The Riot Club

I think you have the wrong room.

That, sir, is my wife.

Uh-huh, I must apologise.

Nothing in her conduct made me think she'd

ever been satisfied before.

A-ha.

Gentlemen.

We are here to honour our friend,

Henry Sebastian Aldershot,

Seventh Duke of Carlisle,

known to us as Lord Riot.

The best scholar

at the world's greatest university.

He did nothing without joy,

and everything to excess.

Wingspan! This is, gentlemen, key.

A true hedonist,

who dazzled us with debauchery.

His appetites knew no earthly bounds.

No man was better loved by all he met,

nor gave his time more generously.

Get down, get down!

We thought to see him

Lord Chief Justice one day.

But you live by the sword,

you die by the sword.

And, friends, Lord Riot died this morning.

- Legend.

- Mmm.

He will not be forgotten.

- He will not.

- Ever.

We will gather the brightest,

the boldest and the best

to eat till we are sick at

the full table of life,

and never to fade from glory.

And we will call ourselves

the Riot Club.

The Riot Club!

- I am an alumnus of this college...

- I'm terribly sorry, sir.

- Dad, the other one's fine.

- That room is minute.

- You couldn't swing a kitten.

- Mum...

Let Daddy sort it out, Alistair.

I'm sorry, I think this is me.

This was my room, and

my elder son's room till last year...

I don't mind swapping,

if this one has sentimental value.

There we are. Isn't that nice, Alistair?

- Well, it's very decent of you.

- No worries.

Follow me, then.

What if I don't want Seb's old room?

Your brother was top dog in this college

and you want to live in a rabbit hutch?

Just on the left here.

And it's that one there.

You'll find it hasn't got a Jacuzzi.

I'm sure it's fine.

Oh, sh*t!

We used to make things up there,

now we just sell things.

But don't businesses sink or swim,

if an industry's become untenable?

So why did we bail out the banks, then?

It's different, isn't it?

- You're talking about manufacturing...

- Oh, do you want some?

- Sorry, I'm Lauren.

- Miles.

- They're serving champagne?

- No, I brought it.

I thought, you know, big day.

What, is it plonk?

No, no, it's lovely.

Mate, I'm sorry you ended up

in the prison block...

- Ah...

- My father is...

- Are you in the new building?

- Yeah.

I'm in the new building.

Actually, the New Building

is the Palladian style one

they built in the 1700s next to the chapel.

There weren't any girls

at your school, were there?

Don't worry, they're just

like us, but cleverer.

Nice cape, by the way.

Thanks.

- Versace.

- Is it now?

- Mm-hm.

- Oh, I could tell.

Oh, the innocence.

Is my gown inside out, am I brighter,

sexier, funnier than I was at school?

You were a fresher once.

- Care to join me in a game of Spot the Virgin?

- Too easy.

It'll be a damn sight harder by tomorrow.

- Amazing up here, isn't it?

- Mmm.

I swear, being in Oxford, it's...

It's like being invited to 100 parties,

all at once.

And I wanna go to all of them, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, look at this.

We are so lucky.

My dad cried, you know, when I told him

I got into Oxford.

Maybe it was just the tuition fees.

See, my dad would've cried

if I hadn't got into Oxford.

My whole family come here.

My little brother, he's

13 and he can't wait.

Miles, are you posh?

Just normal.

You've got quite a posh name.

Miles Davis.

My parents were listening

to Kind of Blue when I was conceived.

Good job my parents didn't do that,

they'd have named me Gary Barlow.

- So where did you go to school?

- Uh, Westminster.

Oh, so not posh at all, then.

I've got a bottle of

tequila back in my room

if you wanted to come back after...

Let's not spend three years avoiding

the person we shagged in Freshers' Week.

Lady Marmalade.

Oh, I know. Look at you. I know.

It's not long, I'll be back for Christmas.

- Here you go.

- Thanks, Mummy. There you are.

- Bye, Mummy.

- Bye, darling.

- Balfour, let me give you a hand there.

- Oh, thanks, mate, hello there.

- Back to school, isn't it? Thanks ever so.

- Yeah.

Listen, Balfour, am I right in thinking

you might be a member of the Riot Club?

Well, you know, not supposed to say really,

cloak and dagger, and all that.

Yeah, well, it's just...

I was wondering how I might

go about applying for membership.

Yes.

Um, the thing is...

And I'm terribly sorry about

this, but I'm afraid if you've got to ask,

you're not really the right sort of chap.

Right.

Guard, ready. Fence.

Come on.

- Darling.

- Does this hurt?

Gosh, is he OK?

You have no difficulties

with the time frame?

None, absolutely none.

And I'm keen to start an internship straight

after my finals, don't need a holiday.

You're not the son of Jonty

Leighton-Masters, are you?

My father casts rather a long shadow.

I want to strike out on my own,

start at the bottom somewhere.

I'm just very passionate

about corporate finance.

Good luck, guys.

Mate, club meeting.

Can you do the pub tonight at, urn...

- Oh, yeah.

- What are you doing?

Sort of a post-match debrief.

Right. OK, 7:
30, pub, can you do it?

I'll be there.

I just find it really annoying when people

ask me what school I went to.

- Yeah. Oh, I hate it.

- I know, I hate it. Yeah, so much.

Which school did you go to?

I just went to a normal school in Cardiff.

- Oh, I've been to Cardiff.

- Oh, fantastic.

I love the Welsh.

- Where did you guys go?

- Eton.

Oh, oh my God, oh my God!

Um, OK, how do you make an Eton Mess?

Tell him he only got into Bristol.

My best friend's at Bristol.

It's a very good university.

Hmm.

Uh, so I've... OK.

- Anyway, why didn't you get a Lamborghini?

- I'm not...

Mate, he's Greek,

he's doing austerity measures.

- This is a beautiful British car.

- Poop poop!

OK, guys, so we got Club dinner coming up.

- Kidney, Leighton?

- No, thanks.

Um, and as you know, I'm working on a venue

that can meet our special requirements.

Somewhere we haven't

already been banned from.

Obviously, yeah, but I need you

guys to get on with...

- Chaps, squid?

- Here you go!

- Mate, that's f***ing rank.

- It's delicious.

So Ed got totally rinsed.

- Guys, this is important.

- What am I doing wrong?

Been on a hosepipe ban all summer.

Maybe if you didn't shark them together

like a couple of schweffes.

I haven't had so little sex

since boarding school.

You had more sex at boarding school.

OK, hands up, who did f***-all work

over the vac?

Tubes, you worked?

F***ing jurisprudence essay,

Dad breathing down my neck.

If I don't get a 2:1...

- Ooh!

- Harsh.

Touch.

Chaps, this is a meeting.

Are we having elections next term?

For the presidency?

Bell-end, you want to be President?

Come on, I'd be awesome.

You'd be gash.

If we don't get any new members,

won't be anything to be President of.

With Sebbers and Gooder leaving last term,

we're down to eight.

Don't we have to have 10?

Hence the meeting.

Operation Grasshopper. OK. So,

does anyone have any nominations?

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