The Rules of Attraction

It's a story that might bore you, but you don't

have to listen 'cause I knew it'd be like that.

[ROCK MUSIC]

And it was in that last year,

or actually weekend,

really a Friday in December at Camden,

years ago when I was a different person,

I was so drunk

that I ended up losing my virginity.

I lost it to a guy

I thought was a ceramics major,

but who was either an NYU film student

there for The End Of The World, or a townie.

I actually had my eye on someone else

that night. Victor.

[VICTOR] With European girls,

it's just a numbers game.

If you stand in any European city

and you ask every girl that walks by

if she'll f*** you, one in 20 will say yes.

A drama major just back from Europe.

Only a little gay, with flecked blond hair,

a great body, and amazing grey eyes.

Bam, 20th one and you're f***ing!

It's a confirmed statistic, man!

But Victor was f***ing my room-mate Lara.

She gave him mono before he dumped her.

I'm told that, after I left Camden,

she got really drunk

and went wandering through Windham House

and did the whole football team.

[ROCK MUSIC]

She's now married to a senator

and has four kids. How time distorts things.

So you know the movie?

It was labelled a Tarantino film even though

he was credited as an executive producer...

So this guy from NYU,

who wasn't even a good Victor facsimile,

and I were talking on this ratty old couch.

- I'm sure you've seen this Russian movie...

- Yeah, yeah.

I kept agreeing with his likes and dislikes,

all the time thinking that, while he might not

be Victor, he was cute enough.

..real sh*t.

I was sure I was mispronouncing

the film-makers' names,

remembering the wrong actors, naming

the wrong cinematographers, but I wanted him.

..same kind of silent movie actors' quality.

Has anyone ever told you

that you look like Clara Bow? You do!

I'm serious. I know these things and...

I could see that his gaze

was drifting toward Kristin Notneff.

She looked back with confidence

because she knew, underneath her clothes,

she had on a black bra with matching panties,

which I didn't.

Oh, sorry, what was I talking about?

But I had the next best thing.

I've got a joint in my room.

Except it wasn't my room.

It was Lorna Slavin's room,

who was at her boyfriend's house

probably swallowing his DNA.

And I didn't have a joint either and,

if I did, it would have been Lorna Slavin's joint.

He wouldn't have cared if I had one or not.

I must have passed out around then.

When I came to, he was f***ing me,

but he didn't know I was a virgin and it hurt.

Not that badly, not as bad as I'd been taught

to expect, but not exactly pleasant either.

I heard another voice in the room.

I wanna see you do her

like Ron Jeremy would.

I remember the weight on the bed shifting

and realising that this person behind me

wasn't the NYU student, but somebody else.

Oh, my God, it was some townie!

I had actually lost my virginity to a townie.

This wouldn't have happened with Victor.

He would've taken me gently

in his big, strong drama major arms

and undressed me quietly and expertly.

Taken my bra off with grace and ease

and it probably wouldn't have hurt.

I should've given myself to Victor last term

when I had the chance.

- We gotta put the keg somewhere.

- Not there, it's f***ing my shot.

Get the f*** out before you ruin my movie!

- Gross!

- Much better!

I always knew it was gonna be like this.

[TALKS BACKWARDS]

I just get the feeling

my life lacks forward momentum.

Like everything is moving by so quickly

that time just seems to stop.

[POOL BALLS CLACK]

I can't believe the sh*t

that spills outta my mouth.

I talk about God knows what,

I let my eyes drift across the room.

As my mouth allows thoughts to drop out of

my brain and roll off my tongue like gumballs,

I imagine the things in life that never were

and all the things that could have been.

[RHYTHMIC MUSIC]

- He'll do.

- Oh, I like this song!

"Gay Song Definitely."

- Do you have any E?

- It makes your spinal fluid run backwards.

- I may have some up in my room.

- You're game, right?

Uh...I...

No one's twisting your arm.

Why am I trying to convince you? Let's do it.

Whoa! I think it's kicking in.

- I feel it now, too.

- The truth is I feel nothing.

What the f***...!

- Sorry, I thought you were gay.

- F*** you! I'm no fag!

You sure about that? I definitely

detected a certain fagginess to you.

Get the f*** outta here, homo!

I'm not gay! You're lucky I don't kill you!

Luck has nothing to do with it.

Everything is preordained. Manifest destiny.

You can stop time no more than

you can will the oceans to overwhelm the world

or cause the moon to drop.

Three months later, he had a gay affair,

within a year he was a queen

and telling people I couldn't get it up.

Luck has nothing to do with anything.

[TALKS BACKWARDS]

A numb feeling washes over me as I let go

of the past and look forward to the future.

I pretend to be a vampire. I don't really

need to pretend because it's who I am.

An emotional vampire.

I've just come to expect it.

That vampires are real, that I was born this way.

That I feed off other people's real emotions.

I search for this night's prey.

Who will it be?

You look familiar. Have we met?

I think I f***ed her at the beginning of term.

The Wet Wednesday Party.

- No.

- What's your name?

- Peter.

- Really?

- Aren't you a senior?

- No, a freshman.

- Really? I thought you were older.

- No, I'm a freshman.

Peter. Peter the freshman.

She has dick-sucking lips,

so I consider the options.

I can leave now, go back to my room.

Play the guitar.

Masturbate to internet porn.

I'm gonna come on those tits!

Go to sleep.

Or play quarters with Dicky and Quinlivan

and that dumb guy from LA.

Or I could take her for coffee

and ditch her with the bill.

Or I could take her back to my room,

hope the Frog's gone, get stoned and f*** her.

So what do you think?

What do I think?

I think, why not?

Rock 'n' roll.

She slowly followed me back to my dorm room,

too eager, too stunned to speak.

I was so excited, I couldn't stop shaking

and I dropped the key.

..and then I begin...

I played her a song that I'd written myself,

then segued into one by Counting Crows.

I played it quietly and sang the lyrics

slowly and softly.

She was so moved

that she actually started to cry.

Maybe it was the Ecstasy that she was on.

Maybe she thought she really loved me.

He instantly went hard. She was crying,

but she let him pull her clothes off.

She smelled like sweet fruit. Her snatch

was small. Pubic hair light and sparse.

Yet when he fingered her, he felt nothing.

She wasn't getting wet, though she moaned.

He was semi-stiff and losing his erection.

Something was wrong, was missing.

He didn't know what.

[GIRL GASPS]

Confused, he started to f*** her.

[GIRL GASPS]

Before he came, it hit him.

He can't remember the last time

he had sex sober.

[GIRL GASPS] Peter, Peter! Oh, Peter!

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