The Revenant Page #8

Yeah! What do you think, huh?

Oh, an endless bevy of bodacious

apple-bottomed booty,

a lifetime of debauchery.

The vigilante gunslingers

do Las Vegas.

What's the problem?

What is it?

Janet

What about Janet?

BART:
I didn't mean to.

What happened to Janet? Huh?

JOEY:
What happened to Janet?

She wanted me to do it.

She... She begged me to do it

and l...l got carried away.

What did you do, Bart?

What did you do to Janet, Bart?

You a**hole. You stupid c*nt.

What's the matter with you?

It wasn't my fault.

She wanted me to do it.

It was a f***ing accident.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Well, you are going

to have to cut off her head.

What?

You want her to be like us?

Is that what you want?

You want her to come

back from the dead

and roam the earth

in Search of human blood?

You don't have self-control.

She loves you and

you use her for food.

(SCOFFS)

You are such an a**hole.

I slept with her.

What?

I f***ed Janet after your funeral.

She was looking for a shoulder

to cry on and I f***ed her.

You?

(LAUGHS) Bullshit.

Bull-f***ing-sh*t. F*** you.

(WHISPERS) She was

all over me, dude.

She was all over me, dude.

We came back here, got drunk,

and then we screwed.

(CHUCKLES) We did it all night.

It was crazy. We were like demons.

You f***ed my girlfriend?

After I died, you f***ed my girlfriend?

What do you care? You were

never gonna marry her.

She waited for you to come home

so that you could marry her.

But you were never

gonna marry her,

whether or not you came home alive.

You've been draining her blood

way before you killed her.

You've been a vampire for years.

You f***ed Janet.

You killed Janet.

Oh. You're gonna shoot me?

Yeah.

Huh?

You're gonna shoot me?

Well, come on and do it, f*ggot.

Do it.

I will.

I want you to shoot me.

Come on. Do it, cockbag.

(SINGS) I'd f***ed your girlfriend

I'd f***ed your girlfriend... I'd

Shut up. Shut the f*** up.

You were my best friend

and you f***ed my girlfriend.

What we did wasn't f***ing.

No, no, no. It was more than that.

She had all this pent-up

remorse up inside her.

She had to get it

out of her somehow.

That's where I came in

and I came in.

That's right. She was...

She was like an animal.

She was like a cat. It was f***ing dirty.

It was f***ing nasty.

It was insane.

Shut the f*** up.

(BANG)

Oh, you're such a dick.

(JOEY GRUNTS)

You f***ing douche-bag.

You were aiming for my head.

Oh, yeah?

(CROCKERY CLATTERS)

OW! F***!

That was my f***ing ear.

You f***ing shot my ear.

Ow! F*** you.

(BANG!)

Oh, f***.

(SHOUTS) Sh*t.

F***ing cockmonger.

(YELLS)

JOEY:
Cockmonger?

Jeez.

(JOEY PANTS) You're a Judas.

Ow! You... Stop shooting me.

You are the worst friend.

(GROANS)

BART:
F*** you, dick.

(YELLS)

(PANTS BREATHLESSLY)

F...

B*tch.

(GROANS)

Shooting your balls.

(SPITS AND BURPS)

(RUMMAGING)

Hey, hey. No.

What happened to us?

You happened to us.

(GURGLES)

(BART SPLUTTERS)

Find your own ride

into the afterlife.

Joey's going to Las Vegas.

(KNOCKING ON CEILING)

Go to sleep, Mrs Agmanic.

There's nothing to see here.

(POIGNANT MUSIC)

(BART BREATHES HEAVILY)

Alright.

(SQUELCHING)

(DISTANT SIRENS)

(POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES)

MAN:
Freeze!

(SIREN WAILS)

(HELICOPTER HOVERS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(REPORTERS SPEAK ALL AT ONCE)

JOEY:
Hey, baby. How are you doing?

Get in the car, huh?

You want to party?

You want to party?

It's hot in here.

