The Secret Laughter of Women

---

I will rid the Universe of the

accursed Recombinants hordes!

Sammy!

Sammy!

Saracen, Space Crusader,

Liberty, Honour, Justice,

with a body count.

Saracen, Space Crusader...

Sammy, hush...

- What's this?

- It's my Saracen communicator.

Well, wipe it off.

Church of the Anglican Ascension

The Carol Talking Drum,

is there peace with you?

We are thankful...

- Poor fatherless boy.

- Uh-um...

He can do it, mamma.

Sammy, come and

greet your Aunties.

Hi, Auntie Rosa.

Mmm, fine boy Samuel.

Scholarship boy.

Twelve times seven?

Eighty four.

- Have you seen this new Reverend?

- M-m-no...

Sammy...

From those of us who have been here

for thirty years to recent arrivals,

Francophones, Anglophones,

from Monte-Carlo to Marseille

we are all Africans.

Our ladies' Dance Committee...

Ah, your famous crab stew!

You know he can do it, mamma.

His wife is dead.

Misfortune!

Last year, of a fever.

But they are a very traditional family.

He would court someone with all respect.

None of this cinema-discotheque business.

Six times a week, too.

Rosa, how do you

know such things?

Your smiles welcome me

to your church.

Oh, Sweet Potato!

Just let me at him, that's all.

Recombinant...

Talk off... Before you bring

bad luck on your head.

Ah, but luck is as changeable

as a chameleon's skin.

Seen the Reverend

looking at you, uh?

When I stain my cloth,

I tie my head tie bigger, uh?

Takes attention away

from the stain.

Then, you see, I have

a married woman's head tie.

Very few stains a married woman's

head tie cannot disguise.

Gardening.

What is your business?

You should be worrying

about yourself and your son.

The lessons you don't teach him,

life will teach him.

And life's lessons are bitter.

We are alright,

Sammy and I.

But I'll beat him later

if it makes you happy.

See now!

We need a man in this

house to beat you.

If you beat children,

they'll put you in a jail.

- Is that so?

- Yes. It's called "child abuse".

Oh, white people. That's why

they don't respect their elders.

He swores me on a Bible,

no more stories!

Lies!

How do I look?

"The cow that follows the herd

will not get lost. "

- Which herd, mamma?

- Why are you not married?

If it matters so much to you,

then you find me a husband.

What kind of a husband,

Foolish Antelope?

Honest enough to take on

Sammy and me,

and brave enough

to know the truth.

And if he's romantic as well,

I'll marry him tomorrow.

- Mamma?

- What?

Why am I always a cow

in your proverbs?

Don't you wonder what it would be like

to live in the twenty-fifth century?

Sweet Potato,

I wonder what it'd be like

to live in the twentieth century.

Sweet Potato, hasn't this game got

you into enough trouble already?

See you later.

Rosa, this your yam plant

grows like the bush.

Oh, that's because Mamma

Sammy looks after it.

Why it never grows

in our houses?

Life never flourishes in

a house full of women.

Oh, that's because

you need men and love!

Somebody here must be

having plenty of sex

to cause that plant

to grow like this.

Mamma Sammy was looking

very beautiful today.

Bad mouth, what does she mean

by beautiful? We thank God!

We should find her

another husband...

She says she's looking

for someone romantic.

Looking for romance, when she cannot

even cook a decent pot of stew.

- Nonsense!

- What she needs is the Reverend.

That strong headed girl?

She will never agree.

Oh, we don't have to tell her.

We can arrange it between ourselves.

After all, "one finger cannot be expected

to bring in a harvest"!

No-no, "one finger

cannot wash a face",

or, "one man cannot

bring in a harvest". Still...

- And the evil Reverend?

- I proton-disrupted him.

You proton-disrupted a priest?

He wasn't a real priest, stupid.

Yeah, he wasn't a

real priest, stupid.

He was a recombinant

trying to prevent my re-entry.

He's a liar. His mother

won't let him out here at night.

I didn't have to go out, because I live

right here, in this villa. We moved.

- And how did you get out of the sea?

- I swam, stupid.

Yeah, he probably swam, stupid.

No, you couldn't.

Go on, go on.

Children! Get back!

A little boy drowned here last week.

It's time to go. And Sammy,

Jean-Claude's mother

has very kindly offered

to give you a lift home.

Where?

You can drop me here.

Let us see you go in.

For goodness sake,

somebody answer that bloody door?

Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?

Comment etes-vous rentre?

Sammy a laisse ca en voiture.

What on earth are

you talking about?

Is Sammy a renegade, and did he catch

a recombinant here last week?

You know as well as I do that

under Article 5, Subsection 3,

Paragraph 7.031 of the Space Penal Code

it's a criminal offense

ever to try to uncover the identity

of one of my agents,

in fact it's one of the few

hanging offenses left on the Book.

Well... can he swim?

You'd better answer that one.

Yes.

There, have your answer.

Good night.

Thank you, sir.

I take it you are Sammy.

Here's your book.

- It isn't mine.

- Ah, a fiendish trap, ey?

- Are you brave?

- What? Well, sometimes.

- Are you honest?

- Brutally.

- But are you romantic?

- To a fault.

You had breakfast?

You can't have breakfast

at four-o-clock!

I can do what I like.

Saracen, will you

marry my mother?

I only invented Saracen, I'm not him.

And I can't marry your mother.

Don't you travel the Universe,

protecting the weak

and destroying recombinants?

Is she pretty, your mother?

Mamma Sammy?

No...

- Will you be my "good deed"?

- I'm too busy for that.

You don't have to do anything.

I'll come and do things for you.

And what on earth could you

possibly do for me?

I'll think about it.

Next time you come.

When can I come again?

When you have time.

And bring your mother.

I say, "the cow that was not taken

to market was not sold".

Ah, mamma, please!

All the Gods in Heaven,

come and witness my pain!

My child has killed me dead.

Don't talk too much madness.

- I'm going to be myself.

- A strong-headed girl!

Plenty of time to be yourself

after he has paid your dowry!

A dowry is a good thing.

Anyway, it's up to your mother to decide

exactly what you're worth to her.

Rosa, anybody comes now

with a tin of sardines can have her.

Oh, and remember, whatever happens:

don't mention Sammy, uhm?

And let us not forget that

in all the stories handed down

by our ancestors for thousand

years that Satan...

- Had a white face!

- Yes...

And only our tradition,

and our Gospel

keep him at bay!

So how we going to get there?

In the car.

- Aren't you going to change?

- What into?

- Your Saracen costume!

- Itches.

- What are you going to say to her?

- "Good afternoon, Mamma Sammy"!

Matthew, can't you think

of something more exciting?

You remember:

"Come and end my eternal loneliness",

"let us surf Orion

on my Cosmic Chariot"?

Definitely one of

my earlier efforts.

You're sure she'll be

pleased to see me?

Yes.

My daughter. BA Honours Law.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes