The Perfect Man Page #6

with their dairy guy...

and he got her a deal

on the party room.

I heard the food's

really bad there.

Everyone who eats there

gets really sick.

Vomiting for days.

I'll take my chances.

Let's go, sweetie.

Where is he?

I don't know.

Maybe the restaurant.

Maybe home.

Okay, you go

to the restaurant. I'm going

to go to his place.

If I see him,

I'll stall him.

Now, what's his address?

"To begin again in Egypt. "

Seven letters.

Oh, The Times thinks

they're so clever.

Hello?

Hey, thank God you're here.

Who is this?

It's Holly.

Who?

Amy's friend, Holly.

Oh, Holly. Yeah, well,

Amy's not here.

I know. I came

to see you, actually.

It's something

really important.

Okay. I'll buzz you in.

The door's open up here.

Hi.

Hey, straight ahead.

Hey.

Hi.

Wow!

This is the most

amazing kitchen...

I've ever seen

in my whole entire life.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

I know someone that would

just kill for this kitchen.

I bet Amber likes it a lot,

huh?

Amber?

Well, she's got her finger

on everything I do...

but not this kitchen.

How about you have a seat

and I'll get you a soda?

Is that okay?

Okay.

You do The Times crossword

in pen?

Yeah. Is that

a bad thing?

How do you feel

about the moon?

Excuse me?

Do you think

that it's a little piece

of magic...

that comes out every night,

even when times get hard...

to remind you that every day

holds potential for beauty?

What has Amy told you

about me?

Nothing.

She just said

that you were really smart.

And I'm new to town.

It's a new school.

I don't really have a dad

to turn to for advice, either.

So thought I'd ask you.

Well, all right.

I guess I can try to help.

I'm not really a,

you know...

What did you

want to know?

It's nothing.

It's just, I'm going through

my teenage years.

And that's confusing.

I'm confused about who I am

and what my purpose is

in life.

What college I should go to.

If I should even go

to college.

I'm trying to resist

peer pressure to do

all sorts of things...

that I know that

I shouldn't do, but some

of them I kind of want to do.

If you know what I mean.

I'm considering getting

my nose pierced

and my belly button...

and nine other parts

of my body.

But my mom said

she would totally kill me

if I did that...

so now I'm just thinking

about getting a tattoo

on my back.

But it wouldn't be

really considered my back...

because it would be so low

that you wouldn't be able

to see it.

Unless I wore my jeans

low enough.

I'm really confused.

Where?

Yeah?

Ben.

Yeah?

We got big problems

down here.

Huge, massive.

What?

The pilot light on that

big thing that cooks the food?

It's out again.

No, it can't be broken.

I just bought it

two months ago.

Ben, I am telling you,

the only gas I'm smelling

is coming from Pablo.

Okay.

Calm down.

I'm coming right now. Goodbye.

Holly, I got a problem

at the restaurant,

so I have to go.

No, you can't!

Why not?

I mean, can I come?

Yeah, why not? Come on.

I've got to go to the bathroom

really bad.

Yeah, well, go.

There's the bathroom there,

but hurry up.

Right there

through that door.

I love this.

You have got to be

kidding me.

This isn't going

to cover anything.

That's exactly

the point.

Houston, we have a problem.

What kind?

The very, very bad kind.

He's on his way

to the restaurant now.

Oh, my God!

What do we do?

Create a distraction.

A really, really big one.

I'll see you there. Bye.

Do we have to take a cab?

I hate cabs.

Maybe we should walk.

What are you, crazy?

We're going to

the River Bistro.

I get carsick.

Boys!

Come on,

get your free beer.

Free beer!

Bring on the beer.

Yeah, bring on the Beer.

Look, it's time

for your break.

Bye-bye.

Hi! How are you?

Good.

Some sort of Village People

convention in town?

We saw the sign outside

and we want the free beer.

Free beer?

Why would I give you...

I'd give you free beer.

You look absolutely parched.

Thanks a lot, my friend.

I think I'm going to need

another mimosa...

to open the rest

of these gifts.

I'll get the waiter.

Lance!

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing here?

I just, I miss you.

Free...

Lance!

What is this?

What, nothing.

Is this your idea?

No.

No, I would never do...

Well, actually

I would do that,

but I didn't do it.

Why didn't I?

The sign says free beer.

We want our free beer. Yeah.

J-E-T-S! Jets!

What's that?

Look! What a neat gift!

I feel like a queen.

Fellows, we're not

a sports bar, but one

free beer on the house...

but that's it.

Free beer!

You're a Jets fan, right?

Oh my God, hello!

I live for West Side Story.

Pablo, what happened?

I don't know.

Now, these are

brand new stoves.

What about the pizza oven?

Try it.

Okay, I am getting

the waiter.

Does anyone want anything

besides mimosas?

That's working. It's got

to be the gas line, right?

Champagne.

White wine.

What happened?

It's not lighting?

What are you doing?

Sorry.

Mom! I'm going to

get the waiter.

Why don't you sit here

and enjoy your lunch?

Pablo, keep working on it.

I got to call.

Waiter! Excuse me.

I'm calling

from the River Bistro.

We have a problem here.

I need someone right away.

This isn't working.

I know, what do we do?

Think.

Go stall.

Put this on here.

It's so much more fun

if you accessorize with color.

Lance.

Please, please forgive me.

I don't know.

I got to make sure that...

Front door, everyone.

Floor's wet.

Be careful, don't run.

Don't panic.

Front door. Don't panic.

Everybody out the front door.

Where's Holly? Holly?

We may be

in big trouble,

but that rocked!

I swear the CIA

should hire us.

Nobody saw anybody.

I mean, are we great,

or what?

Your uncle does

crossword puzzles in pen.

What?

And his kitchen is,

it's perfect.

So?

You know even though

he didn't say it out loud...

I know that he knows that

the moon isn't just a rock.

What are you

talking about?

There is such a thing

as the perfect man.

And I know exactly

who it is for my mom.

Who?

Your Uncle Ben.

What?

And now because

of my stupid scheme,

they can never meet.

I'm so beyond lost.

You were right.

I should have never bought

that orchid.

The whole thing was

just a huge mistake.

Hey.

I need to ask you

a huge favor.

Hi to you, too.

I need you to break up

with my mom for me.

When did I start

dating her?

Not as you.

As the perfect man,

Ben.

No way.

Come on. Please.

Just call her at 7:00,

put on a deep voice

and tell her it's over.

What's my reason?

Men never have reasons.

They just split.

Why can't you just

break up over e-mail?

Because that's too cold.

Besides, I want her

to hear his voice.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be

his voice.

It would be mine,

what with him

not existing and all.

Come on, you know

what I mean.

Please, Adam.

If I tell her

that this was all fake,

she'll be crushed.

And she'll never

forgive me.

But if he just dumps her,

that she's used to.

Hello?

There's no way I'm doing this.

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