The Right Kind of Wrong

1

I've been writing a blog

about how much you suck.

What's it called?

Why You Suck dot net.

- It's a clear title.

- Are you gonna read it?

- Nope.

- Our friends think it's hilarious.

If you don't read it, I won't just email

it with a password to people we know.

- I'll make it public.

- Go nuts, Jules.

Stuff it up your blog.

Love dies. All of it.

Which is why you should

never give your cats names

like Snow and Balls.

Because when she leaves...

you'll get Balls.

How do I know

Some men die

In a fall

Not trusting their nose

To show them the way?

How do I know

If I love you

When all these things

Come and go?

You can't stand them together

In some neat little row

So how do I know?

How do I know? How do I know?

Whoo-hoo

Whoo-hoo

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo

How do I know?

If I know you?

How do I know

If I love you?

When you've drawn that imaginary line

The way that you're walking

Two steps behind?

How do I know

If I love you?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

How do I know?

Whoo-hoo

Whoo-hoo

No one was more surprised than me.

Believe me.

Why You Suck has become

the template for people

asking themselves:

is their partner wrong for them?

Tell me about the moment you realized

that your husband was that for you.

Well, I sold real estate,

so that he could write, and I hated it.

But, you know, I believed in him.

And every day I would climb

to the top of this mountain

to watch the sunset.

And then, one day,

when I was standing up there,

I realized that I had

never done it with him.

He was afraid of heights.

And it was my favourite thing

and we'd never once shared it.

Heartbreaking.

- Clarity.

- What does Leo think of all of this?

- Oh, he's still never read it.

- Do you really believe that?

- Believe it.

- Yes!

He has this amazing ability

to just ignore criticism...

which, you know, I admired at first.

And then I came to see it

as his worst trait.

What does make him angry?

He was the writer.

I have news, Jules:

writing a blog does not make you a writer.

- Speaking of, you have some news.

- Yes, I do.

Next month Random House

is releasing Why You Suck, the book.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- That's amazing. - I know. It's incredible.

- Did you ever expect?

No. Never in my wildest dreams.

Dad wanted us to come over.

We're supposed to say:

because we think you're cool,

like an uncle.

But we won't lie to you

and tell you:
don't watch Julie

on TV and want to kill yourself again.

I never wanted to kill myself.

Hey, there's a wedding!

Wow! They look rich.

We could make fun of

their need to display that.

Ravi and Pia are gifted,

which sounds cool, but really,

you don't want kids to be too clever.

- A grown man in pyjamas?

- I know! It's embarrassing.

Hey, I could teach you to throw.

Like you know!

You throw like a g...

No, mine!

Gimme, gimme!

Get off!

- He said I throw like a girl!

- Well, you are a girl.

Here's how you throw a football!

For Ravi, that punt fixed in his mind

an ideal of the woman

he wanted to marry one day.

Pia, a firm believer in role models,

saw the woman she wanted to become.

And me. I just knew.

Alright! You guys

gotta go home now.

Leo's other worst trait

was unrealistic dreams.

Things that would just

take hold of him all of a sudden.

Absurd things.

Impossible things.

Things that everyone...

Colette, Danny,

you have given and pledged

your promises to each other

and have declared your everlasting

love by exchanging the rings.

- Who are you rooting for? Bride or groom?

- Groom.

I volunteer at his camp for kids.

I also managed his fan mail

when he skied at the Olympics.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Shove over.

- You may kiss the bride.

- It's like a fairy tale!

- Oh, for Christ's sake.

What the hell is she thinking?!

I thought she was knocked up

when she told me

they were getting married.

It's just so fast! Four months?

It's a rebellion.

Other kids dream of bucking the stranglehold

of middle class convention. But Colette?

Some little part of her always wanted in.

Oh...

She got in, all right.

As his boss, I can tell you that Danny

is a terrific attorney.

But as his dad, as his father,

I can tell you how proud I am

of Camp Awesome Times,

the camp he founded

for underprivileged kids...

Get to the part where he meets the girl!

That's what they came for.

Ha. No, thanks.

Don't smoke. Get paranoid.

Lovely, isn't she?

What makes you think

that this, and this...

isn't what she really wants?

The roses.

She hates roses.

Hates flowers, period.

Except sunflowers.

If I'd seen sunflowers when I came

here, maybe I'd believe, this.

- So why's she doing it?

- Issues with her mother.

Her dad was this handsome war journalist.

Also her mom's professor.

Also a complete sh*t.

When Colette was 10,

her mom stole the money he

was hiding from the government

and took her to live in a hotel in London.

They biked in Hyde Park,

went to the theater...

Not that she remembers those times.

What does she remember?

Sneaking out of the hotel in the middle

of the night when the cash ran out.

She'll never forgive me.

For those of you who don't

know me, my name is Troy Cooper.

- This is Troy Garnet.

- Troy!

We've been best friends with

Danny since junior nationals.

Danny and I made the

Olympic team, Garnet didn't.

But, you know, while we got

to ski all over the world,

you got to hang out in your

parents' basement and smoke hash.

Um, what I wanted to get to,

what I wanted to say to you, Colette:

you are so lucky to be

with a man like Danny.

Danny, I love you.

Hi.

Your mom thinks you rushed into this.

Mothers.

- They're so often right.

- Not mine.

I'm sorry, who are you?

- Leo Palamino.

- Hi, Leo.

Do you want to get a coffee sometime?

Or a drink?

Dance? Charcuterie plate?

Everyone's big into those these days.

This is my wedding.

We all have baggage.

Sorry.

I got cornered by some guys

I haven't seen since Dartmouth.

Hey!

Glad you could make it.

Obviously the guest list

is a little lopsided.

- I blame this lone wolf.

- He's not your friend?

Never seen him before in my life.

Not true.

Last year you chased me up 17th.

I lost you in the alley.

You're the guy.

You keyed my car!

- Your Hummer. Yes.

- You had a Hummer?

Just for a few months.

You have to be kind of

a dick to drive a Hummer.

And you should not be with a dick.

You should be with me.

This is a joke, right?

No.

Whoa-hoa!

- God!

- Holy sh*t, that hurt!

That guy just hit on my wife!

Garnet, Cooper, stop him!

- Get that guy!

- Oh!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

The Troys.

I think I'm gonna kick him;

really wail on him, if that's cool.

Dude, I'm a lawyer. I don't

think we should kick him.

Danny, come on! We have

the moral high ground here.

I feel like you guys

just need to make a decision.

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