The Road to Wellville Page #5

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Fish. Fish! More like being

eaten alive by fish.

They say it's the equivalent of climbing

the steps of the Washington Monument.

- You don't even loosen your tie.

- I think it's giving me an erection!

More amperes, please, Mr. Woodbine.

Let us brave the foothills

of Mount Everest to...

Nibble, nibble.

In and out.

In and out.

Seize the air with your lungs.

That's the way.

In and out.

Inhale, exhale the toxins.

Well, I leave you to the warm threads

of the doctor's electric blanket...

one of his inventions that I fear

will not catch on.

Enjoy your little nap.

I'm off to the warm embrace

of my afternoon enema.

Mr. Lightbody?

It's Ida.

- Ida Muntz.

- Oh, Miss Muntz.

How are you enjoying

your stay at the San?

Still feeling my way.

Feeling any better?

Ah, yes, lots.

- And you?

- About the same.

Miss Muntz, please forgive me

for asking...

but what exactly

is the matter with you?

Oh, green sickness.

Oh, green sickness.

Don't you just hate the food?

Well, I don't eat very much.

Do you have a bad stomach?

You have very kind eyes

and a very noble nose.

I do?

Will, I have a confession

to make.

At nights I lay in my bed just across

the hallway from you...

and I think but for my green sickness,

you might find me attractive.

But I do.

I look at myself in the mirror

and think, " Who would kiss me?

Who would make love to a plate

of moldy bread?"

Oh, don't say that, Miss Muntz.

You mustn't say that.

Can't you see my face?

Yes, I see your face.

Well?

It's a bit pale, that's all.

I've made up my mind.

If I've been scheduled to die,

I've decided to live.

Could I ask you a very great favor?

Inhale fresh air.

Exhale the toxins.

In and out.

Seize the air with your lungs.

That's the way.

In and out.

In, out.

That's the ticket.

In, out.

Will, I came to say I'm sorry.

For everything.

It's okay.

I just... I just want you to get better.

I want us both to get better. It was

wrong of me to blame you for the baby.

It was my fault.

No, I blame myself because

I just wasn't healthy enough.

That's why this is so important to me,

don't you see?

I do.

I know you'll grow to love this place

as much as I do.

I'll try.

I really will. That's a promise.

And when we're both well...

I want you to come to me.

I want you to give me another baby.

Not yet, not yet.

In a month or so.

- A month?

- When we're both well.

You're so beautiful.

Mr. Lightbody! Mrs. Lightbody!

Ellie! Eleanor, please!

I'm very disappointed in you, Will.

Please make sure you drink your milk.

We only kissed.

We didn't do anything.

We were just talking. Just talking.

About how much we like it here.

About how much we like the San.

Just drink your milk!

- I have feelings, you know.

- So do I.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just...

I was passing by

and your door was open.

It's my face, isn't it?

Your face?

You're staring at my face.

No, I was...

What color is it?

Viridian.

What color is it? Say it.

Creme de menthe?

What color is it?

It's green.

Well, no, no. It isn't really green.

It's more, uh...

It's more pale than green.

Will, I'm cold.

Would you like me

to get you a blanket?

Would you please lay on top of me?

Would you please close the flap?

Now do it.

Do it?

Do it.

Mr. Lightbody.

Sorry.

There is nothing finer

Than toasted flakes

And rice Carolina

It's the natural law

To eat the corn and grain

So the spirits soar

And bowels are born again

Every woman

Every man

Eleanor, look.

Do you see who it is?

It's Lionel Badger.

- Lionel who?

- Dr. Lionel Badger...

of the American Vegetarian Society.

Surely you've heard of him.

Oh, he's a wonderful fanatic.

No, I don't know him.

He wrote a fabulous paper

on the clitoris.

But I thought you said

he was a vegetarian?

It's all related, darling.

It is?

What actually did you do

over at Kellogg's, Bart?

Mostly I vacuumed the doctor's cows.

Let me chuck some salt in here, sir.

See how that works.

I call this batch number seven.

Excuse me.

Bender?

What is it, Charles? You have

that look on your face again.

They don't look very appetizing.

They will.

Give it time.

Bookbinder doesn't seem

to have much of a clue.

Do you think maybe we hired him

a bit too hastily?

He wasn't even a baker at Kellogg's.

He worked in the cow sheds.

Never underestimate the abilities

of the common man.

Okay, there are 22 batches here.

Each one of them different.

An ounce of salt this way.

A touch of malt the other.

And I've got it all written down.

And this is batch number one.

Batch number one, it is,

Mr. Bookbinder.

Gentlemen...

history is about to be eaten.

Sh*t!

Well, one down, twenty-one to go.

Batch number two, please,

Mr. Bookbinder.

We mustn't get disheartened.

Right, Goodloe?

"The nipples, tongue,

neck and lips may be utilized...

to maintain and increase

the libido sexualis."

And read that bit at the bottom.

About " it's no more than a woman has the

right to demand. Any sexual pleasure..."

What does Dr. Kellogg think

of our Mr. Badger?

Hates him.

Tell me, Virginia, honestly,

do you think that sex is harmful?

Oh, another ridiculous idea

dreamed up by men.

The only thing harmful

about sex, my dear...

is when women don't get enough

of it when they want it...

or don't get to enjoy it

when they do.

Is there another batch?

I've got it! We'll sell

this batch as pig food.

Vegopork.

No, no, Per-Fo-Korno

for vegetarian pigs.

Don't think so.

Even the pigs won't eat it.

Oh come let us adore him

You did not knock.

I'm at my ablutions, sir.

- He's here again, sir.

- Who, Badger?

No, sir.

Your son, George.

He's throwing projectiles.

Projectiles?

Cornflakes boxes, sir.

At the guests.

Boxes? Our cornflakes?

- No, sir.

- Not my brother's?

No, sir. They're cornflakes boxes,

but there's no cornflakes in 'em.

They have...

rice Carolina.

Rice Carolina?

Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.

Actually...

used rice Carolina,

to be more precise.

Used?

I think young George has gained access

to the latrines, sir.

Latrines?

He's throwing boxes of sh*t

at the guests!

What?

Stop this at once!

You're a bad boy.

You're very, very naughty.

Give us a cuddle.

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

Round yon virgin

Mother and child

Holy infant

So tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly...

Who was it?

Stop it!

Stop laughing! Who was it?

The American foot. Underline.

The American foot, like American teeth

and American woman, is deteriorating.

The big toe being so long

and so separated as to be useless.

The Japanese, on the other hand,

have smaller toes.

I once had a Japanese patient

who could play the violin with his feet.

Vivaldi, Beethoven, Mozart,

Palestrina.

You all right, Poult?

What's the matter with you?

Poult?

Get that last note

about the violin, Poult? Hey!

Poultney Dab, you've had a heart attack.

And much worse...

you're dead, sir.

You're a good man. Maybe I worked you

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