The Sex Monster

---

(screams and sirens)

("Double Trouble Lover"

By Kevin Williams & Dread Flimstone)

(reggae music starts)

(screams and sirens)

Oh, damn it.

This thing is not designed

for a human to pour coffee with.

Go sit down, I'll bring

your breakfast.

- It's a gag coffeepot.

- It's okay.

Here you go, sweetie.

I was reading about

this new sex scandal.

So, last night was okay?

It wasn't too quick?

- It was nice.

- Are you sure?

- I've got so much on my mind...

- It was nice. It always is.

- It always is?

- Um-hmm.

It always is?

You want some melon?

You're totally satisfied

with our sex life?

Yeah, I'm totally satisfied, honey.

I'll get you some melon.

And there's nothing

you would do different?

No changes you would make?

Different?

Yeah...

nothing you wanna try?

Try the melon...

it's so good.

Nothing...

you've always been

curious about...?

No, I'm just

completely happy.

You are?

Try the melon,

it's so good.

(Radio:
)

Have you ever practiced lesbianism?

- No.

- Other women don't excite you?

- No.

- Have these ladies come on to you?

Umm... if so, I didn't notice it.

Are you having lunch

with me today?

No, sorry, Didi,

Marty's taking me to lunch.

That's okay, I understand.

If he cancels, though,

I'm still available.

Your husband's taking you to lunch?

That's sweet.

Yeah, he is sweet.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, beautiful.

Hey...

- You hungry?

- Ooh, I'm starved.

- Can we go someplace nice?

- Anywhere you want.

Darn, you showed.

If you didn't show,

I was gonna take her to lunch.

Sorry to disappoint you, Didi,

but I showed.

Yes, you did, I'm not

gonna hold it against you, though.

Have a nice lunch

with your sexy-ass wife.

- I will.

- You ready?

Definitely.

What, you're mad? Don't be mad,

it's a nice restaurant.

Come on, I don't have time

I'm behind the eight-ball at work.

I made that doctor's appointment

for you today.

Don't forget it, okay?

I cannot believe I gotta

let 'em put a camera in my ass.

You're at the age where

you gotta take care of yourself.

They called the office.

Know what they wanna know?

Do I wanna pay extra

to use the Sony?

They got a Sony product

that goes up my ass.

"Sony Assman".

So what's the deal

with little Didi at work?

Any new lesbian stories?

I don't think she's a lesbian.

She might be bisexual.

That's better still.

We like bisexual.

- We do?

- Yes, we do.

Is she openly bisexual?

What do you mean

by "openly bisexual"?

I mean, is she openly bisexual?

If I went right now to the salon,

and opened the front door,

I walked in and yelled,

"Hey, anybody here bisexual?",

what would little Didi do?

Do we have to talk about Didi's

sexuality all the time?

Yes...

You're totally obsessed by this

every time you see her.

She's hot for you, Laura.

It's the start of the new millenium,

everyone's doin' it.

Don't be so straight.

I am straight.

I think it'd be good for ya.

- Is that what you think?

- I do...

I think it'd be good for us.

Menage a trois,

inside the confines

of a good marriage.

What happens if I like it?

If you like it? Great.

What if you come home

and we are going at it in our bedroom?

Wouldn't you be just a little hurt?

Hurt? Only if I smash my face

on the headboard...

diving under the blankets

with the two of you...

I'd be thrilled you found

a new hobby you liked.

See how clear that picture is?

The same way you're looking

around the office,

I'm looking at the lower intestines,

and then this curves it around...

And this is actually a job

you wanted as a kid?

That's funny.

Lie down there.

We'll see who's laughing

in about a minute.

Knees forward, if you would, please.

Be gentle.

I know this comes as a shock,

but I'm not real excited about this.

No... that makes two of us.

Oh-oh-oh!

Wait, wait...

Ow, ow!

Pull it out, Jerry!

Pull it out!

Hey, four-year-old,

it's just the lubricant.

I haven't started

with the probe yet.

Gentle is the buzzword

for today, okay?

Ohh!

Have you seen that new

Porsche Boxter?

It's a beauty.

Ohh-hh!!

(doorbell rings)

Hey... Jane!

- Hi!

- How're you doin'?

I didn't know you were in town.

I'm going to San Francisco.

I was gonna visit on my way back,

but I decided to visit

on my way up.

- Didn't Laura tell you?

- No, she didn't.

But that's okay.

You're always welcome, you know that.

What?

I just miss you.

It's great to see my best friend.

I miss you too.

- I love this.

- I just got it.

That is so not me.

No.

So how are your sculptures doing?

They're doing great.

I think a gallery wants to show them.

I love this one.

Is this new?

It really works on the piano.

Isn't it great, Marty?

$18,000 in lessons,

and tchotchkes for the living room,

I couldn't be more happy.

Are you kiddin' me, Jane?

I don't want her having hobbies,

- I want it to be all about me.

- About you, huh?

You should be making

little sculptures of me.

Feels so good.

It's so good to see you.

Wow, look at this,

erotic feet massaging.

This is great.

Good and gay, I love this.

- It is not gay.

- What?

Can you imagine me

and one of my buddies...

sitting on this couch,

rubbing each other's feet?

Not a pretty sight, is it?

Women can get away with this,

and it's a beautiful thing.

It's not gay, Marty.

It's gay, and I love it.

I'm not into women, but if I was,

this would be my first stop,

and you, my dear,

would be in serious trouble.

That's it. I'm going upstairs

to write to "Penthouse".

Is he serious?

He would love it if I would

sleep with him and a woman.

Apparently, it's all he

and his buddies ever talk about.

What is it with these guys

and that stupid fantasy?

They can't please one woman,

let alone two.

Maybe that's what

the second woman is for...

to do half the work.

Diva, did the mail come?

Mmm - yes.

And I'm sorry, but they're all bills.

Well, I can handle them, okay?

Once Billy finishes this house...

those lots are gonna sell like crazy.

I'm not worried.

Nothing fazes you, Marty.

I'll tell you what fazes me...

- You marrying that ski bum...

- I'll bet.

It does... I'm concerned,

can't you tell?

How's he gonna support you,

this guy?

What's the pay scale

for the ski patrol?

Guy's got no future, Diva.

Oh, he's got a future, stop it.

The ski patrol? What's he gonna

make one day, sergeant?

Best case scenario,

you're married to a mountie.

I got a great idea for an investor.

Dave Pembroke.

Dave Pembroke?

From Michigan, Dave Pembroke?

I remember him...

he was a real tough guy,

beating everybody's ass.

He was in my brother's grade,

that whole crowd of guys...

who got their jollies

beating people up.

Well, now he's getting some jollies

outta $30 million.

Guy's got 18 furniture stores

down in Orange County.

Hey, Clay.

You got my note?

I've invited him

Sunday for brunch.

Sunday's not good for me.

Why? What's Sunday?

You got that girl coming in?

From Fresno?

You know what, Bill?

You're married, you got two kids...

Would you relax?

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