The Seven Year Itch

Manhattan Island derives its name

from its earliest inhabitants...

...the Manhattan Indians.

They were a peaceful tribe,

setting traps, fishing, hunting.

There was a custom among them:

Every July, when the heat

became unbearable...

...they would send their wives

and children away.

Up the river to the highlands...

...or, if they could afford it,

to the seashore.

The husbands remained behind

to attend to business:

Setting traps, fishing and hunting.

Our story has nothing whatsoever

to do with Indians.

It plays 500 years later.

Portland, Rockland,

Plymouth and Bar Harbor.

Departing at 6:
30...

We brought up the subject

to show how nothing has changed.

Manhattan wives and children

are still sent away in the summer.

Husbands remain behind

to attend to business:

Setting traps, fishing and hunting.

We want you to meet a typical

Manhattan husband.

This is Mr. Richard Sherman,

his wife, Helen, and son, Ricky.

Ricky, what are you doing?

He's an interplanetary spy.

I blasted him into dust.

Cut it out. You're going to Maine,

not to Mars. Goodbye, Helen.

- Goodbye, Richard.

- Why can't Daddy come up with us?

- Daddy has to stay and make money

- Don't worry. I'll be fine.

- How will I get my allowance?

- I'll mail it to you.

You promised to eat properly

and not smoke.

And you promised not to drink.

- I'll call you tonight at 10.

- Goodbye, Helen.

Goodbye, Ricky. Let me kiss you.

- Take that thing off.

- He's shutting off my oxygen!

Come on, we'll miss the train.

Helen, Ricky, the paddle!

You forgot the paddle!

- Ticket, mister?

- My son forgot the paddle.

Sorry, only those holding tickets

admitted through the gates.

Oh, no, not me.

And I'm not gonna smoke either.

Look at them. Awful. The train

isn't even out of the station.

Gotta get back to the office.

Man, is this hot!

A few more facts

about Mr. Sherman:

He works for a publishing firm,

Brady & Company.

They publish those pocket editions,

two bits in any drugstore.

Old Mr. Brady is the boss,

but Mr. Sherman is the key man.

He keeps the whole operation together.

In the 25-cent book business,

you can sell anything.

Even the old, dreary classics.

The trick is to soup up the title...

...and get an interesting cover.

It's all a question of imagination...

...and Mr. Sherman has a lot

of imagination.

That'll be all, Miss Morris.

Oh, no, not me. Not me.

And I'm not gonna smoke either.

Some husbands run wild

because their wives are away.

Do anything they want.

Like Charlie Lederer.

Annie was gone two days...

...when Charlie got himself

tattooed.

Green dragon on his chest,

butterfly on the shoulders.

Not me. Oh, no, work, work--

I'll work till 6,

then have dinner at the saloon--

No! No saloon, no drinking

like Dr. Summers said.

I know, I'll try

that vegetarian restaurant.

Health food, that's the stuff.

The human body

is a very delicate machine.

You can't run it on martinis

and goulash.

Especially in this hot weather.

- Miss, may I have the check, please?

- Yes, sir.

Let's see. We had the special,

the soybean hamburger...

...with French-fried soybeans.

Soybean sherbet and peppermint tea.

I had a cocktail to start.

Yes, we had the sauerkraut juice

on the rocks.

You'll be proud to know that the meal

was only 260 calories.

I am proud.

That'll be $1.27.

- Keep the change.

- We don't permit tipping.

I can put it in our nudist camp fund.

- You do that.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

It's a worthy cause. We must

bring the message to the people.

To unmask our suffocating bodies

and let them breathe again.

Without clothes

there'd be no sickness and no war.

Can you imagine two armies

on the battlefield...

...no uniforms, completely nude?

No way of telling friend from foe,

all brothers together.

Just a moment, sir.

You forgot your paddle.

Thank you.

I like this house.

Why does Helen want to move

into one of those...

...buildings out of

Riot in Cellblock 11?

So much nicer here.

Just three apartments.

Ours, Kaufmans upstairs...

...and two guys on the top,

interior decorators or something.

It's peaceful with everybody gone.

Sure is peaceful.

No Howdy Doody. No Captain Video.

No smell of cooking.

No "What happened at the office?"

I shot Mr. Brady in the head,

made violent love to Miss Morris...

...and set fire to 300,000 copies of

Little Women. That's what happened.

What can happen at the office?

It sure is peaceful.

"Use the opener, Richard."

"Carbonated water,

citric acid, corn syrup...

...artificial raspberry flavoring...

...vegetable colors and preservative."

Why is this stuff better for you...

...than a little scotch

and a twist of lemon?

I'd really like to know.

Helen's gonna call at 10.

I guess I better do a little reading.

I brought Dr. Brubaker's

manuscript home with me--

Ricky!

Okay, where is it?

Where is the other one?

I know it's lurking here somewhere

to get me.

Where is Captain Video's

other roller skate?

Now, who's that?

- Yes, what is it?

- I'm sorry to bother you.

I forgot my key,

so I had to ring your bell.

It's perfectly all right.

Anytime. Anything else

I can do for you?

Would you mind pressing it again?

My fan's caught in the door.

Oh, of course.

- Thanks.

- Do you live in our building?

In the Kaufmans' apartment.

They're in Europe.

I know you'll be happy here.

It's a very quiet building.

No dogs, no children,

just two interior decorators.

And you, and of course, me.

- You all right?

- Oh, sure, fine.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Well, now.

Maybe I should have

asked her in for a drink.

Make her feel at home.

After all, we're one big family here.

Oh, no, no.

I've got to get to work

on the Brubaker book.

I'm gonna talk to him

about it tomorrow, so I better.

Of Man and the Unconscious,

by Dr. Ludwig Brubaker.

Some title.

We'll have to soup this one up,

that's for sure.

Ten o'clock.

Helen's not gonna call till 10:00.

I hope this thing

keeps me awake till 10:00.

Chapter three:

"The Repressed Urge

in the Middle-Aged Male.

Its Roots and Its Consequences."

Helen has a lot of nerve

calling me at 10:00.

It shows a definite lack of trust.

What does she think I'm gonna do?

Start smoking? Get drunk?

Or tattooed? Charlie...

Big, green dragon.

I bet she thinks I'll have

girls up here.

That's terrible.

Seven years we've been married.

I've never done anything like that.

Don't think I couldn't have either.

Because I could have, plenty.

Plenty.

Don't laugh, Helen.

I happen to be very attractive

to women.

You're attractive to me,

but I'm used to you.

This isn't a thing one likes

to tell his wife...

...but women have been throwing

themselves at me for years.

That's right, beautiful ones,

plenty of them.

- Acres and acres of them.

- Name one.

It's hard just offhand,

but there have been plenty of them.

You asked for it.

Take my secretary, for instance.

To you, she's just Miss Morris,

a piece of office furniture.

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