The Oscars

---

Live from the Dolby Theater

at Hollywood And Highland, it's the oscars.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host, Seth macfarlane.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the oscars.

And the quest to make

Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins now.

There we go.

I honestly cannot believe I'm here.

There's a billion people watching.

That's insane. I'm hosting the oscars.

An honor that everyone else said no,

it really is.

When whoopi to Ron Jeremy.

Now, tonight for the first time

the oscars have a theme.

We will be celebrating music in film and

have a lot of great surprises coming up.

But first and foremost, a lot of great

films this year, a lot of great films.

"Argo," who saw "Argo," right?

Great movie.

"Argo" tells the previously

classified story

about an American hostage rescue

in post-revolutionary Iran.

The story was so top secret that the film's

director is unknown to the academy.

They know they screwed up.

It's not your fault.

You know, 2012 was a great year for movies.

Hollywood shattered box office records

with $10.8 billion in domestic sales,

in fact, studio accountants

have never had to

work harder to prove

nothing made a profit.

Now, theoing to be a big night

for some of you people

because as we all know

winning an Oscar guarantees

a long successful career in the industry.

You're ahead of me on this.

Look at last year, Jean dujardin

won best actor for "the artist. "

Now he's everywhere.

I'm kidding, of course, his is actually

a tragic age-old Hollywood story.

It couldn't make it in the talkies.

And it's a big night for foreign films.

"Amour" is nominated.

Right?

Or as I call it "this is 90"

and some Hollywood royalty.

Some Hollywood royalty.

Roman coppola nominated

for best screenplay for "moonrise kingdom. "

He is the sixth member of the coppola

family to receive a nomination.

Now, that's got to be a fun house

to grow up in, right?

Mom, I got an "a" in Spanish.

Oh really, literally everyone

you're related to has an Oscar.

Daniel day-Lewis is here, of course.

Daniel, your process fascinates me.

Now, you were totally 100% in character

as Lincoln 24/7 during the movie.

That's what I read, like,

You stayed in character all day every day

so like if you saw a cell phone,

would you have to be like,

oh, my God, what's that?

Like if you bumped into don cheadle

on the studio lot did you try to free him?

I mean, how - how deep does your method go?

"Django unchained,"

now, that was an intense film.

Right.

This is the story of a man

fighting to get back his woman

who has been subjected

to unthinkable violence

or as Chris brown and rihanna

call it, a date movie.

Ooh, no. No, that's what

we were afraid he would do.

That's as bad as it gets

if it makes you feel better.

It's not as bad as it gets really.

A lot of controversy,

a lot of controversy over the multiple

uses of the "n" word in the film.

I'm told apparently the

screenplay is loosely based

on Mel Gibson's voice mails?

Is taht... Is that...

Right?

Oh, so you're on his side?

Okay. I'm told it's actually okay

for Quentin Tarantino to use that word

because he thinks he's black.

Jennifer Lawrence has a great attitude

about this whole thing.

This is a charming, talented woman.

I was talking to her backstage.

She told me whether she wins or loses

it's just an honor

that meryl streep wasn't nominated.

As I said,

tonight's ceremony is being watched

by close to a billion people worldwide,

which is why Jodie foster will be up here

in a bit to ask for her privacy.

Also... what the hell is going on?

Enterprise to dolby theatre, come in.

The Dolby Theatre. This is Captain James t.

Kirk. From Star Trek.

- Will you respond?

- Captain kirk, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm here to stop you from doing

what you're about to do,

the show is a disaster.

What are you talking about?

It's going fine.

No, it's not.

Listen to me, I've come back in time

from the 23rd century

to stop you from destroying

the academy awards.

This is the newspaper headline

from tomorrow morning

Seth macfarlane, worst Oscar host ever.

It's that bad?

Your jokes are tasteless and inappropriate

and everyone ends up hating you.

Why couldn't they just get Tina and Amy

to host the show?

Tina and Amy should host everything.

I'm sorrey. They'll be hosting next year.

Tell me what it is that I do wrong.

Well, to begin you sing

an incredibly offensive song

that upsets a lot of actresses

in the audience.

What's the song?

I'll show you. I brought a recording of

the Oscar telecast back in time with me.

You'll be able to see exactly

how you ruin the ceremony.

Look at this.

# we saw your b*obs #

# we saw your b*obs #

# in the movie that's #

# what we saw we saw your b*obs #

# meryl streep we saw them in "silkwood" #

# and Naomi watts in "Mulholland drive" #

# and Angelina we saw them in "Gia" #

# That made us feel exited ad alive #

# Anne hathaway we saw them #

# in broke boek Mountain #

# hab Halle Berry in monster's ball #

# Nicole Kidman and eyes wide shut #

# and Marisa tomei #

# but not Jennifer Lawrence's at all #

# we saw your b*obs #

# we saw your b*obs #

# In the movie that we saw #

# we saw your b*obs #

# kristen Stewart we saw them on road #

# and we saw charlize theron's #

# Helen hunt we saw them

in "the sessions" #

# Scarlett Johansson #

# we saw them on our phones #

# Jessica chastain

we Sawyer o b*obs in "lawless" #

# Jodie Foster in the creuse #

# Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry #

# Pen?lope Cruz in Vanilla Sky #

# And Kate Winslet in Heavenly Creatures #

# and Hamlet and Titanic ###

# and whatever you're in right now #

# we saw your b*obs #

# we saw your b*obs #

ladies and gentlemen,

the gay men's chorus of Los Angeles.

# we saw your b*obs #

# b*obs #

# we saw your boobk we

saw your b*obs, b*obs #

# we saw your boob #

just so you know, I'm not actually

a member of that chorus.

I was just joining in at the end there.

Oh, trust me, in July you join the chorus.

Okay, what do I do? How do I fix this?

Well, look, look, these people

don't want you to mock the movies.

If you're going to do a son-in-law,

sing one that celebrates the movies.

You know, a classic Oscar-winning tune.

You said it yourself.

That's what tonight is

supposed to be about.

All right, I think I got it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

channing tatum and charlize theron.

# someday when I'm awfully low #

# when the world is cold #

# I will feel a glow #

# just thinking of you #

# and the way you look tonight #

just the way you look tonight

just the way you look tonight

all right, there.

Did that fix everything?

Well, let's find out.

Seth macfarlane,

pretty bad Oscar host.

Seth macfarlane,

pretty bad Oscar host. Still?

Why? What else happened?

You do a reenactment of the movie

"flight" entirely with soft puppets.

Take a look.

Flight 227, you are

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