The Nines Page #5

having a nervous breakdown

or something.

I'm literally so focused

on this show

that I feel like I'm living

inside of the show.

I can't tell where

it ends and I begin,

and I'm having

conversations with people,

and I'm ten feet outside

of my body and looking down.

There I am, having

this conversation with somebody,

and I'm just observing it,

you know.

Just, I don't feel good.

You're just stressed, right?

The network wants

to replace you.

Oh, my God.

And I'm letting them,

because I really want

this show on the air.

I have all these characters

inside my head,

and they wanna live,

and I'm the only way...

This is the only way

that they can.

- I have five seasons mapped out.

- Oh, five?

Well, it sucks.

Either you go away

or the show goes,

and I had to make a decision,

and that's the decision

that I made.

And I am so sorry.

I understand.

I mean, it's not your fault, right?

I mean, it couldn't be your fault.

You are morally incapable

of doing the right thing.

Right? Don't do that.

Don't get me wrong.

I think you do feel bad for me.

That's all I think you feel for me.

Okay, I am still the fat girl

you call on Friday nights

when your date falls through.

"Hey, let's go see a movie!"

"Let's go to Fubar."

"Then when I pick up

a hot piece of ass, I'll drop you,

"and that's okay...

don't worry about Melissa.

I mean, you can call her tomorrow

and apologize, or not."

It doesn't really matter 'cause we're not

actually friends, are we, Gavin?

- That's just not true.

- Isn't it, really?

I prefer to not do this

on camera, okay?

- Is this not a good idea?

- Please lower your voice.

I'm not gonna lower my voice.

Is that embarrassing?

You can't control this one.

Your little puppets

are off their strings,

running around saying sh*t

that you didn't write.

Well, this is reality,

and it scares the sh*t out of you.

Reality scares me?

Does it really?

I'm gonna tell you, you wouldn't

be here if it wasn't for me.

I gave you your first few roles

and your career as a result.

That's reality, Melissa.

Thank you for finally

playing that f***ing card,

the "I invented

Melissa McCarthy" card.

I bought a house, Gavin!

I bought a house

'cause of what we talked about.

F*** you, and don't ever

f***ing pity me again.

Cut, please.

Please.

Upfronts is the week each year

when the networks present

their fall schedule to the advertisers.

It's a very important event for us,

and the weeks preceding it

are pretty stressful

because the schedule is a secret

right up until it's announced.

"Upfronts"

is a complete oxymoron

because nobody's

remotely honest, so it's...

It's really a show

for the advertisers

to get them really jazzed up

about the new product for the fall.

"Here's our new sh*t. Like it?"

There's lots of upsides...

you're in New York.

Any time you're in New York City

is a good time.

So, have you heard from Susan?

No, I've not heard

from Susan as of yet.

I left her four or five messages

telling her what

went down with Melissa,

and that I let her go,

and that I met with Dahlia...

and I've not yet

heard back from her.

I feel bad about

what happened with Melissa,

but it's a two-way street

and I'm a little angry, too.

We've been friends for years.

I think we'll be friends again.

We'll move on.

Ice cold water, ice cold water.

Only one dollar.

I was 12 when we got in this car.

I've not yet heard from Susan.

Got off the plane,

checked messages, nothing.

I suppose that we have a...

I suppose we have

a reciprocal relationship,

my show and your show.

That's the thing

about reality television, isn't it...

the worse it gets for me,

the better it is for you.

It certainly inspires

a newfound sympathy

for my characters.

You know,

I put them through hell.

I kill off their husbands

or throw them off cliffs.

I'm a cruel god...

all in the name of a good story

or compelling television.

What's funny is that I'm

a character in your show.

I'm disposable.

Kill off the hero.

No one will see it coming.

I dare you.

I think I'm just tired, you know?

I'm just tired.

It's just so surreal being here.

It's not at all how I imagined.

Hey, you!

Hey, hi!

God, Gavin.

Get in here, get in here!

You're doing your show.

And so are you.

Welcome to reality television.

Did you just get in?

Just now.

This whole last 24 hours

have been surreal.

Right. I just said that. Surreal.

- You're good?

- Yeah, great.

I wanted to call you, and...

Oh, yeah? Call anytime.

Seriously, I don't sleep, so...

I just felt really weird

about what happened.

It's just too bad.

What happened?

So I just bumped

into Dahlia Salem,

star of my show.

She tells me that

Gatins' show got picked up,

so, no, she won't

be starring in my show,

which makes me wonder

if my show even exists.

No, no, I left word for Roger,

and I left word for Susan too.

It's like they dropped off

the face of the Earth.

Just call me

when you know something.

At this moment,

I can't be certain

whether Knowing will end up

on the schedule at all.

As far as Gavin's concerned,

the show is on the air.

You don't normally fly to New York

and find out at the last f***ing second

that your show's

been pulled off the air.

- Excuse me.

- So what is the situation right now?

I don't know. Right now,

the entire schedule is in flux,

and I get these missives

from Roger and the "higher powers,"

but you're not really sure

what they add up to.

What's up?

They flew you out here anyway, huh?

- Oh, see you... you know!

- No, I mean...

It would've been great if you'd extended

the common courtesy of a call.

Gavin, this is

the television business.

It's like high school.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry?

But I'm kind of not.

I want my show on the air,

just like you want

your show on the air.

It was shitty of you to go

behind my back after Dahlia, okay?

That was shitty.

And you fired

Melissa McCarthy without...

you didn't even have a backup.

Why would they pick up

your show without a star?

- The network wanted Dahlia.

- They wanted Dahlia in my show.

We tested before your show.

We tested through the roof.

You should see the numbers.

I'll show them to you.

- Really?

- Yeah. Who's your exec?

Susan Howard.

Susan Howard.

She was there.

Ask her.

She would know.

I'm at the UTA party.

Did you hear

about Ricky's assistant?

She literally shat herself.

- No, I saw it!

- Hey!

I'll break your f***ing finger!

I'll call you back.

All right, let me explain

why I didn't call you back.

Roger wanted to talk

to you personally.

- Bullshit. Bullshit.

- We're only picking up two dramas.

- The rest is what, reality?

- You can go mid-season.

You can go to hell, okay?

All right.

I've been the only one here

trying to protect you...

Oh, God, don't start!

Protecting me from what?

From you? You're psychotic.

All I wanna know is why.

- You want a motive?

- I do.

This isn't Crim9 Lab.

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