The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer

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(# INTRO TO MAIN THEME BEGINS QUIETLY)

(INTRO FADES)

I'd like to see the managing director

please. Buffery's the name.

Just one moment...

(CLICKS INTERCOM SWITCH)

Mr Ferret?

(FERRET) (OVER INTERCOM)

With cream, please.

No, Mr Ferret.

But I always have cream.

And sugar.

There's a Mr Buffery to see you.

Oh. Send him up, please.

Third floor, please.

Yes?

Yes.

(# MAIN 'RIMMER' THEME)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)

Mr Ferret?

Oooh!

(CHAIR SMASHES)

Just popped in to cancel our contract.

Good morning. You all right?

Mr, er...

- Rimmer, sir. 'Co-ordination'.

- Ah, yes.

Keep it up. Vital work.

Thank you.

'Co-ordination'?

I'll read those figures back again.

That's, er...

two pounds to win on 'Lively Lady'

and, er... a fiver on 'The Groper'.

- Ah.

- It's Mr Federmann, isn't it?

That's right. Yes.

Thank you.

(RIMMER) Mr Pumer?

Yes.

- Who are you?

- Rimmer. 'Co-ordination'.

- Ah.

- Please carry on.

Hello again, Mr Federmann.

Ah, hello.

(DOOR REFUSES TO LOCK)

(TOILET FLUSHES AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS)

Ah, well. Back to the grindstone.

(RIMMER) It's, er Mr, er...?

- Crodder.

(RIMMER) ...Crodder.

(EMPHATICALLY) Crodder!

Is nothing sacred?

(CRODDER) Extraordinary thing

just happened in the toilet.

I was just going in and there's

a fellow there with a stop-watch.

That's Mr Rimmer. 'Co-ordination'.

Is he one of those ghastly

time-and-motion people?

I think he's working

for Mr Fairburn himself.

- Hello.

- Oh, morning.

- Can't hang about. Lots to do.

- Of course.

(TANYA) Mr Fromage and

Mr Waring, Mr Ferret.

Ah.

(FERRET) Good morning...

Well, you've come about

the advertising, I suppose?

Just over six months ago you undertook

our new advertising campaign.

We heard from you for

the first time yesterday.

You sent us some slogans

for advertising our dog food.

Good.

We don't make dog food, Mr Ferret.

(EMPHATICALLY) We... make... humbugs.

Oh.

And you're not thinking of

branching out into dog foods?

No.

(WITH MOUNTING ANGER) And if we were,

we would want something

more original than Woof makes

doggies bounce with health!

(RIMMER) We are working on a new

presentation concept, Mr Waring.

Mr Ferret will have it ready next week.

One week it is.

Make a note of that, Tanya.

(# TANGO 'LA CUMPARSITA'

FROM RECORD PLAYER)

(STOP-WATCH CLICKS)

(PUMER) Tango...

- Ah, yes.

My wife and I have been selected

for the South-East.

Congratulations!

Thank you.

I practise in the coffee-break.

Of course.

I don't have coffee...

Good Lord!

Well, coffee-break over.

(MUSIC COMES TO AN END)

(RIMMER) Thank you.

- Fine.

(FERRET) Thank you, Tanya.

That will be all for now... I'm afraid.

All right, Mr Ferret.

(RIMMER) If it's alright by you, sir,

I'll take over the office next door.

Oh, good. Yes.

Look, I tell you what

why don't you take it over?

Thank you.

Well, must be off.

- Time waits for no man.

- Yes.

(TANYA YELPS IN SURPRISE)

(FERRET) What have you done

to my water, Tanya?

(TANYA) The water board

have cut it off, sir.

(FERRET) Whatever did we do to them?

(TANYA) We never paid them, sir.

(FERRET) Money, money, money.

Whatever's the world coming to?

See you in the pub, later.

(PUMER) 'Night, Mr Ferret.

- Goodnight.

(TANYA) 'Night, Mr Ferret.

- Goodnight.

(FERRET) They'll be cutting off

the electricity next.

