The Savages

I don't want to play in your yard

I don't like you anymore

You'll be sorry

When you see me

Sliding down

Our cellar door

You can't holler

Down our rain barrel

You can't climb our apple tree

I don't want to play

In your yard

If you can't be good to me

Somebody forgot

something in the bathroom.

Lenny, you forgot to flush.

I'm eating my cereal.

Don't you see?

I need to use the restroom.

- So flush it.

- I'm not a housekeeper, remember?

I'm a home health-care professional.

Not mine. You're hers.

Go bother her. I'm eating.

Go take care of your business

in the bathroom, Mr. Savage.

You do it.

As you already pointed out,

you are not under my jurisdiction.

I'm not paid to take care of your sh*t.

What the hell are you doing?

Take care of your business in the bathroom,

and I'll give you back your Wheat Chex.

Son of a b*tch.

Are you cleaning up after yourself,

Mr. Savage?

Way out on the briny

With the moon big and shiny

- Lenny?

- Melting your heart

Of stone

I'd love to get you

On a slow boat to China

I don't hear a flush, Lenny.

All by myself, alone

Leonard?

Fasten your seat belts.

It's going to be a bumpy night.

That was

Bette Davis as Margo Channing...

and this is Wendy Savage as herself.

Leave me a message after the...

Aloha, Wendy.

This is Nancy Lachman, Doris Metzger's

daughter, calling from Honolulu.

I'm calling because... Well, I just got

a very disturbing call from Arizona.

There's been some trouble with your dad.

Dear Selection Committee...

If awarded your prestigious fellowship...

for artistic creation...

I would use the money...

to complete the writing and research...

of my new semi-autobiographical play-

No, wait.

My new...

subversive,

semi-autobiographical play...

about my childhood, entitled...

Wake Me When It's Over.

- Hey, Wen.

- Hi, Matt.

- How's it going? Getting anywhere?

- Just trying to power through.

Oh, yeah. Just do what you can.

Don't kill yourself.

Inspired by the work of Jean Genet...

the can'toons of Lynda Barry...

and the family dramas

of Eugene O'Neill...

Wake Me When It's Over

tells the story...

of a brother and sister who...

after being abandoned

by their abusive father...

are forced to fend for themselves...

when their depressive mother

goes out on a date...

from which she never returns.

Thank you for considering my proposal.

Sincerely yours, Wendy Savage.

Hello. Hello.

You have two new messages:

Ms. Savage, this is Donna

from Dr. Reichmars office.

I'm just calling to let you know...

that your Pap smear results

came back today and it's normal.

Everything's fine,

so there's nothing to worry about.

If you have any questions regarding the test, give me...

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Is this a bad time? I saw your lights come on.

- No. I'm just...

- You know...

- Oh, okay, then.

- No. I don't want to disturb you if you're...

- No, do, if you can.

Can you?

I got Marley.

- Let's move to the bed.

- No, I like it here. Let's do it on the floor.

- No, come on, Larry.

- I need you to feel how hard my cock is.

I don't want to! The floor is gross.

You used to like it on the floor.

When you first moved in, remember?

Yeah, well, not anymore.

It's middle-aged and depressing.

It makes me want to cry.

- Come here, sweetie.

- What's the matter?

Come here, good girl. There we go.

- What?

- I've got things going on.

- What things?

- Just... things.

Larry, things. It's personal.

I thought this was personal.

Oh, personal... medical.

Okay?

It's cervical.

I had a Pap smear.

Something was irregular.

Then I had to have another Pap smear.

They just called with the results.

And?

And it's... you know,

it's not for sure yet, you know...

but they might have to go in

and take something out...

and test it and make sure it's not,

you know.

God forbid.

- I'm sorry, Wen.

- Mmm.

Annie had that.

What?

A cervical thing...

some kind of procedure.

I went with her to the appointment.

She said it was pretty painless.

A little sore afterwards...

I feel... I don't need to be hearing

about your wife's cervix right now.

- I'm just trying to be comforting.

- Oh, well, it's not.

- Oh.

- It's upsetting.

Okay.

- Sorry.

- God!

Come here.

Come on!

See you.

Hello.

Jon, it's me.

Dad is writing on the walls

with his sh*t.

- He's what?

- He's writing with his sh*t, Jon-words!

On the bathroom wall, and he's

leaving them there, for this guy...

Eduardo, to find, like messages.

Wendy, what-what the f***

are you talking about?

- I'm talking about Dad.

- Okay.

He is losing his mind, or something.

I got a phone call...

there's something wrong with him.

He's acting out with his sh*t.

It's all he has left.

And now he's using it

to piss this guy off.

- Uh, what guy?

- Doris's caregiver guy.

Here, here. Listen.

Aloha, Wendy.

This is Nancy Lachman,

Doris Metzger's daug...

There's been some trouble

with your dad.

I know you haven't communicated

with your father for quite some time.

He's not the same anymore.

He forgets things, and...

I'm sorry to leave this

on the machine...

but Eduardo found Lenny

this morning...

- handling his, uh, fecal matter.

- Uh, Wendy...

We hired Eduardo to care for

our mother, not your father.

- Wendy!

- What?

Turn it off!

- What is your problem?

- It's the middle of the night.

I've got to teach in the morning,

and I'm on a deadline.

He is writing with his sh*t, Jon!

Our father!

Do not leave me alone with this!

I'm not leaving you alone.

I'm just hanging up.

- We'll talk tomorrow. Okay?

- We don't even know where the man lives anymore.

You want to know where he lives?

Sun City.

Have you ever heard of that?

In the middle of the desert somewhere.

We're gonna have to

go out there and find him.

We are not gonna have to

go out there and find him.

Wendy, we are not

in a Sam Sheppard play.

We're gonna have to do something.

This is a crisis.

Look, I don't think

this actually qualifies as a crisis.

It's an alarm, okay?

But it's not a crisis, not yet.

- You mean, it's like we're in Orange.

- What?

Yeah. Right, exactly.

But we're in Yellow, okay?

So we should just... be aware...

and be cautious.

And when it hits Red,

then we're in trouble.

Okay?

Your color, right?

Ms. Metzger? Ravishing Red?

Uh, right?

See? Good color, right?

Sexy. Okay.

Oh, my goodness.

Ms. Metzger?

Andy, it's me, Jon.

Good, good.

I'm, uh, still plugging away

on that Brecht book.

Yeah, well, he's a complex man.

And you?

Oh, yeah, I heard

Stanford's playing footsie with you.

That's great. Oh, great.

Look, I need a favor.

Well, it's kind of last minute.

I'm out of town, actually.

Arizona.

Yeah, it's a family thing.

No, nothing serious. It's my father.

No, he's just, uh...

his girlfriend died.

Yeah. And, uh, he's getting pretty old

himself, I guess, like everybody.

Yeah. Well, that's what

I was gonna ask you.

It's my 9:
00 am. on Monday.

"Oedipal Rage and Beckett,"

of all things.

- I have to stop at baggage claim.

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