I got too much money.

Get in the f***ing car, hon.

(TYRES SQUEAL) What the f***?

Get the f*** out of my... You guys

do not want to f*** with me.

Do you understand?

MAN:
Get out!

What the f***?

F***ing... You...

I'll f***ing kill you. F***.

What the f***

is going on? Holy sh*t.

Who the f*** are you guys?

What the f***?

Surprise, surprise, homie.

We been looking all over for you.

Remember me, ese?

Oh, yeah. Benny. Gay kid from gym

class. Look at you. You filled out.

(PUNCHES) (GROANS) oh, f***.

I want you to take

a close look at me, man.

Look at my f***ing eyes.

Oh, yuck. Oh. Should

have used more rocks.

That's right, man.

You didn't figure it out, did you?

F***, man. It took me

a long time too, man.

But you got to out off the heads

before they come back to life, homie.

You got to cut off the head.

I woke up in a f***ing lake, man.

Fishes were eating my eyelids.

God, it's disgusting.

I'm a f***ing freak, man.

Can I be honest? You look great.

You wear it well.

Shut the f*** up, man.

I got a family, homie. You know that?

Two daughters, ese. Mi vieja.

How's my f***ing jefita

gonna see me, man?

She's gonna have

a f***ing heart attack.

(SHOUTS) You made me like this.

I did not do this, man.

You did this!

No, I did not. I did not do this.

My f***ing friend did that to you.

And he's not even my friend anymore.

He's a f***ing a**hole.

But I'm gonna find him for you

and I'm gonna tell him,

Important safety tip...

we got to cut off the heads

before they come back to life.

I'll tell him.

You tell him that, homie.

JOEY:
Uh-huh.

But I'm gonna show you

one last thing.

OK.

(GROANS) Oh, God. What are

you f***ing doing, guys?

Let's just talk about this, huh?

Let's not do things we're

going to regret tomorrow!

You want to talk, homie?

You want to talk?

Come on!

I can't hear you.

You want to talk?

What do you want to talk about?

Oh, f*** this. I'm gonna leave.

I'm just gonna get out of here.

Ready?

Oh, Jesus.

On three. On three.

On three. You ready? One.

Jesus f***ing Christ.

(JOEY WHIMPERS)

(JOEY MOANS)

(SPLUTTERS)

(COUGHING)

What the f***?

What the... What the f***?

(BREATHES HEAVILY) Sh*t.

What the...

Jesus. Do they do this

to me on purpose?

(CRASH!)

OW!

Hello.

(YELLS)

(SCREAMS)

(GAGS)

Sh*t.

(PANTS BREATHLESSLY)

OK. Oh, f***. Oh, f***.

Oh, my f***ing...

F***.

Joey? Joey?

Joey!

Oh, f***, Joey.

What the f***, Joe?

What the f***!

What the f***?

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Who the f*** would

do this to you, man?

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

What's that? What's that?

Mi... Miaow?

Huh? What? Who?

(VIBRATING)

(VOICE VIBRATES)

You gotta be kidding me.

Ohhh.

Ohhh.

You're such a dick.

Dude, what the f***?

Where'd you find this? Your purse?

I should have chopped off your head

when I had the chance.

Who the f*** would do this to you?

Miguel. Miguel did this to me.

Miguel?

Miguel?

The gangbanger.

Oh, the gangbanger? What the f***?

I thought we killed him.

I told you we needed

to use more rocks.

You gotta get out of here

before they come here and do

a Daniel Pearl on your ass too.

(LAUGHS)

F***ing sh*t.

If anybody needs a belt

right now it's you, huh?

Oh, f***, Joey.

What are we going to do?

(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)

What's that, buddy?

(VIBRATING)

What's that?

Bart, you gotta kill me.

What's that?

You gotta kill me, man.

You want me to kill you?

I can't go through eternity talking with

a f***ing dildo on my throat.

How the f***...

Bart. Bart, you got to figure out

a way to kill me.

Figure it out.

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