The Road to Wellville Page #2

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- You stink, sir.

- Don't we all in one way or another?

Your behavior is unconscionable.

- Now, why are you here?

- Money.

You've had all the money

you'll ever get from me, boy.

Dr. Kellogg,

what a pleasure to see you.

- Ah, yes, Mrs...

- Lightbody. Eleanor Lightbody.

I'd like to introduce you

to my husband. This is Will.

Hello, You look like you're on your

last leg. Can you spare some change?

Excuse us, please.

- How much?

- One hundred.

Mr. Wilcox. Take this gentleman

to Mr. Phipps...

and tell him to give him $100.

Then show him the front gate.

Thank you.

Poor wretch. A charity patient.

Ah, now, Mr. Lightbody, is it?

How do you do, sir?

Oh, dear, you are unwell.

Let me see your tongue, please.

Out more.

Wider. More. That...

Oh, yeah.

The tongue is the billboard

to the bowels, Mr. Lightbody...

and this piece of furry flesh between

my fingers shouts S-l-C-K, sick.

You're a sick man, sir. As severe a case

of autointoxication as I've ever seen.

Is there anything you can do? We're both

tremendous believers in your methods.

I am, anyway. But Will is really

keen to learn. Aren't you?

- Uh...

- You've come to the right place.

But we are merely lifeguards at watch

on the shores of the alimentary canal.

A wheelchair immediately

for Mr. Lightbody! Hurry!

I don't need a wheelchair.

I do not need a wheelchair.

Sir, I am a doctor, and you take my word

for it. You are in need of a wheelchair.

Wheelchairs are for amputees,

for Civil War veterans...

old people with one foot in the grave.

Lucky if you have only one foot

in the grave, because I can help you.

Two feet in and your money will be

better spent with an undertaker.

Mr. Johnston, I want the finest care

for this gentleman.

So get the very best attendant.

Graves. Yes, get Nurse Graves.

Hey, one foot in the grave! Ha!

I will see to you personally

first thing in the morning.

- If you're still alive, that is.

- Thank you.

Thank you, ma'am.

Frank!

Oh, darling, it's Dr. Linniman

who I told you about...

who looked after me so wonderfully well

the last time... you remember.

No, I don't remember.

How are you?

Oh, it's heaven to be back.

It's good to see you again.

Eleanor, you've lost weight.

Wait. I want my wife!

- You Charles Ossining?

- Yes!

Mr. Bender says

you're to come with me.

Thank God, boy! Where's the cab?

No cab, sir.

Mr. Bender said to walk.

He did, did he? Is it far?

It wouldn't be

if we weren't walkin'.

- Where are you taking me?

- Your room. Your wife will go to hers.

- We're together.

- Oh, no, sir. That just wouldn't do.

If you get my meaning?

Up, please, Harold.

Best air in the place. Lovely view too.

Hello, Irene. Here he is.

Welcome to the San.

I'm Nurse Graves...

and I'll be your personal nurse

during your stay here.

Ah, you must be tuckered, sir,

what with all that rail travel.

Terrible. Shakes you up

like an eggnog.

Here we are. Nice, cheery room.

Torture. Worse than

the Spanish Inquisition.

- Torture?

- Rail travel.

Well, I will bid you good night...

and leave you in the capable hands

of Nurse Graves.

- Night, Irene.

- Good night, Ralph.

Undress, please.

- You're very beautiful, Irene.

- Please. Don't talk, Mr. Lightbody.

Not in your condition.

Now, we're gonna have you asleep

in no time at all.

But it's only 6:
00.

And I haven't slept a wink

in 22 days.

Well, tonight you'll sleep like a baby.

That's why I'm here.

Now, I want you to relax.

And I'll be back later

to give you your bath.

Where are you taking me? I thought Mr.

Bender was staying at the Post Tavern!

He is. Only you're up there.

$3.25 a week due every Saturday.

Breakfast at 7:
00, dinner at 1:00,

supper at 6:
30...

and she wants a week in advance.

I'm sorry, Nurse, but I think

that I'm hallucinating.

Just kneel in the bath, please,

Mr. Lightbody.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Ever since I got here, I keep seeing...

I came here with my wife, you know.

Oh, yes, I know.

She's on the second floor, room 212.

She won't be staying here?

Oh, no. All couples are

kept separate here, Mr. Lightbody.

- They are?

- Of course.

Our patients need complete rest.

Any sexual stimulation could be fatal.

Now, I want you to relax.

- What is that?

- This... is a colonic wash.

It is hot paraffin,

soap and tepid water.

Now, bend over a little bit please.

There. Just relax, Mr. Lightbody...

and we will purge you

of all that ails you.

Oh, but I don't even eat meat.

Not anymore, anyway.

Just relax. It'll all be over

in a second.

No, l... Honestly, lately it's just

beet tops and savory broth.

Your intestines are probably putrid

with disease and germs.

Nurse Graves...

I have to confess to you

that I'm very sexually stimulated.

I think that I have an erection.

Clean thoughts make for clean bowels,

Mr. Lightbody.

Please, just try and think of me

as one of nature's nuns...

here at the temple of health.

One card, my dear sir.

Is your wife still available?

It's room 25, sir.

Ah, Charles! You made it!

So sorry I couldn't be there

to meet you.

But I was busy cultivating

the garden of business.

These gentlemen behind me

are the very princes of this town.

Pillars. Important people.

How are your lodgings?

Disgusting. Why didn't you

put me up here?

Tut, tut, Charles.

We're on a budget.

We can't throw your good aunt's money

around now, can we?

- But you're staying here!

- Show, Charles. All show.

For the gentlemen at the table.

Did you bring Mrs. Hookstratten's check?

Yes, and she's very anxious to hear

about the factory site you've acquired.

- Ah, the factory.

- And the ovens.

Ah, the ovens. There's been

a slight hiccup. There are no ovens.

But you wrote that the Vita-Malta flake

factory came with ovens.

There are no ovens, because,

alas, there is no factory.

There's no factory?

Bender, in your letter...

Goodloe. Charles, please.

Call me Goodloe.

We are partners, after all.

Would you like a brandy?

I don't want a brandy!

I want an explanation!

It's true, I almost had a factory.

But the thief I was dealing with

wanted rather too much for the lease...

and I lacked the necessary spondulicks.

- Spondulicks?

- Capital, Charles.

Money. As in "running short of."

Do you mean that you have spent

the whole of the start-up money already?

Please, please. Not in front of company.

Step into my office.

I know you're probably tired

after the trip.

And it might seem that I'm living it up

here in the lap of luxury.

Now you listen to me,

you jumped-up streak of pompous piss.

You don't think you could start

a company like Per-Fo just like that!

- You've stolen my aunt's money.

- It's not stealing!

It's capitalism, you ignorant prick!

And palms are the wheels of capitalism,

and they have to be greased, boy.

I'm not your boy, Bender.

Get that straight!

Charles, Charles.

It all takes money.

You had money! You had my aunt's money,

and now you've pissed it all away!

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