The Pill

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THE PILL:

Sorry.

It's a new place.

Oh, wow.

This is... this is nice.

The rent's stabilized.

This is very nice.

What do you want to drink?

You know, I think i should

probably go.

Where are you going?

- Home.

You just got here.

Yeah. But...

I got to wake up early tomorrow morning,

do some stuff.

Some -- some laundry.

- You have a wife.

- What?

- You have a girlfriend.

- No. No.

Are you kidding me?

You th-- you think...

You actually think that i would

be here if i had a girlfriend?

Do you think i would

get this far?

Oh, i would hope not.

Yeah.

Let's have another drink.

Um... i don't know.

How do you play this?

I don't know this game.

I don't know any drinking games.

All right.

So, i say, like,

"i've never been to China,"

and if either of us

been to China,

then we drink.

Have you been to China?

This doesn't count.

I haven't been to China,

so i wouldn't drink.

I've never been to prison.

I let you off the hook.

You've never been to prison.

Couple parking tickets

here and there,

but never ended up in...

You paid them.

- Um... no boot.

- Always.

I've never had

a brother or a sister.

Two.

I thought so.

Brother and a sister.

You got me.

I've never been to grad school.

You and your little button-up shirt there?

No?

Um, i've never...

i'm gonna get you.

I've never, uh...

I've never crashed a car.

Really?

Everyone was okay?

There was no...

Yeah. I broke my finger.

Oh, god.

Oh, my god!

That's disgusting.

I know.

That's all that happened.

That's an unnatural angle.

Okay.

This one had better get you drinking.

I've never made out

in my parents' bedroom.

Yes! I got one!

You got me.

Oh, my god.

Okay. I got it.

Um, i've never...

...sucked a dick.

I think you better drink.

That was a good one.

Oh, god.

I got...

I got to go to the bathroom so bad.

I have to go to the bathroom so bad, okay?

- Stay here.

- Okay.

I'll be in the bathroom.

I'm stuck.

Oh, I'm stuck on you.

Oh, god.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no.

I'm stuck on you.

You're stuck on me.

Wow.

Jesus.

Have a safe flight.

See u soon miss u.

So... hmm?

I think i've got to go.

Okay.

Nobody's stopping you.

Yeah.

Um... i saw a condom

in your wastebasket,

and it kind of freaked me out, so...

i think it might be best

if i just leave... now.

I have a roommate, you know.

That's your roommate's condom?

Well, her boyfriend's in town.

She's not here right now,

so we don't have to whisper.

I'm gonna...

Hold on.

Hold on.

Oh, wait a second.

- Yeah.

- Wait a second.

Oh, hold on.

Hold on.

Wait a second, babe.

Yeah.

Okay. I got it.

I got it. One moment.

One moment. Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Mindy.

Mindy?

Oh, my god.

Oh, f***.

Wait a minute.

You feel so good.

I don't have a condom on.

Just go with it.

I don't...

i'm gonna cum.

I'm gonna -- i'm gonna cum.

Okay.

I'm... where?

Hey.

Hey, are you awake?

No.

No?

I just want to...

I want to make sure

everything was okay.

Yeah?

All right, so...

I mean, everything's cool?

Everything is good.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

'Cause, you know,

i know that we didn't use a condom

last night,

so i didn't...

i want to make sure...

You know?

You felt amazing.

I need more sleepy time.

Yeah.

Well, just remember to take your

contraception thing.

Contraceptive?

The, um...

pill -- pill thing you take.

What pill?

The... you know,

the pill in the little round thing.

The one-a-day thing.

That pill.

I'm not on any pills.

You're not on the pill?

Oh, you mean "the pill."

Yeah.

Yeah. The pill.

I'm not on that.

Are you serious?

Yeah. I'm catholic.

You -- you're what?

The religion with the pope.

Wait -- wait. Hold on.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.

Okay, we had unprotected sex

last night,

i came inside of you,

and you are not on the pill?

Are you -- are you kidding?

There's nothing to worry about.

I know my body.

I'm not ovulating.

How do you know your body, huh?

Does it come with an instruction manual?

No, you smartass.

I'm in touch with myself,

and i know i'm not ovulating.

Okay.

You just had your period?

- Yeah.

- Great.

How many days ago?

Oh, my...

Please. Please. I'm sorry.

Just, uh, you know,

kind of put my mind at rest.

Okay!

All right.

What was the question?

How many days ago

did you have your period?

Um... what is today?

Seven...

11 days.

11 days since the start

of your last period?

Since the end... i think.

Okay.

Um, okay.

That's not a big deal.

We are just gonna

have to go to the pharmacy

and get the morning-after pill.

Baby, there's nothing to worry about.

I'm not pregnant.

Now come back to sleep.

I just really think we should get the

morning-after pill.

I'm not taking any pill.

I can't -- i'm sorry.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe this.

You held me inside of you.

You should have put on a condom.

Look. I -- i was asleep and aroused,

and i woke up,

and you mounted me.

Oh, please.

I am so sorry you got laid last night.

You -- you lied to me!

How did i lie to you?

The act of holding me inside of you was

an act of lying.

It implied that you were protected

and i didn't need to use,

you know, any kind of pulling-out method.

Baby, i didn't want you to pull out.

But you're not on the pill.

Why would you want me to cum inside of you?

Because i wanted us to feel close.

We're going to the pharmacy.

I'm not killing a life with some abortion pill.

That's against my beliefs.

Okay. Okay. Yep.

Then, um, so what are you -- what are you saying?

You're saying that if you...

if you were pregnant...

you would, um...

Of course i would have the baby.

Wouldn't you?

emergency contraception

So, it's basically the same thing

as the regular pill,

but a higher dose,

so no hypothetical baby,

which, you know,

probably doesn't even exist,

is going to be aborted.

Now, there is a pharmacy two blocks away,

so we'll go there.

I will pay for it,

and then we can take it

and just put this whole thing behind us.

No. It'll make me all sick and

crazy with hormones,

like when i used to take birth control.

I thought catholics aren't allowed

to take birth control.

That's why i realized

it's not right for me.

Okay. Wait. Wait a minute.

So, it wasn't right for you

because it made you sick,

or because it conflicted

with your beliefs?

Why are you interrogating me?

Uh, sorry.

You're roommate is a girl,

correct?

Why does that matter?

I'm sure that she can listen

to the facts, and...

I have a confession to make.

I don't have a roommate.

I used to, but now i live alone.

Wow.

Okay, then the condom in your wastebasket,

that means that that condom is your condom.

Yes. Well, no.

I mean, it's not mine.

I didn't -- he used it, but...

Unbelievable. You lied to me.

So, because i had sex

with somebody else, now i'm a whore?

No. Oh, come on, please.

That's not what i'm saying, okay?

I'm just saying,

how am i supposed to believe you

when you say you're not ovulating

if you lied about

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