The Perks of Being a Wallflower Page #5

They'll protect you.

It's gonna be our little secret.

Did your older friends pressure you?

No one pressured me, Officer.

I would never do drugs. Never.

Then how did you happen to be passed out

on the ground at 6:00 in the morning?

Well, I... I was really tired.

And I was feeling feverish...

so I went outside

for a walk just to get some cold air.

I started seeing things, so I passed out.

You're seeing things again, Charlie?

Not really.

Nice suit.

It was a Christmas present.

Did you have fun on your break?

More fun than you're gonna

have today, Sinatra.

Nice look, jag-off.

I've called him 30 times.

What are we supposed to do?

We're going on in 10 minutes.

- They said in health class-

- Hello?

They say that about

L.S.D.just to scare you.

- Are you sure? You know I've seen...

- Charlie, you're fine, man.

Guys, we have an emergency.

Craig has flaked out on us again.

So I need a Rocky.

Brad?

No. No way. No. I'm not...

There's people out there. No.

Charlie, take off your clothes.

Then if anything grows

While you pose

I'll oil you up and rub you down

Down, down, down

And that's just one small fraction

of the main attraction

You need a friendly hand

And I need action

Toucha toucha

toucha touch me

I wanna be dirty

Thrill me, chill me,

fulfill me

Creature of the night

Maybe I can join the cast

as an alternate or something.

Well, we're filled up now...

but they're gonna

need people when we go to college.

We could put in a good word for you.

That'd be great. Thanks.

Yeah.

Charlie...

Have you heard of the Sadie Hawkins dance?

The one where the girl asks the guy?

Obviously, it is completely stupid.

And sexist. I mean, it's like

"Hey, thanks for the crumb."

And normally, I would just blow it off,

because school dances suck torture.

But, you know, it's my last year and...

Would you maybe wanna go with me?

You wanna go with me?

Yeah, I'm sick of macho guys.

Plus you looked really

cute in your costume.

So what do you say?

You must be Mary Elizabeth.

Yes.

It's so nice to meet you.

You, too, Mrs. Kelmeckis.

Charlie tells me you're a Buddhist.

- Please, come in.

- Okay.

A little closer together.

That looks nice.

Buddhist, I need you to

smile a little bit more.

There you go. Nice.

Hey.

Hey.

Are you having a good time?

Not really. How about you?

I mean, I don't know.

It's my first date, I don't

have much to compare it to.

You're doing fine.

Sorry Craig couldn't come.

Yeah. He said he didn't want to go to

some stupid high school dance.

I can't say I blame him really.

I don't know.

If you like it, he should come.

Thanks, Charlie.

Have a beautiful first date.

You deserve it.

I'll try not to make you too jealous.

Now just let it breathe.

It sure is a nice house.

Thanks.

Don't you just love old music?

Yeah.

Good. 'Cause I made you a mix of it.

I'd love to expose you

to great things like...

Billie Holiday and foreign films.

This merlot is really fancy.

Yeah. My dad collects wine,

but he doesn't drink.

That's kinda weird, isn't it?

I guess. Where are your parents?

Their club's hosting

a cotillion or something racist.

They'll be gone all night.

Sure is a nice fire.

Yeah.

When I'm done being a lobbyist...

I wanna move to a house

like this in Cape Cod.

Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Your heart is beating really fast.

Is it?

Here. Feel.

Charlie?

Do you like me?

You know what I mean.

I think so.

Don't be nervous.

Charlie.

I didn't know how tonight

was gonna go, but...

It's really nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

I just can't believe it.

You, of all people.

I just can't believe you're my boyfriend.

Sh*t! My parents! Sh*t!

- Here, zip this up.

- Okay. No, I got this.

Just zip it up like a normal zipper!

It's stuck. It's just...

Thank you.

See you Monday.

Dear friend...

sorry I haven't written for a while...

but things are a total disaster.

We're literally making

out and I'm in my bra...

Hello!

And the front door opens, it's my parents!

I probably should have been honest about...

how I didn't want to go out with

Mary Elizabeth after Sadie's, but...

I really didn't want to hurt her feelings.

You see, Mary Elizabeth

is a really nice person...

underneath the part of

her that hates everyone.

Hey!

And since I heard that

having a girlfriend makes you happy...

I tried hard to love her like I love Sam.

Can you believe it's almost

our 2-week anniversary?

Yeah, I know.

So I took her on double dates.

First foreign film.

Do you want butter on your popcorn?

Vegans don't eat butter.

And I tried not to mind

that she loves to hold hands...

even when her hands are sweaty.

And I had to admit something

really upsetting, but...

I'm tired of touching her b*obs.

I thought maybe if she would just let me

pick the make-out music...

once in a while, we might have a chance.

And maybe if she didn't put down the books

that Mr. Anderson gives me.

Walden.

I read this in 7th grade.

I would have called it On Boring Pond.

Or if she would stop calling me the minute

I get home from school...

when I have absolutely nothing to talk

about other than the bus ride home.

Somehow she finds new things to say.

That dairy just sits with you.

You know, it walks with you.

She's on the phone right now?

Charlie, you've gotta break up with her.

I can do that?

For Christ's sake, I need to use the phone.

I got you this book.

It's really how I became a vegan.

I know I should have been honest...

but I was getting so mad,

it was starting to scare me.

I mean the way they treat those-

I just wish I could have

found another way to break up.

Mary Elizabeth, can I talk to you...

Charlie, please don't interrupt.

You know I hate that.

In hindsight, I probably

could not have picked...

a worse way to be honest with

Mary Elizabeth.

Truth or dare?

Who are you talking to?

I dare you to kiss Alice.

Gird your loins, procreator.

Oh, my God.

Mary Elizabeth, Samantha told me

that you got into Harvard. Congratulations.

Thank you. This one still

hasn't gotten me flowers.

But I forgive you.

Hey, don't worry about Penn State.

You're just wait-listed.

Yeah.

You guys are about to miss

some severely hot fag-on-goth action.

Get a room.

You're a monster.

My turn. Let's see.

Let's think. Charlie.

Truth.

How's your first relationship going?

It's so bad...

that I keep fantasizing

that one of us is dying of cancer.

So that I don't have to break up with her.

Charlie? Truth or dare?

Hello?

Dare.

Okay, I dare you

to kiss the prettiest girl in the room...

on the lips.

And notice I charitably said

"girl" and not "person"...

because, let's face it,

I'd smoke all you b*tches.

Oh, that's f***ed up.

Mary Elizabeth.

I'm so sorry.

It was a mistake, I'm sorry.

Sam? Sam?

I really didn't mean anything by it.

I'm sorry.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I should go back and apologize.

Charlie, trust me,

you don't wanna go back in there.

I'm really sorry.

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