The Offspring Page #2

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Ain't that some sh*t?

- Huh?

- That's a shame.

Huh.

I was thinking about

asking her out.

What the hell happened

to the side of your face anyway?

Were you choking the chicken

and fall out of bed or what?

Stanley?

Stanley?

We can't let a little thing like this

interrupt our romance,

can we, darling?

Grace.

What we should've had together.

Look at you.

Who knew you were so beautiful?

Why didn't you let anyone

really see your face?

To you and I

and our night...

together.

Hey, Stanley.

You're driving tomorrow, right?

- You better believe it, Burt.

- All right.

Hey, we goin' bowlin' Saturday?

All right.

Stanley, could you come upstairs please?

I've been wanting you all day long.

I worked for hours

to look good for you

- when you came home.

- Thank you.

You're not goin' out tonight,

are you?

Bowling or anything?

No. Tonight I'm staying home.

I hardly ever see you anymore.

Water's ready.

All right.

Aren't you gonna wash my back?

Don't forget my shoulders.

You know,

Christmas is getting so close.

We should do something nice

in Daddy's memory.

He died on Christmas Day, Stanley.

Of course you were only

four or five at the time,

but you should remember that.

You know,

perhaps a Christmas tree

draped in black.

- on!

Oh, no, no,

Stanley!

Why, why, why?

Your hair is so long

Your skin is so white.

Eileen? Eileen?

Eileen? Eileen?

Oh.

Ugh.

What...

Ah. Oh.

Oh.

What?

Don't you f*** around with me, boy.

I'll get you.

' - Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Daddy.

- Daddy.

- Uh, oh, no.

What...?

What?

Daddy.

Daddy.

Hah, Christ.

My lord.

Christ.

Christ.

Well?

Fascinating.

A little far-fetched.

Far-fetched or far-reaching?

I'm too old for nightmares.

One thing I've learned, my dear,

is that one is never too old

for nightmares.

Did you know that there were

two bodies buried

right underneath these floors, hmm?

The librarian before me

used to bring young ladies here

to the old part of the building

for romantic interludes.

One evening a husband

discovered them

and dealt with their indiscretion

with an ax.

He deposed of their bodies

right under there.

At night I swear that you can...

sometimes hear the lovers scream.

That's a good story.

That still doesn't tell me anything

about your niece.

It tells you about this place,

the atmosphere,

the evil that hangs in the air.

It twists people

just like you read in that journal.

That's nothing.

Those are bad dreams,

the ravings of a madman.

You don't see, do you?

It's Oldfield does this to people.

If you had a lifetime to live,

you could...

you could read the whole history

here for yourself.

Look.

Here's a case.

It happened over 30 years ago.

Huh, look.

If ever a man

was consumed by greed...

Hm.

- Goon.

- Hm?

What you were saying.

Jesse.

Jesse Hardwick.

Finally, some news from Tinseltown.

Let's all congratulate Lucille Ball.

Last night the redhead presented Desi

with a bouncing baby boy

while Mr. And Mrs. America watched her

do the same thing on the tube.

How's that for timing, folks?

Hey, it's 10:
45 am and 85 hot,

hot Tennessee degrees

here in Oldfield's own rockin' WHID.

So let's cool down to the hot sound

of rock and roll...

Clinton and the Thunderbirds.

What the goddamn hell

do you want?

I'm leaving you, Jesse.

I'm tired of hidin' out

in the boondocks,

Good. Good-bye. Leave.

By the way,

I think you picked the wrong people

to rip off this time.

What are you talkin' about?

Wait a minute.

You tellin' me you sold me out

to those McCoy brothers?

You goddamn b*tch.

They'll be here any minute.

Nobody double-crosses

Jesse Hardwick,

you-you... you slut!

I think you got a few other problems

to worry about besides me.

Shoulda figured you'd try

to pull something like this.

Lookin' for somethin'?

Give me that!

No! No! Give me that!

God damn it!

B*tch!

Ugh!

Good shot.

The swamp will handle the leftovers.

Aah!

Ah, see you wakin' up.

That's nice.

You know, you almost

went to sleep for good.

Who are you, old man?

Felder is my name.

Guess you're hungry, ain't ya?

Yeah.

I feel I haven't had

anything to eat in days.

That's 'cause you ain't.

Lucky for you I came along.

Here. Try this.

Old-timer.

You live... live here all alone?

Not now.

How would you like to go out

and pick some mushrooms

with me tonight?

It'll be a full moon soon.

Are you crazy?

I hardly got the strength to sit up.

Yeah, I know.

I thought you would get

your strength back a mite sooner.

Is that right?

I think a man like you ought to have

a lot a-waitin' back home.

Oh! Yeah?

What the hell

is that supposed to mean?

Nothin'.

It's nice to have

some company around for a change.

It's been a long time.

How long, uh,

you been livin' out here,

old-timer?

Oh, I don't know.

- It's been a while.

- Been a while.

You know, you're not much

for answering questions, are you?

What's this thing?

It's a buffalo.

Beautiful animals.

You know, if you would be

still and quiet,

the whole herd

would stay in one spot.

You could just carve

until your heart's content.

You're crazy, you know that?

There ain't been

no herds of buffalo around

for a long time.

Think I'm goin' out now.

Be back soon.

What the hell is he up to?

What the hell is this?

"Freed Slave."

"1871.

1938."

I don't believe it.

How many lifetimes have you had,

Felder Evans?

Ah, see you feelin' better.

Why are you sittin' in the dark?

Don't you know

that's bad on the eyes?

Seems like maybe I've been in the dark

about a lot of things, old man.

You gonna be old yourself one day

real soon, Jesse.

Just how old are you,

Felder Evans?

How old do you think I am?

About, uh...

200 years old.

You see, uh...

I been goin' through

your memory book.

You got no business doin' that.

Oh, sorry about that.

- Tell me, old-timer.

- Tell you what?

How do you do it?

It's got somethin' to do with that...

that spooky mumbo-jumbo stuff you do

all through the night, ain't it?

- Is that what you think?

- Yeah, that's what I think.

And I also think

a talent like yours, probably,

you could live forever.

That is, uh...

as long as you share...

long as you show me how to do it.

Do you realize what you got,

old man?

You got the key to life!

Eternal life!

We could be the richest men

in the world.

I don't need money.

Yeah, well, I do!

And you're gonna show me

how to do it.

You'd have to be here an awful long time

to know what I know.

Anything you say...

old... man.

Now try it again.

Saroom-Ii!

Zick-Ii!

Zick...

Sh*t.

- Why don't you concentrate?

- Concentrate, my ass.

It's all horseshit, old man.

We've been out here for,

what now, three weeks

playin' with these candles and words

and nothin' ever happens.

Come on, now.

Why don't you trust me?

Why don't you tell me

where you're hidin' that little bottle?

Huh? Huh?

I told you to leave that alone.

Those drops of magic water

that you're always collectin',

- now that's the secret, ain't it?

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