The Perks of Being a Wallflower Page #2

And these a**holes,

they actually think they're being original.

So do you like football?

Love it. Love football.

Maybe you know my brother then.

Hey, Sam.

Question. Could the bathrooms

here be more disgusting?

Yes. They call it the men's room.

Oh. So I finally got hold of Bob.

Party tonight?

He's still trying to shag

that waitress from the Olive Garden.

He's never tossing that salad.

Come on!

Patrick.

Yeah?

Who's this?

This is-

Charlie Kelmeckis.

Kelmeckis?

No sh*t? Your sister's dating

Ponytail Derek, isn't she?

- God.

- Is that what they call him?

Would you leave Ponytail Derek alone?

You put the "ass" in "class," Patrick.

I try. Sam, I try.

It's nice to meet you, Charlie.

I'm Sam.

- What's the plan? Are we going to Mary Elizabeth's tonight?

- Nope.

She got caught watering down her parents'

brandy with iced tea.

Let's just go to Kings.

All right. We're goin' to Kings

after the game if you wanna come.

Do you have a favorite band?

Well, I think The Smiths are my favorite.

Are you kidding?

I love The Smiths. Best breakup band ever.

What's your favorite song?

"Asleep." It's from Louder than Bombs.

I heard it on Ponytail Derek's mix tape.

Oh, that works on so many levels.

I can make you guys a copy if you want.

- What about Eides? You love Eides, right?

- Yeah, of course. They're great.

Not a band, Charlie.

It's a record store downtown.

Things sound so much better on vinyl.

You know, I used to be popular

before Sam got me some good music.

So you be careful.

She'll ruin your life forever.

That's okay.

- Hey, Nothing.

- Hey, Nothing.

Let it go! Jesus!

It's an antique joke. It's over.

So what are you gonna do when you

get outta this place?

Well, my Aunt Helen said

I should be a writer...

but I don't know what I'd write about.

You could write about us.

Yeah! Call it Slut and the Falcon.

Make us solve crimes.

You guys seem really happy together.

How long have you been

boyfriend and girlfriend?

He's not my boyfriend. He's my stepbrother.

My mom finally left my worthless dad...

and married his nice dad

when we moved here.

But she's not bitter or anything.

Make no mistake.

Absolutely not. Charlie, I'm not a bulimic.

- I'm a bulim-ist.

- I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.

She just really believes in bulimia.

I love bulimia!

Hey. Thanks for paying, Charlie.

Oh, no problem. Thank

you guys for the ride.

Maybe I'll see you around in school?

- God, would you turn it down? You're gonna make us deaf.

- So be it. It's rock and roll.

Bye, Charlie!

- Bye, Charlie.

- Okay, bye.

Your mom says,

"Don't go to Columbia with Candace, Derek."

- Shut...

- "Don't go to Columbia!"

Do you always want to

be a mama's boy, Derek?

I am not a mama's boy!

You are, because

every single time I go to your house...

Every single time!

Shut up, Candace!

You just stand there

like a little b*tch dog.

No. Charlie...

Charlie, just go. I can handle it.

Just don't wake up Mom and Dad.

Hey! Look who's here.

Welcome home, Aunt Helen.

Look at you guys.

Dressed so nice.

Hey, Candace.

What are you doing?

Look, I egged him on. You saw it.

He's never hit me before, and I promise

you, he will never hit me again.

Like Aunt Helen's boyfriends?

Charlie, this is Ponytail Derek.

I can handle him.

Do you trust me?

Please, don't tell Mom and Dad.

Oh, my God, they're playing good music!

Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t! They are!

They're playing good music.

- Living room routine.

- Living room routine.

- Yes.

- Yes!

Excuse us. Excuse me. Pardon.

Sorry.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Poor old Johnny Ray

Sounded sad upon the radio

Moved a million hearts

in mono

Our mothers cried

- Sang along, who'd blame them?

- Come on, Eileen

Too-rye-loo-rye,

Too-rye-loo-rye-ay

And we can sing

just like our fathers

Come on, Eileen

- Oh, I swear

- What he means

At this moment

you mean everything

You in that dress

My thoughts, I confess

Verge on dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

Too-loo-rye-ay

Come on, Eileen

Too-loo-rye-ay

Now you're full grown

Now you have shown

Eileen

Come on, Eileen

These things they are real

and I know how you feel

Now I must say

more than ever

Things round here

have changed

I said, too-loo-rye

Too-loo-rye-ay

God, it's freezing!

But you wore that toasty costume.

It's not like it's cute or original.

- You'd hope it would be warm.

- Yeah, piss off, Tennessee Tuxedo.

Are you sure it's okay that I come?

Yeah, of course.

Just remember, Charlie, Bob's not paranoid.

He's sensitive.

Sam!

That waitress from the Olive Garden,

she was such a tease.

Will you marry me?

Only with Patrick's blessing.

Patrick?

You are a hopeless stoner

who attends the culinary institute.

I'm gonna say "no" on that,

but nice try. Charlie.

Oh, touch.

So, Charlie. This is a party.

This is what fun looks like.

Are you ready to meet some desperate women?

Here, have a seat.

Hey, ladies.

Meet Charlie.

- Hi.

- Meet ladies.

- Hey.

- Mary Elizabeth.

- Alice.

- Nice to meet you.

This is Charlie's first party ever.

So I expect nice, meaningful,

heartfelt blowj*bs from both of you.

- Patrick, you're such a dick.

- Where the hell did you go?

- The dance was a little boring, don't you think?

- You are so selfish.

We looked everywhere for you.

You could have told someone.

Cry me a river.

How is it that you've got meaner since

becoming a Buddhist?

Just lucky, I guess.

No, you're doing something wrong, I think.

Or something very right.

- Yeah, well...

- Hey!

Look who's here.

Is that Brad Hays?

Yeah. He comes here sometimes.

But he's a popular kid.

Then what are we?

Oh, Charlie! You look like

you could use a brownie.

Thank you.

I was so hungry at the dance.

I was gonna go to Kings...

but I didn't really have any time.

Thanks.

Have you guys felt this carpet?

This carpet feels so darn good.

Charlie, Charlie,

what do you think about high school?

High school?

Bullshit.

The cafeteria is called

the Nutrition Center.

People wear their letter jackets

even when it's 98 degrees out.

And why do they give out

letter jackets to marching band?

It's not a sport.

We all know it.

This kid is crazy.

Mary Elizabeth,

I think you're really gonna regret that...

you know-haircut when you

look back at old photographs.

Oh, my God!

I'm really sorry.

That sounded like a compliment in my head.

My God!

Well, it's kinda true.

Shut up!

I can't even be mad at him. Look at him.

Bob, did you get him stoned?

Come on, Sam, he likes

it, just look at him.

How do you feel, Charlie?

I just really want a milk shake.

Sam...

You have such pretty brown eyes.

The kind of pretty that deserves to make...

a big deal about itself though,

you know what I mean?

Okay, Charlie. Let me make the milk shake.

What a great word. Milk shake.

It's like when you say your name over

and over again in the mirror...

and after a while it sounds crazy.

So I'm guessing you've

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