

It's computer voice-recognition.

The parole system can call

you any time, day or night.

If you don't pick up

within five rings,

the police come

and haul your ass off.

What if I'm not here?

That's why they call it

"house arrest."

You stay inside your house.

He can take direction,

I promise.

I'll be coming by twice a day

to check up on you.

I should be

the only person coming by...

no pals, no buddies,

no heroin dealers.

I don't do heroin.

Yeah, crack is classy.

And I'm not buying you porn.

There's spray-per-view

on cable.

Great, 'cause I really

wasn't concerned

about my career,

family, or future.

- I just wanted to jerk off.

- Let me see your phone.

Come on, all my numbers

are in there.

Dial ten digits at random.

Whoever answers will be better

than the people on that phone.

You have my cell number,

you have delivery menus.

You're fine, right?

Bad idea.

Be good!

Keep it.

Someone was trying

to destroy the evidence.

Someone failed.

Once we get these samples

back to the crime lab...

we'll know

who the real killer is.

Somebody there?

Hello!

Hello?

Yes.

Nine leopards

ran through the jungle.

I bought two cakes

at the store.

The house is haunted.

There's a zeitgeist

or some...

Poltergeist, and no.

Maybe they were rats.

L.A.'s teeming with rats.

They live in the palm trees.

Maybe.

Okay, you know,

I'm a licensed psychotherapist.

Really?

No, I'm a publicist.

My job is what

other people think of you,

not what you think of yourself,

so pull your sh*t together.

I am this close to getting

Christine Walsh to do

your piece in Parade.

Parade? I f***ing hate Parade.

Everybody hates Parade,

but the people that watch Crim9 Lab

love their Marilyn Vos Savant.

One heartfelt act of contrition,

and maybe the show writer

won't kill off your character

between seasons.

I swear to God,

if you go bat-sh*t on me...

I'm not crazy.

Exactly. Exactly.

Sorry! I'm sorry.

Over here, to your left.

Right. Sorry, right.

I was practicing my putting,

if you can believe that.

Not really.

Okay, maybe I was

just looking for a way

to meet my infamous neighbor.

You see, I'm under house arrest too.

What'd you do?

I had sex with my husband.

That's awful.

Nine months later,

I had Jaden.

That's her over there.

She's a cutie.

She's sleeping for another...

Seventeen minutes.

She likes to keep to a schedule.

She seems really boring.

She is.

You're rich.

Shouldn't you have

a nanny from Ecuador?

I'm Canadian.

Can't work in the U.S.

Plus, I want to keep

this air of moral superiority

by doing everything myself.

Very Canadian.

Thanks.

Jaden goes down again

around 2:
30.

Maybe I could stop by?

I'm pretty sure I'll be here.

It's a date.

Is it?

- I'm Sarah, by the way.

- Gary.

Yeah, I know.

"The best of all possible worlds."

Okay.

Voltaire, Candide.

Are you actually reading it?

I thought I was.

Sorry I bailed.

Jaden had a fever.

How boring of her.

Housewarming gift!

Demon liquor.

And the best part is I can drink it.

I pumped before I came.

So did I.

It's hard to prove

that I was only trying

to burn my ex-girlfriend's stuff

and not the entire house.

Yeah, fire's tricky that way.

Yeah. How 'bout you?

Any history of arson?

Strangely enough...

I knew it. I could see

that little spark.

Well, it wasn't arson, probably.

When I was a little girl,

our house caught on fire.

Oh, sh*t.

I'll never forget the look

on my father's face

as he gathered me up

in his arms and raced

through the burning building

out onto the pavement.

I stood there,

shivering in my pajamas,

and watched the whole world

go up in flames.

And when it was over,

I said to myself,

"Is that all there is to a fire?"

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is, my friends

Then let's keep dancing

Let's break out the booze

And have a ball

If that's all there is

And then I met

the most wonderful boy in the world.

We would take long walks

by the river.

We'd sit for hours

gazing into each other's eyes.

We were so very much in love.

And then one day he went away,

and I thought I'd die, but I didn't.

And when I didn't, I said to myself,

"Is that all there is to love?"

Is that all there is

Is that all there is

If that's all there is, my friends

Then let's keep...

I know what you're thinking.

If that's the way she feels about it,

why doesn't she just end it all?

Oh, no.

I'm in no hurry

for that final disappointment.

I know as sure as I'm

standing here talking to you,

that when

that final moment comes

and I'm breathing my last breath,

I'll be saying to myself...

Is that all there is

Is that all there is

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