(FERRET GASPS

AS HE BANGS HIS NECK)

(RIMMER) Hello.

(FERRET) Oh, Mr Rimmer.

I was just conducting

a little experiment.

On the effect on office efficiency

of total darkness.

(RIMMER) Oh, yes.

I shouldn't bother to tell Mr Fairburn.

He's a little out of touch

with modern methods.

(CAT YOWLS)

(SLURRING WORDS) Good evening.

- Where have you been?

- I've been to lots of places...

- Paris... Rome...

- (IMPATIENTLY) Tonight?

Ah. Tonight I've been working late.

You come back here,

reeking of sex and scent

with a love-bite on your neck,

and you say you were working late!

It's not scent, my dear.

Nor is it a love-bite.

I've been washing my face

in Coca-Cole... Cola.

When all the lights went out

and I banged my neck on a fire...

extinguisher.

(DRUNKEN LAUGH)

(# 'RIMMER' THEME)

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, Yvonne.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, Tanya.

You'll be working

in my office this morning.

Thank you, sir.

(# TANGO 'LA CUMPARSITA')

- Morning.

- Morning, Mr Pumer.

(# 'RIMMER' THEME RESUMES)

- Good morning, Mr Rimmer.

- Good morning, Mr Federmann.

(MUSIC ENDS)

- Any sign of Ferret yet, Tanya?

- No, sir.

(FERRET) Good morning!

(YVONNE) You're late, Mr Ferret...

(FERRET) Terrible traffic.

Terrible traffic yesterday.

Just like last week.

(CRODDER) Can't stop. It's all go this morning.

- Terrible traffic.

(CRODDER) Mr Rimmer's anxious to see you.

- Ah, good.

(RIMMER) Mr Ferret!

- Yes, ah...

Ha-ha. Didn't see you!

Sorry about the hole in the wall.

Terrible traffic today.

Have you got the results

of the Wheety-Flakes survey?

Er... not as such. But I've got the one

on boot polish.

(RIMMER) And what does it show?

Well, it shows, er...

...it shows that ninety percent

of British families

don't like boot polish for breakfast.

Been some sort of a mix-up here

with the questionnaires.

I'll go into it right away.

I'd rather you didn't.

Right. I'll...

...I'll not go into it.

(# PASTORAL FLUTE

AND STRING MUSIC)

(BIRDS SINGING)

(RIMMER) I've got it all here,

Mr Fairburn.

What? Who are you?

Rimmer, sir. It's the Business

Efficiency report you commissioned.

Did no such thing! Never seen you

before in my life.

(RIMMER) I must say your decision

to investigate was very timely.

Well, that's what decisions should be.

Must have slipped my mind.

(FAIRBURN) I'm afraid my wife's been

a bit under the weather.

(RIMMER) Nothing serious, I hope?

No, no. She'll linger on

for quite a while yet.

I've got the report here

if you'd like to see it, sir.

(FAIRBURN) It's a bit large...

Couldn't you give me a run-down?

I'm rather busy today.

(RIMMER) Well, basically

your firm is running

an annual deficit

of seventy-five thousand pounds.

Seventy-five thousand pounds!

My God!

Do you know the words

that come to my mind?

No, sir. I don't know the words.

(FAIRBURN, SHOUTING) Fire Ferret!

Those are the words. Fire Ferret!

(TV COMMENTATOR) England now really in

a commanding position...

...and the wicket is still playing

absolutely perfectly...

(BUZZ OF INTERFERENCE)

...my goodness me,

what a glorious exhibition...

(FAIRBURN, DISTANTLY) Fire Ferret!

Those are the words.

Of course I know my way!

Think I've never been here before?

...beautifully timed leg sweep,

gone for four runs...

Let's get rid of him. Fire Ferret!

Ah, Mr Fairbum.

- Fairburn!

- Fairburn, yes.

...and another leg sweep,

and again it's gone for four runs...

We're doing, er, market research on people

watching television on the cricket...

(FERRET) Yes.

Do sit down, Mr Creambun...

er, Fairburn.

Throw those files

somewhere. Anywhere.

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