The Right Kind of Wrong Page #2

Wait, people have pointed

this guy out to me.

Wasn't your wife the real estate

chick who wrote the blog?

Ex.

- Didn't she get a book deal, too?

- Bro, that's gotta hurt.

Nothing like he's gonna hurt when

I pulverize him. Piece of sh*t!

Cooper, stop!

He's been kicked enough.

Just get off our property.

Ha.

I know you miss Snow.

But you gotta get yourself together.

And Balls?

For the first time,

I know it's possible.

That guy's wife wrote the blog.

I know. Can you believe

he kept doing this dead-end job?

Julie's blog meant there were no shortage

of strongly-felt opinions

about my choices.

Usually, I tell them off.

At least for their lame attempt

at hushed tones.

But... not today.

'Morning, kitchen.

- 'Morning, Leo.

- Hup!

Is this some weird

calm before the storm...

before you really freak out?

- Julie's book deal.

- No. Not gonna freak out.

You wanna know why?

I met someone.

That's fantastic! Where?

- A wedding.

- Whose?

Hers.

Don't you have a school

to be ridiculed at?

Granted, there

are obstacles. But...

it's time for a new theme.

I saw him again today.

My bear.

The product of a rare recessive gene,

2,000 miles from their only habitat.

Beautiful things that seem

impossible happen every day.

Heads up!

Good to have you back, man!

Julie never understood

why I don't hate my job.

Dish washing gives results

that are immediate.

Lacking in longer-term pursuits,

like writing a novel, or pursuing a woman.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, sweetheart, thank you.

I know I said it didn't matter...

and it mattered so much to your mom...

but I did kind of hate the roses.

- These aren't from me.

- What?

"I hate it when we are apart.

Leo Palamino."

Is he out of his f***ing mind!?

You are out of your f***ing mind!

I love that she doesn't like roses.

- They're the attorneys of the flower world, don't you think?

- Hey.

Neil's irritable because I won't let

him see my paintings for my new show.

No, babe, I'm irritable

because my best friend's

an idiot, and I just

put sunglasses on a marmot.

Oh...

Neil's Big Horn Books published my book.

The, colossal failure of which meant

he had to make money fast.

And so was born the Big Horn Honker,

a mix of local news and

heartwarming wildlife trivia.

But mostly a way for local bars

to advertise drink specials.

- Show him, Neil.

- No, Jill. Don't encourage it.

You think he's not gonna find her?

Okay.

Here you go. She runs

that weird tour company.

I've heard these are actually cool.

Oh! Well, it actually doesn't matter,

'cause she's actually married.

Married-married. So, you know,

it hasn't worn off yet.

Leo, punch that man in the throat.

I think he ate my husband.

- Dude.

- Oh!

Thanks to a congenital defect,

she has three of those.

Jill and Neil are

obsessed with taking disgusting

way too intimate pictures of

each other with their phones.

Hey, man, lock up.

I have to violate my wife.

- Where are you gonna go? In here?

- No.

To be their friend

is to be party to a lot of

alarming foreplay

for sex you'll never have.

They make me believe in love.

Your wife wrote that blog, right?

There were benefits to my notoriety.

You're a major pop culture reference.

My friends back home

won't believe I met you.

A notoriety aided by

dollar-a-shot Wednesdays.

Of which I am king.

My My friend won't believe I met you.

Mmhmm. Your friend back home?

No. My friend over there.

You're aces at that, mate.

Okay. Gotta pee.

I get wicked bladder infections.

Yes, there are worse ways

to mourn the loss of a relationship.

But sex with strangers,

even leggy, weirdly vocal ones

with a blas attitude,

is an alienating excuse for love.

Especially when you know

it's possible again.

Where are we?

I told mom and dad we'd pick

up their wedding gift today.

Hey!

I missed you guys!

Yeah, come here.

Good to see you.

Why are the dogs here?

Who lives here?

Us.

Your parents bought us a house.

They had a designer furnish it. Of

course, anything you don't like will go.

It's not that.

It's all beautiful.

- We just can't take it.

- Why?

Well, I didn't.

We didn't earn it.

Oh, my God. I forgot.

We live in a

black-and-white world

where things are very simple.

Shut up. I'm serious.

I am too.

And in this simple world,

if we didn't earn something

by the sweat of our brow, we

just, we can't possibly enjoy it.

Though we both know the world

is not simple like that.

You know, it was a mistake.

We can give it all back.

- You brought these here?

- Yeah.

I figured if your mom sends you

them, they're important.

Even if you are mad at her right now.

You're amazing.

You know that?

Leo Palamino!

- Yes.

- Last time I saw you, you were downtown.

- Yeah.

- Between my legs.

- Yeah.

- Sucking my oyster.

You know, I like to keep the disturbing

euphemisms to the heat of the moment.

Kinda old-fashioned

that way.

Yeah. Got it, mate.

But if there was a licensing

board for muff diving...

Could I get a ticket?

Good afternoon everyone.

Hi.

And welcome to the tour.

Let's get started!

Word is, to get zoning approval

for this abomination,

the company slipped

600 grand to Councilman Ryan

Debrugan last Christmas Eve.

Oh!

- Who is that?

- Councilman Debrugan.

Nice.

Hear it?

That river has been flowing

over a million years.

It's my favourite natural wonder

here, even if you have to

lie in a parking lot to hear it.

Just imagine...

a river...

in total darkness.

Now, before I tell you about the bodies

found under the floor when the hermit died,

any questions?

I'm kidding!

He was just a normal hermit.

Built model trains, talked to the animals.

He died holding a picture of a girl he

loved in his youth.

But seriously, any questions?

He's got a question.

That's weird.

I didn't notice him.

What gave you the idea for the tours?

II moved a lot growing up.

And the first thing we'd do in a

new place was go to a local bar

and get the lowdown.

You don't learn about a place

from the brochures.

Life is messy.

And that's its beauty.

He doesn't deserve you.

You know nothing

about Danny. Or me.

I know guys like him, you know?

So, he's lucky, so comfy in his own skin.

And he has really good taste.

I mean, who wouldn't with all

that fancy, worldly experience?

I mean, this guy, he doesn't

just want a hot wife...

he wants a hot, interesting wife.

So this is what he does:

he ditches his Hummer to impress you.

You are incredibly judgmental.

- Sometimes you just know about a person.

- You don't know this:

that punt that made you notice

me because you're so sexist

you think it's wild a girl can do that.

Danny, the love of my life,

taught me that.

Touch.

Shall we?

You know, it is kind of sexist, you

thinking her kicking a football is cool.

- It is cool. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- My wife flies.

That's cool.

Also she made my ball sack

a Twitter account.

Whoo-hoo!

- I hate when she dips like that.

- Leo, you're afraid of heights,

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