The Right Kind of Wrong Page #3

not of other people being up high.

Hey, did I tell you? Colette's

husband is a friend of Garnet's

whose gallery is showing Jill's paintings.

- The ones she won't show you?

- Yeah. And I don't get it, you know?

She always shows me her work first, not-not

that Garnet's a bad guy, you know, if you're

into rich guys with chiseled

good looks who work out.

"Hi, I'm Neil's ball sack."

Oh!

That's just wrong, man.

I don't want your balls on my phone.

If they say wise or

hilarious things you do.

"It's dark in here

and Neil's jeans stink."

He's harmless.

Just annoying.

I've dealt with

my share of nuts on the tour.

I just told Kingsley not to

sell him any more tickets.

Good. I had Cooper

look into him.

He's a failed writer.

He rents a house from

a company I do legal for.

To retaliate would be like,

um, punching a puppy.

You, Danny Hart, have

a good one. You know that?

You ever think of doing

anything other than the tour?

- What?

- Like you said, you-you know,

you're exposed, to anyone.

You know, now that we're settled you can do

anything you want, even go back to school.

But I love what I do.

I hated school.

I just want you to know

you have options, that's all.

Well, so do you.

You don't have to be a lawyer.

Point taken.

Why'd you hate school?

Schools.

I'd always just get settled

and then we'd move.

My entire childhood

was like being on the...

outside of an inside joke.

Well, if you would have come to my school,

I would have invited you

to the cool kids' table.

What?

I love that you brought these here.

But I've been drinking from

these stupid mismatched cups

my entire life.

And you have no idea

the thrill these give me.

She's moving from an

Airstream in the woods!

One more reason she's way too

interesting to be with that...

Lawyer-Olympian-

camp for kids founder?

- What are you doing?

- Pretending to deliver the Honker while I spy on my wife.

Look at him. Giving her thoughts

on her work, sharing a laugh.

I give her feedback.

Feedback is our thing.

- I'm sure she has her reasons.

- Oh, yeah, I'm sure she does.

Look at me. I wanted to publish

books. Niche work with integrity.

Instead, I publish something more

people urinate on than read.

Sh*t!

They saw us. great!

Move your bike. Look, try not to act like the

dick who crashed his best friend's wedding.

- Hi! Hey, babe!

- Hey, hon.

- Hey, here are your Honkers, man.

- Hi. Okay. Okay. Leo.

- Jill.

- You look different. Not on your back, whimpering.

Oh, half-of-the-Troys,

can we start over?

That is a gorgeous scarf.

I've been looking everywhere

for a white silk scarf.

- Leo, shut up.

- Great work.

- We'll talk soon.

- Great.

- Thanks for that, Leo, you child.

- Child? Really?

Recent tweets from your husband's balls.

"I itch.

"Neil won't stop touching me.

"Anyone have a good recipe for salmon?

I...

What's that?

My new theme.

It's what I'm in with Colette.

The key:
seemingly

chance encounters

where she sees how right

we are for each other.

When I met Poojah, she was betrothed

to a bricklayer's

son-cum-internet millionaire.

- So what did you do?

- Challenged him to a duel.

Jesus. You duelled him?

No. I just love how you believe

any crazy sh*t I say about India.

No, what you need to do is

show her something you can do.

Something great, that, no one else can.

- What would that be?

- Heads up.

We've got some new ideas for the tour.

That woman wrote in again

about her racy doll collection

and another guy sent in

a picture of his penis...

- with times it'll be available for viewing.

- That was nice of him.

But this one's actually interesting.

"To whom it may concern:

"I am writing to inform you of a

unique and wonderful colleague

of mine who would make a

great attraction on your tour."

For sure.

It's the Mary Jane.

I'm coming. I'm coming!

- Know where I can get some schlook?

- Maybe a White-Haired Lady?

"The Slang That Kills." Lookit.

The pot is for my cat's arthritis.

You're still a part of an underground

economy where badass mofos...

- It's slang for dealers.

- Threaten.

Even kill.

Mandeep, your kids

were at my house this morning

harassing me about drugs.

- Is that weird?

- No, no.

They're doing a unit on drugs

in school. They're very into it.

How ya doin', Jess?

- Living the dream, man.

- Leo!

- Living the dream.

- She's here.

The view from here

is good. Look.

Today's theme is 'orbit'.

- What the hell?

- Coming through.

Watch out, watch out. This way,

this way, right this way.

Colette! What are

you doing here?

Oh, I don't know.

I got this anonymous tip

about a dishwasher

"with amazing motor skills

and themes."

- Themes! It's not standard in a dishwasher.

- Unheard of.

Aren't you curious?

Purely from a business point of view.

A demonstration.

If two objects, or people...

have a similar mass...

metaphorically speaking, humor,

originality,

true-of-heartness...

put them in orbit...

and...

they'll spin,

collide, fall...

together.

Useless to resist.

He screams "tourist attraction" to me.

I got this.

You were charmed.

For a second.

- I saw it.

- Is there anywhere you won't make a scene?

If it's important, who cares

what a bunch of strangers think?

This stems from what?

A snap judgment based on

physical attraction

to a married woman you don't know?

But then I researched you.

I followed you, I spied on you,

I came to your work...

And that snap judgment totally stands!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

There's a section about

how he played bass guitar,

but refused to actually learn how.

And we...

can listen to a clip.

Ooh! Oh!

Wow!

- Oh, my God! That would drive me insane.

- Yeah.

Wait. "Horny In Inappropriate

Places." That looks funny.

"Places that make my husband horny:

- My nephew's baptism."

- Of course.

"The dealership where

we refinanced our Toyota.

- My aunt's funeral."

- Ew. Sick.

- Yeah, that's totally sick.

- That's seriously messed up.

Keep going.

"His childish refusal to keep his

mouth shut and not make a scene."

Wow. Knopf wanted

to publish his book.

- Really?

- "And not only did my husband refuse to make the changes

"to his book the largest publisher in

America wanted after a generous advance,

"he flew to New York, gave

the president of the division

"the finger and stormed out.

"He published the book locally.

Refused to make a single change.

And it died."

Well, I feel for the guy.

Not everyone can be Hemingway.

He wasted his life

refusing to accept that.

I'll get more wine.

Showing Colette the blog backfired.

- What do you mean?

- It did. Trust me.

That's twice now, you little sh*t!

Sorry, Mr. Scott!

- Totally an accident!

- You owe me 50 bucks, bro.

You're a fine role model, Coop.

And golf club manager.

My management style's unorthodox.

What's my dad gonna do?

Fire you again?

Anyhow, as I've been saying all along:

what Leo Palamino needs

is a sh*t-kicking.

No, Coop.

I will not concede the moral

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