The Return of the Musketeers

[ Man ]

They've stolen the king!

[ Crowd murmuring ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

[ Gasp ]

How much longer? Come on.

Yours was the chicken

and yours was the chicken.

Mmm, mmm.

Hey, what are you doin' up there?

Hmm?

[ humming ]

Oh, I see.

[ indistinct chatter ]

[ laughing, indistinct chatter ]

[ sniff, sniff ]

- Ah! - Keep it off the table.

Somebody's got to clean that.

[ indistinct chatter ]

Hmph!

No, no, don't tickle me.

Don't tickle me.

Oy, oy, what do you call this?

Chicken. Idiot.

[ indistinct chatter ]

[ man ]

I said friends, friends.

- [ grunting ]

- This tastes like the pudding.

[ man ]

I just want something to drink.

[ woman indistinct ]

[ indistinct chatter ]

Oh, hello.

Hello.

[ man ] Oh no.

Good evenin'. Stop it.

Oh!

What's the matter with it? To you.

Good morning.

Have you a table away from the fire?

Get out of here!

Certainly.

Gaston, Gaston!

Come here!

He's been interfering

with my ox, that man.

Must go, must fly.

Busy, busy.

All right.

Get 'em up!

Here you, get off of there.

Mind my cabbage.

[ man ]

Frenchmen!

Brothers of the Fronde!

We demand an end to misrule.

An end to corruption!

An end to cardinal Mazarin.

We demand the release of the people's

champion! To hell with Mazarin!

The duke of Beaufort!

- Down with Mazarin!

- Mazarin, god save him.

[ man ] All Paris seemed to be in a

foul temper that summer, I remember.

Damning Mazarin,

cheering for Beaufort.

As if it mattered which

lordly rascal misruled France...

In the name of little king Louis.

Well, it was all one to me, D'Artagnan,

the forgotten lieutenant,

waiting at palace doors

like a lackey.

Remembering those

brave times long ago

when we defeated

the great cardinal of Richelieu,

the three musketeers and I,

heroes of yesterday.

[ chuckling ]

Now only I was left,

the shabby,

downward-heeled soldier.

A sad relic of the old days...

And a source of some amusement

to the young fops of the court.

Until that day when

cardinal Mazarin sent for me...

And offered me employment.

He needed men with long swords

and short purses, he said.

Well, mine was short enough.

I was to seek out my old comrades,

Athos, Aramis and Porthos,

whom I hadn't seen in 20 years

and hire them for his service.

Dirty work no doubt, but old

soldiers can't be choosers.

[ crowd chanting ]

Down with Mazarin!

Down with Mazarin!

I wonder if they'll break

the cardinal's windows again.

I do hope so.

Who cares? It's just politics.

Oh! The duchess of Longueville

is on her back again.

I'm not at all surprised.

[ laughing ]

...Four, five, six.

One, two, three,

four, five, six.

[ clicking tongue ]

See, one, two, three --

when I'm grown up,

I shall not allow politics.

So they'd better smash Mazarin's

windows while they have the chance.

[ crowd chanting ] Down with Mazarin!

Down with Mazarin!

- Down with Mazarin! Down with Mazarin!

- Louis, that is naughty.

Down with Mazarin!

[ clearing throat ]

You interrupt our pleasure,

cardinal.

A thousand pardons, sire.

I thought I heard my name.

May I be permitted to address

her majesty, your mother?

Have you begged an audience?

Louis!

The cardinal is your prime minister.

And it's time for your afternoon nap.

[ crowd chanting ]

We want Beaufort!

[ crowd chanting ] We want Beaufort!

We want Beaufort!

Soon he will be

too big to send to bed.

Then your pretty

little niece will lead him.

Until then, you and I

must rule France together.

Close together.

[ crowd shouting ]

Oh! That rabble!

Filth! Middle class!

[ Mazarin ]

Let them burst their lungs.

Monsieur Beaufort is safe

in the dungeon of Ardennes.

I have found the perfect jailer

for him. Come and look, dear.

[ Mazarin ] Down there.

Do you recognize him?

He was rotting in the Bastille,

where you sent him, my dear.

Rochefort! Richelieu's creature? That

reptile! They would've destroyed me.

That was 20 years ago and he's been

buried alive for five of them.

Now he has only one loyalty, fresh air.

And with half of France

against me, I need him.

And every good agent I can find.

Men like those musketeers,

who served you so well

in the old days.

Hmm, musketeers,

those noisy ruffians.

They had their uses. One of them

made love to my dressmaker.

The silly slut got herself strangled.

I looked like a scarecrow for weeks.

[ chuckling ]

I gave him this ring

and the fellow pawned it.

That would be D'Artagnan.

[ D'Artagnan ]

Of course I'd pawned it.

Did she think I'd been

living on memories?

That ring was all the reward

we four musketeers had got

for saving her honour long ago...

And ruining ourselves when we

killed her enemy, milady Dewinter.

They called us murderers.

We were disgraced, scattered...

And now 20 years after,

this slippery cardinal

was bidding for our swords.

Silver? Skinflint.

Perhaps I should be grateful to him for

on that day began the last adventure...

When the four of us were all

for one and one for all again!

[ indistinct chatter ]

Your servant, ma'am.

Oh!

My god! Planchet!

Hide me, master.

Oh, god.

[ man ] She said, take me to the market.

That's what she said.

I said, what, with these knees?

Oh! Oh!

[ woman ] Put that back.

Excuse me, sir.

Have you seen a fat scoundrel?

Paris is full of them.

And of impudent upstarts.

I was only asking.

You were pawing like a peasant.

Well, I should have known.

A musketeer, brave

cloaks and bad manners.

Can't you swaggering sword bullies

even answer an honest question?

You're unarmed. I'm busy.

You're lucky.

Go away!

Where the devil

have you been anyway, huh?

Ten years ago I sent you out to buy

cheese. You never came back.

Well?

They were shut. Has he gone?

So, you cut purses now, do you?

I never. I was hungry.

I've been starving for years.

Oh, quiet! Quiet! Quiet.

Wait, wait.

[ groaning ]

Your fat carcass might be worth feeding

if you can tell me where I can find...

Monsieur Athos? Monsieur Porthos?

Uh-huh! Uh-uh!

Monsieur Aramis?

Mmm! Mmm!

Well, answer, you fowl feeder.

Monsieur Aramis is a priest in the

convent and the queen's confessor.

Dear Aramis, the duellist,

the lover, the dandy,

who always wanted to be a priest.

[ D'Artagnan ] So, you got your wish.

Well, come on, blubberguts.

Let's go and disturb him

at his devotions.

[ rooster crowing ]

[ giggling ]

[ dog whining ]

No, thank you.

[ man ]

Shhh! Shhh!

This is one conquest monsieur

l'abb won't live to boast about.

Come on, get up there.

I'm tired.

Oh, stop whining, Planchet.

Look, horsemen.

Oh, very good, master.

Let me at him first.

It's an ambush.

Yeah, it's an ambush.

Not for us, I'm afraid. It's a long

time since I was worth assassinating.

Oh!

[ woman laughing ]

[ woman ]

How was it for you?

Thought as much!

Oh!

[ dog whining ]

My husband?

You there, sir, be off

about your business.

Mind your manners.

Do you own the highway? What!

What do you want here?

Marguerite, what are you doing here?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes