The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer
- R
- Year:
- 1970
- 100 min
- 140 Views
(# INTRO TO MAIN THEME BEGINS QUIETLY)
(INTRO FADES)
I'd like to see the managing director
please. Buffery's the name.
Just one moment...
(CLICKS INTERCOM SWITCH)
Mr Ferret?
(FERRET) (OVER INTERCOM)
With cream, please.
No, Mr Ferret.
But I always have cream.
And sugar.
There's a Mr Buffery to see you.
Oh. Send him up, please.
Third floor, please.
Yes?
Yes.
(# MAIN 'RIMMER' THEME)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS)
Mr Ferret?
Oooh!
(CHAIR SMASHES)
Just popped in to cancel our contract.
Good morning. You all right?
Mr, er...
- Rimmer, sir. 'Co-ordination'.
- Ah, yes.
Keep it up. Vital work.
Thank you.
'Co-ordination'?
I'll read those figures back again.
That's, er...
two pounds to win on 'Lively Lady'
and, er... a fiver on 'The Groper'.
- Ah.
- It's Mr Federmann, isn't it?
That's right. Yes.
Thank you.
(RIMMER) Mr Pumer?
Yes.
- Who are you?
- Rimmer. 'Co-ordination'.
- Ah.
Hello again, Mr Federmann.
Ah, hello.
(TOILET FLUSHES AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS)
Ah, well. Back to the grindstone.
(RIMMER) It's, er Mr, er...?
- Crodder.
(RIMMER) ...Crodder.
(EMPHATICALLY) Crodder!
Is nothing sacred?
(CRODDER) Extraordinary thing
just happened in the toilet.
I was just going in and there's
a fellow there with a stop-watch.
That's Mr Rimmer. 'Co-ordination'.
Is he one of those ghastly
time-and-motion people?
I think he's working
for Mr Fairburn himself.
- Hello.
- Oh, morning.
- Can't hang about. Lots to do.
- Of course.
(TANYA) Mr Fromage and
Mr Waring, Mr Ferret.
Ah.
(FERRET) Good morning...
Well, you've come about
the advertising, I suppose?
Just over six months ago you undertook
our new advertising campaign.
We heard from you for
the first time yesterday.
You sent us some slogans
for advertising our dog food.
Good.
We don't make dog food, Mr Ferret.
(EMPHATICALLY) We... make... humbugs.
Oh.
And you're not thinking of
branching out into dog foods?
No.
(WITH MOUNTING ANGER) And if we were,
we would want something
more original than Woof makes
doggies bounce with health!
(RIMMER) We are working on a new
presentation concept, Mr Waring.
Mr Ferret will have it ready next week.
One week it is.
Make a note of that, Tanya.
(# TANGO 'LA CUMPARSITA'
FROM RECORD PLAYER)
(STOP-WATCH CLICKS)
(PUMER) Tango...
- Ah, yes.
My wife and I have been selected
for the South-East.
Congratulations!
Thank you.
I practise in the coffee-break.
Of course.
I don't have coffee...
Good Lord!
Well, coffee-break over.
(RIMMER) Thank you.
- Fine.
(FERRET) Thank you, Tanya.
That will be all for now... I'm afraid.
All right, Mr Ferret.
(RIMMER) If it's alright by you, sir,
I'll take over the office next door.
Oh, good. Yes.
Look, I tell you what
why don't you take it over?
Thank you.
Well, must be off.
- Time waits for no man.
- Yes.
(FERRET) What have you done
to my water, Tanya?
(TANYA) The water board
have cut it off, sir.
(FERRET) Whatever did we do to them?
(TANYA) We never paid them, sir.
(FERRET) Money, money, money.
Whatever's the world coming to?
See you in the pub, later.
(PUMER) 'Night, Mr Ferret.
- Goodnight.
(TANYA) 'Night, Mr Ferret.
- Goodnight.
(FERRET) They'll be cutting off
the electricity next.
(FERRET GASPS
(RIMMER) Hello.
(FERRET) Oh, Mr Rimmer.
I was just conducting
a little experiment.
On the effect on office efficiency
of total darkness.
(RIMMER) Oh, yes.
I shouldn't bother to tell Mr Fairburn.
He's a little out of touch
with modern methods.
(CAT YOWLS)
(SLURRING WORDS) Good evening.
- Where have you been?
- I've been to lots of places...
- Paris... Rome...
- (IMPATIENTLY) Tonight?
Ah. Tonight I've been working late.
You come back here,
reeking of sex and scent
with a love-bite on your neck,
and you say you were working late!
It's not scent, my dear.
Nor is it a love-bite.
I've been washing my face
in Coca-Cole... Cola.
When all the lights went out
and I banged my neck on a fire...
extinguisher.
(DRUNKEN LAUGH)
(# 'RIMMER' THEME)
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Yvonne.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Tanya.
You'll be working
in my office this morning.
Thank you, sir.
(# TANGO 'LA CUMPARSITA')
- Morning.
- Morning, Mr Pumer.
(# 'RIMMER' THEME RESUMES)
- Good morning, Mr Rimmer.
- Good morning, Mr Federmann.
(MUSIC ENDS)
- Any sign of Ferret yet, Tanya?
- No, sir.
(FERRET) Good morning!
(YVONNE) You're late, Mr Ferret...
(FERRET) Terrible traffic.
Terrible traffic yesterday.
Just like last week.
(CRODDER) Can't stop. It's all go this morning.
- Terrible traffic.
(CRODDER) Mr Rimmer's anxious to see you.
- Ah, good.
(RIMMER) Mr Ferret!
- Yes, ah...
Ha-ha. Didn't see you!
Sorry about the hole in the wall.
Terrible traffic today.
Have you got the results
of the Wheety-Flakes survey?
Er... not as such. But I've got the one
on boot polish.
(RIMMER) And what does it show?
Well, it shows, er...
...it shows that ninety percent
of British families
don't like boot polish for breakfast.
Been some sort of a mix-up here
with the questionnaires.
I'll go into it right away.
I'd rather you didn't.
Right. I'll...
...I'll not go into it.
(# PASTORAL FLUTE
AND STRING MUSIC)
(BIRDS SINGING)
(RIMMER) I've got it all here,
Mr Fairburn.
What? Who are you?
Rimmer, sir. It's the Business
Efficiency report you commissioned.
Did no such thing! Never seen you
before in my life.
(RIMMER) I must say your decision
to investigate was very timely.
Well, that's what decisions should be.
Must have slipped my mind.
(FAIRBURN) I'm afraid my wife's been
a bit under the weather.
(RIMMER) Nothing serious, I hope?
No, no. She'll linger on
I've got the report here
if you'd like to see it, sir.
(FAIRBURN) It's a bit large...
Couldn't you give me a run-down?
I'm rather busy today.
(RIMMER) Well, basically
your firm is running
an annual deficit
of seventy-five thousand pounds.
Seventy-five thousand pounds!
My God!
Do you know the words
that come to my mind?
No, sir. I don't know the words.
(FAIRBURN, SHOUTING) Fire Ferret!
Those are the words. Fire Ferret!
(TV COMMENTATOR) England now really in
a commanding position...
...and the wicket is still playing
absolutely perfectly...
(BUZZ OF INTERFERENCE)
...my goodness me,
what a glorious exhibition...
(FAIRBURN, DISTANTLY) Fire Ferret!
Those are the words.
Of course I know my way!
Think I've never been here before?
...beautifully timed leg sweep,
gone for four runs...
Let's get rid of him. Fire Ferret!
Ah, Mr Fairbum.
- Fairburn!
- Fairburn, yes.
...and another leg sweep,
and again it's gone for four runs...
We're doing, er, market research on people
watching television on the cricket...
(FERRET) Yes.
Do sit down, Mr Creambun...
er, Fairburn.
Throw those files
somewhere. Anywhere.
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