The Oscars Page #2

---

cleared for takeoff.

- All systems go. Captain.

- Okay, hang on a second.

Glug, glug, glug,

glug, let's do it.

Captain, you don't

look so good. Are you okay?

I am now.

Oh, oh.

Aaagh!

- I'm going to have to roll it.

- Too low. Too low.

Pull up.

Pull up.

I'm in so much pain.

Hey, it's me your drug dealer.

You want some drugs? Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's...

that's not bad-bad, right?

Are you crazy? You're a white guy.

In 2013 you can't wear black hand.

Come on, Denzel doesn't care.

He has a great sense of humor.

He's in all those "nutty Professor"

movies. He's hilarious.

The point is, keep it classy.

You've suck a song.

How about a little soft shoe?

Okay, all right. How about this?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-levitt.

# Just what makes that little old an #

# think he'll move #

# that rubber tree plant #

# anyone knows an ant #

# can't move a rubber tree plant #

# but he's got high hopes #

# he's got high hopes #

# he's got high hopes #

# he's got high apple pie #

# in the sky hopes #

# so any time you're feeling low #

# instead of letting go #

# just remember that ant #

# whoops, there goes #

# another rubber tree #

# whoops, there goes #

# another rubber tree #

# whoops, there goes #

# another rubber tree plant #

# ker-plop #

all right.

That did it.

That had to have done it.

What does the headline say now?

Seth macfarlane proves to be mediocre host.

It helped but still not enough.

Seth macfarlane proves to

be mediocre host.

That's actually the best

review I've ever gotten

so I'm going to go ahead and

take that if that's okay.

Are you sure you want to be the

first Oscar host to get a bad review?

Fine, fine, what else do I

do that screws up the show?

Well, you're incredibly disrespectful

to one of the evening's

most prestigious nominees,

look at what happens

in the green room.

Hey, how's it going?

- Oh, my God.

- Isn't this cool? "Flying nun. "

You know who is a fan of the

"flying nun" in this room?

This guy.

- Really?

- Me.

That's great. Thanks a lot.

- I saw "Lincoln. "

- Oh. Thanks.

I wasn't complimenting you.

I was just saying I saw the movie.

Oh.

You know, when I was a kid I used

to watch "the flying nun" on TV

and I got to tell you I'm not

ashamed to say, you were so hot.

Wow. That's very nice

of you to say that.

And "gidget" you as gidget, so hot.

Don't you have to get back

on stage or something?

No, Adele is out there screaming her

song at everybody. I'm fine. I'm good.

Something about the nun, man,

there's something about

the nun, I don't know

whether it's cause

it's forbidden fruit,

so ridiculously hot.

This is making me uncomfortable.

What are you doing in about 61/2

hours after the show is over.

I'm going to go to

a party or something.

Great. I'm in. C*nt me in, man.

Fire up the transam.

I can't go anywhere.

I'm nop natured.

You have to go

back out there.

You know they're gonna

gove it to Anne Hathaway.

Let's... Lets's go.

Yes, but out of respect,

I think I have to...

Look, I got a bottle of

wine and some Boniva.

We'll have a great time.

- Give to it Ally.

- They're not gonna give it to Ally.

- Amy.

- I don't kow who that is.

- Jacki.

- No.

- They're gonna give it to Anne.

- Yeah.

I went home with Sally field.

That's awesome.

No, no, it's not.

Sally was supposed to win.

She wasn't there to get the award.

What happened?

Amy Adams ran up and grabbed it.

- She did?

- Yeah.

They tried to take it from

her and she bit a guy.

- Oh, my God.

- Blood all... look, you're almost there.

You got to give them

a big showstopper.

Make your audience feel

welcome and then start the show.

Okay. All right.

I think I got it.

Orchestra, please.

Be our guest

# be our guest as we honor the best #

# with a telecast designed to #

# put your patience to the test #

# there's ####### And I #

# hope he's on his meds, #

# Daniel day we love the beard #

# but Lincoln's voice was kind of weird #

#### Have some luck, #####

# with the star that made them #

# look like a vision ##

##### We're missing Oscar time #

# so be our guest be our guest #

# be our guest #

# please be our guest #

best oscars ever, says everyone

except entertainment weekly

ladies and gentlemen,

last year's Oscar winner for

actress in a supporting role,

octavia Spencer.

The five actors nominated for

actor in a supporting role

have been nominated a combined

a combined 21 times for academy awards.

And each has won at

least once before.

Now, I'm no expert.

Having been here on this stage

for the first time last year,

but in my opinion,

this may be one of the most

impressive field of actors

to share this category.

Here are the nominees for

actor in a supporting role.

Alan arkin, "argo. "

Want to set up a movie.

You want to lie to Hollywood.

A town where everybody

lies for a living.

Then you going to sneak

that wants CIA blood on

their breakfast cereal

and walk the Brady bunch out of

the most watched city in the world.

Robert de niro,

"silver linings playbook. "

- I want to you watch the game with me.

- I do but this is...

I'm not superstition.

That's a small thing I do.

If I make a lot of money what is

the difference if I do this or that?

That? A small thing.

Hey, you see that?

You're meant to be here.

This is special.

Everything happens for a reason.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, "the master. "

What scares you so much about

traveling into the past, sir?

I'm not... - are you afraid

we might discover our pasts

have been reshapen,

perverted

and perhaps what we think

we know of this world

is false information?

Tommy Lee Jones, "Lincoln. "

Even you .

Long before today even

worthless unworthy you

ought to be treated

equally before the law.

Christoph waltz,

"django unchained. "

I showed that

to the authorities

proving that indeed

have killed him

at which point the authorities

pay me the bounty.

So like slavery it's a

flesh for cash business.

And the Oscar goes to...

christoph waltz, "django unchained. "

This is the second academy award

and second nomination for christoph waltz.

He took home his first

Oscar in the same

category for his role in

"inglourious basterds. "

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Mr. de niro, Mr. arkin,

Mr. Hoffman and Mr. Jones... at my...

My unlimited gratitude goes

to Dr. king Schultz.

That is, of course,

to his creator and the creator of his

awe-inspiring world, Quentin Tarantino.

And I thank Jamie foxx

and Lee yee dicaprio,

Sam Jackson and

kerry Washington.

I thank Harvey weinstein

and Amy paschal, Stacey

sher, Reginald hudlin

and sill lahr savone,

Adam schweitzer and Lisa costello and Jeff

and bill, my friends, who saved my neck.

We've participated in a hero's journey,

the hero here being Quentin,

you scaled the Mountain

because you're not afraid of it.

You slay the dragon because

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes